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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel tricked

25 replies

Trickedintoit · 17/07/2014 11:38

After being cheated on by my ex partner I finally met someone new who was perfect for me and was into a very specific thing that i also love - japanese cars. I have been seeing my new partner for 7 months now and it was going so very well. I absolutely adored him. when I first began talking to him we talked about lots of things over the course of about a year as frieds. he admitted that because his ex wife was emotionally dead as he puts it, he once visited a prostitute. He emphasised that it was a mistake and he never did it again and so although I was uncomfortable with it I overlooked it as I really did like him.

We both have small businesses and often help each other out and I had been asked to log into his email account and resend a failed email as his pc suddenly gave up the ghost. I went into the sent box and was unfamiliar with the format and ended up ordering the contents in reverse date order where I found no less than 11 emails in a line of him arranging to meet with "bbw's" and other types of escorts and this is where I was in the wrong because I opened a couple and found a disgusting message asking if she would book an hour session with him and another few emails asking other prostitutes if he could see photos of their breasts before he meets them. I felt sick and disgusted and burst into tears before confronting him about it.

He lied to me deliberately as I directly asked him before we were together if it was just the once and he swore it was. I would never ever have even considered being with someone who was a serial user of these services. I absolutely loathe them. He knows this and his excuse was that if he had told me I wouldn't understand. He says he used to pay them to cuddle him because he felt unloved and they were affectionate and sometimes he couldn't help having sex with them on a few occasions. He claims he was ashamed of his past and that he wanted it to go away but it keeps coming back to bite him and he was sobbing by the time he finished his desperate explanation.

I can't look at him or have him kiss or touch me without thinking about it now and it makes me feel so disappointed and very creeped out by him. He is fed up with me spending the last week crying and being miserable but I feel betrayed. He says I'm over reacting and I probably am but he took my choice away from me. If I'd known what he had been doing before I would have ran in the opposite direction because I feel so strongly against prostitution or escorting or whatever it is. looking for some opinions, good or bad. Thank you.

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 17/07/2014 11:46

Yanbu, it's still not too late to run! He sounds absolutely vile!
That BS he gave you about only using prostitutes for a cuddle is a joke, why then did he need to see pictures of their breasts. You have the evidence of his true colours, if you stay with him then that's what you're in for down the line.

Patilla · 17/07/2014 11:51

Sorry to hear your story.

I'd be booking an STD check pronto, as the very first step before I even started to work out what I wanted to do.

Though it would most likely be a deal breaker for me, I'm afraid.

DoJo · 17/07/2014 11:53

Even if you had no problem with him using these services, the fact that he lied about it and clearly had no intentions of ever coming clean is not a good sign. For me, the fact that he is 'fed up' with you being upset over this is also a concern, especially given that he should be doing whatever he can to prove to you that he deserves a second chance, not belittling your emotions and making you feel as though you are in the wrong for feeling this way.

It sounds unlikely that you will get past this, with you feeling the way you do and him apparently unwilling to reassure you and accept that your feelings are valid. It's not too late to cut your losses and it sounds like you might be having a lucky escape if you do.

Coconutty · 17/07/2014 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Groovee · 17/07/2014 11:55

Do you think he wanted you to find those mails?

EmmanuelWoganberry · 17/07/2014 12:00

As soon as he blamed his ex wife for him using a prostitute I would have been outta there. It doesn't sound like an issue you will get past (and why should you,?) so to be honest I would say end it here and don't engage in any more nonsense he might say.

wowfudge · 17/07/2014 12:00

His wife was 'emotionally dead' so he visited a prostitute? Well that doesn't stack up for starters. He just wanted sex.

It's not the prostitutes you should loathe, it's the lying, cheating men who use them. You are better off without this lowlife in your life.

minmooch · 17/07/2014 12:03

He couldn't help having sex with them on occasion? Is he for real? Dump the lying cheater as fast as you can. You will never respect him again so cut your losses now.

As for him being fed up? I'd give him something to be fed up about.

pictish · 17/07/2014 12:06

He says he used to pay them to cuddle him because he felt unloved and they were affectionate and sometimes he couldn't help having sex with them on a few occasions.

Couldn't help having sex with them? You what?!
I have heard some shite in my life, but that takes the biscuit.

