to be considering divorce already?

[Onepollock]

I posted under another name for a long time about my H who drinks heavily and has been very unkind to me. The thread was deleted after I found out he'd been accessing my account. All details have been changed now.

I'd like to know AIBU to move towards divorce now?

I moved out of our house about 8 weeks ago with our 2 young children. I'd asked for us to have some time apart. He has refused relationship counselling, drinks heavily (which was my fault) and was amongst other things blaming all our problems on me and accusing me of going mad.

I had hoped that he would move out of our family home so me and the children could return (oldest starts village school in Sept) and I work at home but he has refused. He wants me to return to 'coexist' which was hideous. We'd been doing it for months before I left and it wasn't a suitable environment for young children to live in and I was suffering increasingly from 2 hour long arguments which didn't resolve themselves and were always my fault. His other suggestions include me leaving the children at home and living elsewhere myself (he works full time and I work part time from home so logistically this isn't sensible even if it were a good idea from the children's point of view) and finally he suggests an equal 50:50 share of the house and another accommodation. I don't feel this is right. Especially as for this to work we'd need to be communicating well and we're really not. It would also mean the children are with me a lot less than they are used to.

Now we are only talking through lawyers. If I contact him he twists the conversation and reports it to his lawyer as a phone call to 'threaten' him. It seems he is focused on retaining our house rather than on the children who's friends, routine, nanny, preschool etc all revolve around the village. I am still paying for half of all house costs and a fortune on diesel to get the children to and from various groups. I am lucky I can stay with my parents who have enough space for us and do not understand how people manage to get out of situations without extensive help. It is hard enough with alot of support.

I have suggested he moves out but one night a week and every other Fri and Sat stays in the house to look after the children while I go away on the proviso that he doesn't drink at all when in sole care of the children. We've asked that they respond to us by the end of the week and if he doesn't agree to that arrangment then I will have to start divorce procedings as I need some money from the house to buy elsewhere. That all feels very dramatic. Am I being unreasonable to move so quickly to divorce? I don't know what else to do. I can't speak to him and can't live with my parents for much longer so as far as I can see the only way I can get any where is to be able to apply for a financial order to sell the house and that only comes with divorce.

Am a bit of a wreck as the children sleep badly at my parents and I'm trying to keep my job going through this. Waiting until the end of the week to find out what is happening is a bit draining. Thanks for your thoughts.

YANBU this needs to be resolved one way or another sooner rather than later.

Sorry, Noodle?

Hi, im a child of divorce and my mum left she didnt take half the house or anything. She just started again with nothing and rented. She filed for divorce after they wereseparated for about 5 years.

You can not reason with this man. He works full time he will see that hes paying the most to the house etc. Because that's what men do. Apparently looking after kids isnt a job or hard work.
Best thing for you to do is file for divorce and tbh I wouldnt leave my kids with him either. Until hes stable and you feel he wont do anything to hurt the kids or him self. You need to be positive hes up to the job of looking after them. Speak with you solicitor about this. (Im a solicitor qualified in england work in dubai)
I hope you're ok. Keep your head up. It will make you and your kids better people I promise

Dani

He sounds like a total piece of shit.

Speak to your solicited for advice but moving to divorce ASAP doesn't seem unreasonable.

Thanks Dani. He's not paying for any more of the house/bills than me despite me working 3 days and him 5. He also runs put of money frequently so I have to cover big bills and at no point since I've moved out has he asked me if we have enough money to get by.

He is being a complete idiot and a nasty confusing one at that but he is the children's dad. He hasn't rung them once during the week or seen them during the week since we've left despite me making regular suggestions of contact but then loses it with me when I refuse to let them stay overnight because he's been a big drinker for a long time. I am driving them to anywhere he wants so he can see them this weekend.

When ever I write this I realise how crap he's been but why do I feel guilty!

Yanbu at all. Sometimes it can take a while so if you are definitely going to divorce anyway then it is a good idea to get the ball rolling as soon as possible so you can get the kids settled and ina new routine quickly.

Please don't feel an ounce of guilt, he is a complete bastard and a crap father and the sooner you divorce him the better.

I'd usually say try and sort things out. But really in your case I think it would be better if you split up. I think you should start proceedings immediately for divorce. Because this half way house isn't helping IMHO. So unless you think there is even a slight chance of reconciling your differences I can't see the point of prolonging the agony. Hope you sort things out.

