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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I can't get it right

21 replies

Feellikeimfailing · 16/07/2014 20:01

I'm all in a muddle and don't know what's going on. Eldest dc has no respect for me, is constantly rude and bad tempered dh thinks I'm useless and all I do I look after the small dcs during the day. I can't keep the house clean so I'm constantly told off. I feel like a total failure at the moment.

dh seems to live in a parallel universe where he is god and we are all his servants. It feels like he hates me most of the time and anything I say is a bit of a joke. I feel like they all take me for granted and I'm so sick of it.

OP posts:

ChoccaDoobie · 16/07/2014 20:21

That sounds awful! Who is constantly telling you off, your dh or your eldest dc or both? That must be so draining for you.

wheresthelight · 16/07/2014 20:28

Your dh is a classic abuser! If your son is seeing it thenhe will be lelearning to copy it.

You need to speak to people like women's aid and get the hell out

ColdCottage · 16/07/2014 20:35

This doesn't sound right. Do you have a friend or family member you could talk about this in more detail and come up with how you can deal with it. Be that counselling with DH to moving on from that relationship. We can't guide you as this is something which needs a lot of detail and discussion.

The main thing is you and your DC are in a safe and respectful environment which enables you to live a happy life.

redexpat · 16/07/2014 20:38

Told off? That doesnt happen in a healthy relationship.

How long has this been going on?

Balaboosta · 16/07/2014 20:42

Not sounding good, OP. Your self-esteem is being seriously compromised...

Original poster

Feellikeimfailing · 16/07/2014 20:47

He comes home from work and the house is usually messy as I just can't keep up with any housework running around after toddlers and bfing and he sometimes huffs and puffs and throws his weight about.

OP posts:

Original poster

Feellikeimfailing · 16/07/2014 20:48

I'm just so exhausted all
The time and he sees it as laziness

OP posts:

GrumpyRedhead · 16/07/2014 20:49

Throws his weight about?

Original poster

Feellikeimfailing · 16/07/2014 20:51

Shouts and is generally quite bolshy

OP posts:

ColdCottage · 16/07/2014 21:04

Has he ever looked after the children for a whole day alone? Might give him some perspective.

However his attitude to you doesn't sound appropriate. Please speak to someone in RL about this. Get some support.

Original poster

Feellikeimfailing · 16/07/2014 21:09

He has, even for the weekend and he behaves as though he is coming in to show me how to parent and tells me it's a breeze.

I've gone NC with my dad and don't have any friends anymore.

I feel very isolated and can't even hold a conversation with any of the school mums. I think they think there is something wrong with me or that I'm a bit thick as polite conversation in the state I've been in recently is impossible.

I don't know how to fix my family.

OP posts:

TheSkiingGardener · 16/07/2014 21:57

Your DH sounds like an arse and your son has learnt how to treat you from him. You need support and help. Talk to women's aid, and remember, you are his equal, a human being doing their best and he CANNOT tell you off as if he is your boss.

ColdCottage · 16/07/2014 22:34

If you feel you have no friends or family to turn to your doctor will be able to refer you to a local council so you have someone to talk it over with.

In the mean time perhaps call Women's Aid on 0808 2000247. They offer support for difficult relationships which may include verbal abuse (the way you are being affected by your husbands words comes under this from what you have said) as well as physical abuse (I appreciate that your husband is not physically abusing you) which they are more known for.

They will listen to you 24/7 and point you in the right direction for any support you might need.

Take care and come back here if you still need us.

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 16/07/2014 23:21

A good DH would help you, not criticise you with small children and breast feeding as well. He sounds like an utter arse who has you believing it's your fault. He's worn you down. It's not you. All Mums with young children are busy and tired and find keeping on top of everything hard.

Your eldest is mimicking his Dad.

Is he always like this? As there's a lot of red flags here. You deserve so much more. I would consider leaving him. He sounds vile. Please speak to womensaid.

Original poster

Feellikeimfailing · 17/07/2014 07:07

He seems to think it's an easy ride being at home with them all day and that I don't do enough. I'm up all night with the baby as she doesn't settle. He seems to think because he works he shouldn't get up with her.

The eldest child is rude obnoxious answers back and doesn't listen. I have tried every approach but nothing gets through.

He just shouts at everyone except the smaller two. He is hot and cold emotionally but generally anything emotional makes him shut down so I can't talk to him as he deflects and minimises.

I just want to walk out the door and never come back.

OP posts:

ColdCottage · 17/07/2014 08:12

Has he left for work yet so you can call Women's Aid, for a chat if nothing else? Will make you feel better to talk it over with someone.
Let us know when you've spoken to them.
Hope it helps (hug).

ColdCottage · 17/07/2014 08:13

Remember you have had 3 children, you ARE a stronger person than you think. You can do this.

Original poster

Feellikeimfailing · 17/07/2014 13:17

I feel really uncomfortable calling somewhere like woman's aid. I don't know why.

He keeps saying I'm the controlling one but at a get together about a year ago I will never forget my best friends partner who we'd met for the first time that night commenting when he though I was out of earshot about how controlling HE was. This made me very upset.

He constantly tells me he never does anything for himself and he does this whenever he does something. Granted neither of us go out at night these days but we have small children and no family nearby. He goes away for work every now and then and I'm left to my own devices which I admit I hate as it's all on me.

I'm just so exhausted and frustrated with his treatment of me. If he's in a foul mood I using get I don't care how you feel thrown at me, if it's a good mood I get I love you I don't want to fight.

I never know what I'm going to get if I say the wrong thing. He can be so volatile.

OP posts:

ColdCottage · 17/07/2014 14:20

Perhaps think of Women's Aid as calling me or a other MN person. It's anonymous and they will just listen, be kind, support you and offer support to the extent that you want, even if that is just to listen.
You don't have to take it any further. It's all up to you.
Did you make it to your friends? Were you able to talk to her?

Original poster

Feellikeimfailing · 19/07/2014 12:26

Hi all

I've had some time to myself and have a better perspective on things. I've sat him down and told him he is being an utter shitbag and he has accepted he is making my life hell by not being supportive of my role. I think the adjustment with the smallest baby has taken a bit of a toll and the eldest one has been feeling sidelined.

We are working on it.

Thank you all so much for your replies. It's been a rough few weeks.

OP posts:

ColdCottage · 19/07/2014 21:30

Communication is always a good thing. Keep us posted and remember to look after yourself, for you and your DC - they need a happy, healthy, strong mummy.

I hope it works out for you, keep talking and if it gets bad reach out to someone and get out.

Take care

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