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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Flaky friend agghhhh

14 replies

Getdownoffthattable · 16/07/2014 11:11

AIBU to be really fuming with my friend?

Some background... We've been friends since we were 12 so go back a loooong way. She's single with no kids but really lovely with my two (aged 3 and 1).

I'm on my own with the kids at the mo as my husband's working away for a month.

Going stir crazy as DD (3) had chickenpox then DS (1) has come down with it now. We are climbing the walls.

Last week my friend suggested she could come and see us today, stay overnight and then go tomorrow after lunch. I was really looking forward to it.

This morning she texted to say she couldn't come as she has lots to do at home. She's done this to another friend of ours recently and I'm now really annoyed!!!!

AIBU to think she's v selfish???

OP posts:

ShakkaKhan · 16/07/2014 11:17

Unless she brings untold joy to your life, just don't bother. Sounds harsh, but seriously, the emotional energy you'll spend looking forward to things, getting let down, being disappointed... find some more friends who actually want to make the effort to see you.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. I may be a little bitter after being let down time and time again by a similar 'friend'.

flyingtrue · 16/07/2014 11:21

If she's done it to another friend lately, is this the norm for her? Or are you and this friend a one off? Because if it's just recent then perhaps there's something going on with her and you just aren't aware?

If she's always been like this then I ask why you put up with it? If you stopped putting up with it then she'd stop irritating you, either because you'd never see her or because she'd shape up.

MoonRover · 16/07/2014 11:32

I was going to say the same as flyingtrue.

She might be single and childless but that doesn't necessarily mean she has no commitments and tonnes of free time. Might there be something going on in her life that you don't know about?

Is this 'normal' behaviour from her, or new and recent?

Personally I'd ask if she's ok, if the latter, and not rely on her if the former.

Is she selfish? Well it depends on why she cancelled.

Original poster

Getdownoffthattable · 16/07/2014 11:44

Yes that's true to say that just because she's single doesn't mean she has loads of free time - I totally understand that but this was her idea in the first place!

I think she's either got a new man or she's hungover.

OP posts:

ScouseBird8364 · 16/07/2014 11:45

I've actually just cut a friend out of my life for similar reasons, only 9 times out of 10, arrangements are cancelled by her, it's so God damn frustrating

I've been texting her, and FB messages for q while now, with no replies, so I've decided not to bother anymore

Original poster

Getdownoffthattable · 16/07/2014 12:09

It's quite upsetting isn't it. I know it's not because she doesn't want to see us, I think we've just become less interesting to hang out now I'm married with kids. I don't drink anymore and she's a big drinker so think that makes a difference. Hate to be cynical but she's prob been invited on a night out tonight...

OP posts:

Squidstirfry · 16/07/2014 12:19

Could she have heared that you have 2 DC with chicken pox and doesn't want to be in a house with sick children?

I'm surprised you didn't cancel her 1st.

ManAliveThisThingsFantastic · 16/07/2014 12:20

Whether you have grown apart or not she still shouldn't make plans and then let you down at last minute. That isn't a friend.

I agree with Shakka, focus your time and energy on other friends you have.

Engol · 16/07/2014 12:25

Just tell her you're really disappointed and you had been looking forward to it but you understand that's she's very very busy and wouldn't cancel if it wasn't important as she knows how much you all enjoy seeing her. This might be enough to make her think twice in future!!

flyingtrue · 16/07/2014 12:26

So this is normal behaviour for her then? You don't say whether it's just started but you imply that she's been losing interest which suggests that she is. It's possible she is finding it harder with lifestyles so different but I would suggest speaking to her about it.

I remember being so annoyed with flakey friends, 3 turned out to be flakey and one of those a user who I was glad to stop bothering with but one friend had deep depression and her 'flakiness' was actually anxiety at going anywhere. Since she kept cancelling and took to texting instead of calling me, I just got so annoyed that I didn't speak to her directly and I wish I had. I feel like a shit friend for accepting text excuses and seeing her as just not in the same place as me and actually she was hurting and I didn't notice. Didn't take the time to notice because I was annoyed at being blown out.

So if this was newish behaviour and she's not normally a flakey person then take the time to speak to her OP. Just because she's single doesn't meaa she has to have a new man or better offer to cancel plans, there's many other reasons she may not have shared. It could well be, in which case move on, but if she's a good friend and on the off chance maybe you should speak to her. You wouldn't want to feel like a shit friend, believe me.

Original poster

Getdownoffthattable · 16/07/2014 13:05

Thanks everyone that's all good advice! Engol I particularly like your one. I will check she's ok but think she is most definitely being flaky. It's defo not the pox as she said before she didn't mind about that. Thanks again ??

OP posts:

Appletini · 17/07/2014 21:20

I have said things like this to cover up depression. "I have lots to do at home" can mean "I can't face leaving the house."

maggiethemagpie · 17/07/2014 21:33

I had a friend who cancelled on me four times in a row. We'd make an arrangement and then every time she'd cancel a few days before, because something better had come up. So basically I was plan B. I kept my mouth shut and smiled sweetly the first three times. On the fourth time I let her know I was upset and we haven't spoken since.

if it is a one off with your friend I'd give her another chance but if its regular you need to move on.

OberonTheHopeful · 17/07/2014 21:45

I had a 'friend' who would cancel on me (usually at the last minute, and always by text) almost all the time. Sometimes I was on my way to meet them, or already in town to do so, when I got the message. They always, without expect ion, chose the date, the time, and place.

A while ago I started to count up the texts cancelling an arrangement to meet, starting two years ago. I gave up counting at just over a hundred. More fool me for putting up with it I suppose. I'd say 'flakey' just equates to 'selfish and entitled'. I think they assumed that my time and attention were simply less important then theirs.

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