File for divorce. Insist on half the equity of the house, then you both have to move. Are there still places in the village you can live, even if it means renting, or buying smaller for now until you get everything settled again?

I'm from divorced parents. Dad was a big drinker and turned violent. Mum kicked him out. The other thing you can do is insist to your solicitors that the house is your children's family home, and life revolves around the area in which you live. He isn't proving himself to be a responsible single parent by drinking and not taking responsibility for the children's welfare while you split - so why should he stay in the home? My dad still had to pay for half the mortgage and bills for six years after they divorced because it was his children's home and he had to ensure we had a home to live in. My mum had an order put on the house that even though he owned half of it, he wasn't allowed inside without permission, or unsupervised. Eventually, she managed to get back into work, and buy him out of the property - but it can be done.

Explore all your options. You are doing right by your children by ending it, even though he is their father, it doesn't mean that he won't have the opportunity to be a good one just because you aren't together any more. That decision is up to him.

Don't feel guilty OP. IME you can't force these twunts to step up. Just file for divorce. Take control. Coexist, yeah right.... Is that another word for you doing all the cooking, cleaning etc

I'm not one to should LTB and anyway you already did, but I really think you should file for divorce and get the house on the market so you can buy something else for you and the DC and get them nice and settled.

But please don't feel guilty. What kind of man puts himself before the DC because essentially that's what he's doing.

Have some as you're doing great

Ok seems like general feeling is I'm not being unreasonable. Seems such a shame as I just wanted a break to start off with but the way he's been in the last few months has been so crap.

I put in more to the house when we bought it and I'm sure we signed a deed of some description to that affect as we weren't married when we bought it. Maybe that will help me get more.

Also I have been suggesting counselling for years which he has tole me in no uncertain terms that he won't come to. I've been on my own. Now, having spoken to a solicitor he has decide we must go to counselling immediately.

AIBU to have said no for time being because I don't trust his motivations ie he laughed at me when I suggested it but when the lawyer suggested it he said yes. Have said I will go if we focus on how we parent best.

People like this often use counselling as a way to get you to open up, giving them more ways to hurt you.

The window of opportunity for relationship counselling is closed. Your idea of using those sessions only to find ways to effectively parent after seperation is a good one.

Stay strong, you're doing your children a huge favour by making this change.

I remember your other thread. He is an arse. He will not change. He does not put hte children's interests first. Save yourself and your children the trouble and divorce him. I hope you've got a good lawyer.

When I left my abusive ex-husband, I left with nothing. I took my 4 year old son, as much as I could fit into a couple of suitcases and our identification and got the hell out as soon as I knew he was at work and would be gone for the day.

Fortunately, I had a dear friend who offered me transportation, and another whose spare room my son and I ended up sharing.

I have never had a lick of financial (or any type of) support, but to be honest, once I found my feet, it has been better that way. Ex-husband can't try to dangle anything over my head - and he is a controlling pathological liar.

My son turns 16 on Monday, and we are doing fine. I have a new partner, we will be celebrating our 9th anniversary at the end of this month, and we have had a daughter. The children are close, and while the first little while after I fled was challenging, I think that severing ties from my ex-husband worked well for us.

My son still has a relationship with his father, but it is distant - by my son's choice. I have made a point not to speak ill of my ex-husband in front of my son, sadly, he has drawn his own conclusions.

Sometimes, even if it is difficult, you have to put the financials behind you and look at a larger picture of what is best for you and the children.

What worked for me may not for you, but be proud of yourself for taking such a big step to keep your children and yourself safe.

Good work OP! Just take things one step at a time. Has he started to come to terms with you filing for divorce?

YANBU. I agree with the other posters. The only regret I have in life is that I waited so long before divorcing my ex. I resent the years I wasted living with an abusive, destructive and immoral idiot when I could have been at peace. When I did leave it was with nothing. The standard of living I have now is far less than I had when I was married but I am so happy and free and you can't put a price on that.

It doesn't sound in your or the DCs interests for you to carry on any longer than you have. The hardest thing I think is making that first step towards divorce. But you will see a light at the end of the tunnel and head towards a happier life. Just keep going and hold on to the thought that things will get better/easier.

Divorce. Try to stay put; Mesher if you must and transfer of you can't; of course if Mesher you will have to pay the mortgage.

Suggest transfer with clean break, no maintenance, and no pension-sharing?