To expect DP to contribute more to household finances?

[annalytical]

I've been with DP for 3 years, living together for the last 18 months. No DC yet. Overall we have an extremely happy relationship. We've always had similar incomes, so finances have never been an issue - every month he transfers money into my account by direct debit which covers exactly half the mortgage / bills / food, etc.

Recently, I've lost my job and despite trying very hard, have found it impossible to get another one on a comparable salary - they just aren't out there in my field in this economic climate. The upshot of this is that I've had to take a job on a lower salary, which is only two thirds of his salary.

I'm really struggling to pay as much towards the house as I used to, so last night broached the subject of him contributing more - I suggested it would be fairer if we proportionally paid the same percentage of our salaries towards our join costs. He looked appalled at the idea and said that if the shoe was on the other foot he wouldn't expect me to pay more, he would make do with what he had.

There have been times in the past when he's ran out of money before payday and I've offered to pay for drinks on nights out, etc, so that he can still be sociable, but he's always been very uncomfortable with that and would rather stay in than be "indebted" to me - he's very much "what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours" whereas I was brought up in a family where my parents had joint finances and I thought that was the norm.

AIBU to expect him to pay proportionally half towards the house, even if that means he pays more? How do other couples manage this? Has it ever been an issue between you? Thanks.

You're not partners, you're roommates who socialise together and (presumably) have sex. I think his attitude is awful.

What happens if you have children and your income drops while you're on maternity leave? In our house, all income is pooled, bills come out of it and we get an equal amount of 'spends' transferred into our own bank accounts. Not saying that's the only way of doing it if course, but it works for us.

I'd get out before you have DC to be honest. Couldn't live with a penny pincher.

Do you plan to have children? You need to tell him now that his attitude is awful and discuss how that could possibly work if you had kids

His attitude stinks. It sounds like he sees you more as a friend with benefits than a life partner.

Agree with the others. It's a good job you've found this out now rather than when you do have DC

I never understand people like this. He's willing to live, sleep and have a home with you but treats it like a business transaction. How does he stand by and watch you struggle.
Do you think when you have kids, Go on ml it will be any better?

I felt awful broaching this very subject with my OH when he asked me to move in with him, because I earn less than half of what he gets as I'm self-employed. I was lucky that he suggested the proportionate way of doing things, and it really does make it a partnership as we both rely on each other for certain aspects of the home - he keeps the roof over our heads, I keep us fed and clean, including his daughter and the pets. Keep bringing up the subject, pitch to him the children scenario, or if he knock on wood gets sick and can't work, and you'd have to support him - the unexpected happens, and if you are truly partners, you are there for each other through the good and the bad.

I think bit changes when dc are in the picture. I assume you have none? You need to discus that scenario to get an idea of what would be the future?

As for now I don't think he is being unreasonable. He has always been clear about his preferred stance, keeping it separate and when he had no money he sucked it up and stayed in. I think you are feeling hard done by over your job.

You need to have a sensible discussion about your future finances and both be clear on your ideas.

Op I did the same as you when I moved in with DH (then DP). I earned less but contributed the same because I thought that made it equal, I suggested it. However when I lost my job and had to survive on a pittance, I found myself in tears because I was unable to cope financially and thought we would have to move out. I think that was the first time either of us had realised how financially interlinked we were and things changed after that. I got a new job, in fact I earn more than DH now, we pay proportionally to a joint bills account and have roughly the same left over for our personal account. We're also considering making all of our money fully joint.

For us it's happened in stages so don't think you have to go from fully separate accounts today to completely joint accounts tomorrow. Work out what's right for you, but try and make it equal in terms of what you are left with rather than what you started with.

It's always been 'our money' (or 'our debt'!), and I think that's a healthier way to operate tbh. Maybe it's as well that your DP has shown his true colours now.

As spence says - it has to be a partnership to work. Disagreement of finances can be a small weakness in a relationship at the start, when life is great, and the relationship relatively new. If you discuss it, sort it and agree to be a partnership that works now, that is great. If you ignore or paper over the weakness - when there is more stress on the relationship, children, illness, redundancy, this can become a gulf between you.

I would sit down together and talk about it and try to come to a compromise you are both happy with.

OK, so you now can't afford your current house. If he wasn't in the picture, you would presumably move to somewhere you could afford. Staying with him is therefore making you poor and stressed.

Has he realised this?

I' m a bit on the fence. You have no dc and are not married so I'm not sure it is a given that all money is pooled or contributions are proportionate.

I think it is possible to live as partners on these terms if everyone is happy.

Obviously if dc come along all should be equal.

Why would it ever be not OK for contributions to be proportionate in any relationship, Mim?

Try these for size, bearing in mind your points:

DP1 earns 35,000 pa, DP2 earns 70,000 pa. Not married. Money not needed to be pooled, according to you.

DW earns 35,000 pa, DH earns 70,000 pa. Married. Voila, pooling is magically OK.

Please explain your thinking.

If people insist on paying half each, no matter what they earn, then they have to live at the level of the lower earner.

So if one is on 100k, the other on 20k, housing, food shopping, holidays etc should all be at the level that the 20k earner can afford.

It would still result in completely disproportionate spending money, with the 100k earner driving around in a new BMW whilst their partner was in a 10 year old fiesta etc. I can't see that people would really be happy to stay in such a relationship though. It just seems very selfish.

I am surprised by his reaction, but not shocked. My dh has always paid all the bills and never expected a contribution from me. I do however pay for all the treats, holidays and would always offer to help out financially. That said a lot of my friends are surprised by this as they are expected to split bills 50/50 with their dh's/dps.

have you suggested moving or moving out? you might be better off with a room in a shared house financially? it might make him think

You're not partners, you're roommates who socialise together and (presumably) have sex. I think his attitude is awful.

Yes, I agree.

We have always has equal right to disposable income. That means the bills get paid and because we are equal in each other's eyes and don't accept the values employers place on us we redistribute our wealth according to our own rules of self worth.

We didn't combine finances until we had children either. Each of us paid different bills and paid for various meals / nights out as and when we could afford it. It was no less of a relationship and never caused any issues with us as were never in this situation but you have hit a bump now and need to renegotiate.

I would explain to him that you can't afford the current set up and will need to think about moving somewhere cheaper if he doesn't want to combine finances. Completely his decision but you are going to get into money difficulty if nothing changes.

There isn't necessarily anything wrong with the idea that people should pay their own way, in many ways it is the best system. It just becomes impractical when there is very different income and you are not willing to have shared bills determined by what the less well-off person wants to afford.

I agree with seeing what he thinks about living in a place OP can afford half of. He may dislike that enough to become more flexible in his outlook.

'Completely his decision...'

Well, no, I don't think the OP should tell him it's his decision. He already appears to have that impression.

As youve had a drop in salary you need to look at cutting costs, not just having him pay more in. Else youre in a precarious position should he also go through employment changes.