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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel hurt by not being friended on FB?

25 replies

BabaGanoush256 · 18/07/2014 11:51

Dex-H and I are very good friends and have put a lot of effort in remaining so for the kids' sake and for our own sake too.

I have been in a new relationship for a little more than a year, and he is now in one too, for about 5 or 6 months but they are already getting married.

I have been very friendly and welcoming towards his new partner, inviting her to family occasions with her kids along with Dex-H and my kids, chatting really nicely to her, being nice to her kids etc.

I genuinely like her, I think she is a nice person, my kids like her, I only wish her and my ex happiness.

At the same time, all this does take some effort and causes me some anxiety, I feel like I am the driving force behind everybody getting along, basically I have this dream of all of us being like one big happy family, and I feel maybe I'm the only one who really wants this and the only one trying hard.

Yesterday my partner received a friend request on FB from Dex-H, but she never sent ME a friend request.

I felt really hurt and upset by this, and left out, but at the same time I'm embarrassed by these feelings as I realise it sounds stupid.

I feel like her actions (well, this particular action) show deliberate negativity towards me, when I've only ever been nice to her.

AIBU?

I had actually wondered whether I should send her a friend request or not, as we now have a few friends in common and I see her commenting on my kids' and ex in-laws' FB stuff etc. I hadn't, because I didn't want to scare her off or weird her out.

OP posts:

MargotLovedTom · 18/07/2014 11:55

Maybe she's worrying about weirding you out by sending you a friend request. Maybe she also sees you as the driving force for all the interaction and is therefore waiting for you to request her?

sparechange · 18/07/2014 11:55

you are upset because your ex husband's new partner doesn't want to be friends with you on facebook?
Are you MAD?

NatashaBee · 18/07/2014 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

BabaGanoush256 · 18/07/2014 11:59

Yes it's more the fact she has friended my partner, whom she has only met twice, I'm kind of wondering why, and why not me, it feels kind of odd and deliberate and 'excluding'.

OP posts:

MimiSunshine · 18/07/2014 12:01

Are you searchable on fb? Maybe she wasn't sure which was your profile (clutching at straws).

It seems odd for her to have friend requested your DP and not you, but i'd give her the benefit of the doubt, unless you think she's after your DP (joke).

She could have clicked request and then accidently clicked it again which cancelled it (I was defriended someone and didn't realise i'd clicked it twice so it re-friended them, which they accepted and I couldn't face deleting them again as it was so awkward).

Maybe she was nervous of requesting you in case you thought she was odd. Just send her a request and then maybe relax on the happy families campaign, invite them both when you want to but don't take on all the responsibility of event organising.

CanaryYellow · 18/07/2014 12:01

You’re actually thinking that her not sending you a FB friend request is a deliberate act to snub you?

You really believe she’s thought... “I know what will totally piss Baba off, I won’t send her a friend request. HA, that’ll show her”.

YABU and massively over-thinking this whole thing.

CoffeeTea103 · 18/07/2014 12:02

I think maybe you have a big happy family idea, and all she wants is a civil and not overly close relationship with you. I think that's fair enough.
Stop trying too hard, it's going to freak her out if you broach this.

Fairylea · 18/07/2014 12:04

Personally I think you are absolutely bonkers not to have blocked your ex and his partner on Facebook ... ! I couldn't bear my ex to be able to access any of my photos or comments etc. And we're not particularly on bad terms.....!

But having said that it's very weird that she's friended your partner and not you.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/07/2014 12:05

But your dp didn't used to sleep with her husband-to-be, presumably?
I can easily see why a person would be wary of getting too close to an ex.

gobbin · 18/07/2014 12:05

Why don't you send her a friend request if you want ro hook up with her?!

SteeleyeSpanx · 18/07/2014 12:06

If she only wants a civil r/ship with OP and her partner, why send the OP's partner a friend request?

If that were the case, she wouldn't have friended either of them.

Weird, OP, I agree.

NorksEnormous · 18/07/2014 12:06

Op I actually agree with you, I would feel exactly the same way if she sent a request to my partner and not to me. It would seem like a deliberate 'snub'

arethereanyleftatall · 18/07/2014 12:06

Sorry - the ex of her fiancée.
You probably have photos of the two of you together on fb, which I doubt she would want to see.

PavlovtheCat · 18/07/2014 12:09

I think you need to look at your security if she is able to have access to, and comment on photos posted by you of your children. I would change that right NOW. If she wishes to have access to that info, she needs to be your friend, however, I don't see a problem with her not wanting to be. It's not a compulsory thing to do, so don't stress.

But, re the children, if she has access and can post, then that means other friends of friends can do so. Do you know all of them? No. Your children are private to only you and those you chose to share their lives with, that includes FB.

Anyone who has photos of their children online MUST be as savvy as they can be regarding security of their images. Or you put your children in danger.

Viviennemary · 18/07/2014 12:10

I wouldn't want to be friends with an ex either on facebook or anywhere else. I would think she had an absolute cheek if she sent a request to my new partner. He should refuse the request. She sounds like an ace troublemaker to me.

SteeleyeSpanx · 18/07/2014 12:10

...actually, the more I think about this, the worse it gets...it's a proper snub. Whenever I am friends with a m/f couple, I make a conscious effort to never be only friends with just the male partner on FB - it's just courteous to the female partner.

If you are friendly/civil with her, are you quite sure this isn't a mistake?

As a PP suggested, are you easily searchable on FB? Might she have friend requested the wrong 'Baba' by mistake?

scarletforya · 18/07/2014 12:13

Op, you're trying way too hard. Civility is all that's required.

You don't have to be everyone's best friend.

SiennaBlake · 18/07/2014 12:14

She could have been facebook stalking, her finger slipped and she isn't even aware she's friend requested him.

Original poster

BabaGanoush256 · 18/07/2014 12:15

Pavlov, I mean she is friends with my eldest (teenage) child, that's how sometimes we both comment on the same photo of post from my child.

There's no photos of me and my ex together anywhere as we were only a couple during the pre-FB era. :D

OP posts:

grocklebox · 18/07/2014 12:18

you said your ex friended your partner, not her.

Kaluki · 18/07/2014 12:19

So friend request her.
If she declines then you will know.

Original poster

BabaGanoush256 · 18/07/2014 12:22

Oh! Yes, thank you, I meant to say my ex's new partner sent the request!

OP posts:

SteeleyeSpanx · 18/07/2014 13:35

I think a lot of people are missing the point here...

I don't think its so much that OP wants to be friends on FB with the new partner, more that she specifically friend requested OP's partner but not her...

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 18/07/2014 13:49

Yes it's a little weird she sent your partner a request and not you, it's possible your partner has shown up on her page as a person she may know/friend suggestion and you haven't.

Send her a friend request if she accepts it then forget about it if she doesn't then maybe she is trying to tell you something

MyPrettyToes · 18/07/2014 14:28

OP, I think it is odd. So YANBU.

I can understand friend requesting your dc but your partner, who she has only met twice, and not you?

I would think there was a message in there somewhere. What it is, I don't know. What I will say is that if I were you I would back off a little bit. I think it is very commendable that you are trying to cultivate the friendship with her but perhaps it is too much too soon for her? You say your ex has known her for 6 months? It's new. Allow your relationship with her to grow naturally.

You sound lovely, but trying to force a 'big happy family' can be a bit suffocating.

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