What a liar!!

pictish · 17/07/2014 12:09

Oh and yes...ditch him. He's no good.

Not only is he a cheat and a liar, but he's also manipulative, turning on the tears and poor me routine, to slither his way out of trouble by trying to get you to feel sorry for him...even though he has patently done wrong.

Despicable...the oily prick.

EmmanuelWoganberry · 17/07/2014 12:10

He is trying to turn it around and make himself seem victimised so that you will feel guilty for being upset with him. That behaviour is SO frustrating. Really not worth your time OP.

pictish · 17/07/2014 12:14

Yanbu to feel tricked btw. You have been.

NorwaySpruce · 17/07/2014 12:15

Seriously? How did you keep a straight face during his little sob-fest??

Of course he will now say you are becoming distant, and emotionally cold, and... guess what he'll just have to do then.

Trickedintoit · 17/07/2014 12:33

I feel stupid for ever believing him and as for his crying that just made me angry that he was making out that it was hurting him more and pretending he didn't have a choice. His ex never knew either.

The most annoying thing is that he keeps repeating that I can't judge him on his past because he is a different person. I don't believe people can change that dramatically.

I'd like to get over it but I am hurting so much I just don't have the strength to Fight this again. It's just so seedy and disgusting thinking about him enjoying that. I will be asking him to leave shortly. I must have something wrong with me to keep attracting these kinds of men.

OP posts:
ICanSeeTheSun · 17/07/2014 12:38

First thing first change your PW on your business email ect before you do anything.

DoJo · 17/07/2014 12:41

But he's not a different person - he has been lying to you the whole time you have been together. That is exactly what he did to his ex!

pictish · 17/07/2014 12:43

There is nothing wrong with you, and you are not stupid ok?
All any of us ever have to go on, is what we are told. Most of us take things at face value and in good faith. You have done nothing wrong, and none of this is down to anything lacking in you.

He however, is lacking - he is lacking in honesty, integrity and responsibilty for his own actions. He is not a child, and the time for blaming everyone and everything else for his bad behaviour is long behind him.
Because he is of the mindset that he is the victim, and you are the ogre daring to hold him to account for his own adult decisions, tells me this guy is an utter waste of your time. He's a loser and you ought to get shot of him as soon as possible.

pictish · 17/07/2014 12:44

And he is NOT a different person now. He lied to his wife, just as he lies to you. he's exactly the same as he ever was and ever will be. Make no mistake about that.

Judge people not by what they say, but by what they do.

loopylady83 · 17/07/2014 12:45

the past is the past maybe he didn't tell you because he'd know how alot of women would react so decided not to tell you. the past dictates who someone was, its not necessarily how they are now.

pictish · 17/07/2014 12:52

Loopy the fact that he is pissed off with the OP being upset about this, strongly suggests otherwise.
If he thought different, he wouldn't have turned on the manipulative waterworks, or be annoyed with the OP now.
Intrinsically, this chump reckons it's his God given right to lie, cheat and use prostitutes while in a relationship. That's how it was then, and it's how it is now.

Callani · 17/07/2014 12:53

Even if the past was in the past loopy (and that's unlikely) I'd say that judging by his current actions of being fed up that she's upset that he's still a complete dick.

His recent actions also include denying responsibility for his past actions, lying about what had happened and gas lighting his partner by saying that she's over-reacting by being upset, as if the vast majority of women wouldn't feel the same.

pictish · 17/07/2014 12:59

Oh yes, the old "you're overreacting" schtick. Gotta love that. Do wrong, then make out like the other person is at fault for daring to be pissed off.
He could shove that self preserving shite right up his hooker humping arse.

NacMacFeeglie · 17/07/2014 13:00

Men tell you who they are OP. You have to listen.

He has told you he turned to a prostitute because of his ex wife. How many men do you think say that and blame their poor wives for their disgusting behaviour. Do you want to be that woman?

He is willing to lie to you. If the past didn't matter he wouldn't have felt the need to lie would he?

These are things you should expect to carry on in the future. People rarely change.

NoodleOodle · 17/07/2014 13:12

Whatever else he is, he is definitely a liar - LTB

dawndonnaagain · 17/07/2014 14:20

This has nothing to do with you over reacting and he is minimising by saying that it is. It's his fault that you feel the way you do. He chose to lie to you, also his fault. Walk away, now.

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