I'm a cow

[KellyElly]

I know I'm not being unreasonable to think I am but anyway, just need to sound off. I'm a working single parent and I feel like I'm just so shitty with DD. She's four. I come back from work and she's whiny, argues with me about everything from cleaning her teeth to what story to read. I'm at the point where even though I've not seen her all day I can't wait to get her to bed and then when she's in bed I feel guilty for being so irritable and having no patience. I'm not this bad at the weekend but in the working week I'm rushing about to get back in time, doing a 40 min commute each way and I just have no tolerance. I don't ever really get a break at the weekend either which doesn't help I suppose. I'm worried she's going to grow up hating me.

At the moment she's very needy, stuck to me like glue and constantly wants to sleep in my bed and I feel so claustrophobic. She's a loving, sweet and funny child but I just feel like I'm not being the mum I should be as I'm so frazzled.

You sound pretty normal to me!
Don't beat yourself up, kids are hard work and we all have a bad run at times.

Would a good solid routine help.

There's two points of view here.

Her point of view. She's only little. It's not her fault you're harassed. It's not her fault that you are arriving at the point of the day when you're tired and stressed and she's tired and needy.

Your point of view. You're doing your best. You're frazzled. You're working your end off to make a life for you both.

Cut yourself some slack. You are doing your best and small children can be very wearing. But try to keep her point of view in mind as well.

You love her. She loves and needs you. Cut her some slack too.

Parenting is hard.

Look after both of yourselves.

PS, not sure I made this clear. You are not a cow.

You are just a tired mum doing her best.

Don't be so hard on yourself. No-one has the patience of a saint. When she starts whining just try to take a deep breath and count down from 5. Either that or just leave the room.

It sounds to me as though you need some time to recharge your batteries as you go from work to home. I used to be incredibly fraught and short-tempered when I'd got in from work, at just the same time that everyone needed a piece of me.

Thanks for being so nice and yes I do need to see it from her point of view. Am just so knackered that I can't see the woods for the trees sometimes! I do try the walking out of the room but we have a one bed flat and she follows me whinging lol. Maybe I need to take up meditation or something!!

My almost 3yo is similar. DH works overseas and I work PT (but averaging 36 hours a week!), so I often only see her in the evenings when I'm tired and want to wind down and drink wine. She, on the other hand wants to spend time with me. So she often doesn't go to bed until almost nine and I eat late and grumble more. You're not a cow, you're just finding stuff hard.

I was thinking similar about me today! I have 2 who bicker constantly at the moment and I also work and commute the same distance. Dp is great but we don't live together.
I absolutely need download time after work - I manage people so it's more of the same there with everyone wanting a piece of me.

I absolutely love and crave silence and time to myself wherever I can get it.

She's whingeing and needy because she wants to reconnect with you.
Have you tried focussing on just her when you get in? Lots of cuddling and talking for a few minutes?
You're not a cow. It's incredibly hard and, for me, the worst thing is the whingeing!

Sounds like your 'cup' is full when she needs to be able to off load her stuff to you, therefore making your cup over flow. Can you get 10mins you time before you collect her? Walk round the block, meditate, nap, play candy crush whatever helps. If you're anything like me it'll make you feel guilty but it'll make the whole evening better. When it comes to arguing about things give her choices, buy a extra toothbrush & tooth paste let her chose which one which night, let her chose stories. If you have time ToddlerCalm is a worth while read, I stole these ideas from there.

When you get home and have settled in, can you spend 15 min doing whatever she wants, real quality time - drawing, playing, snuggling up and reading -completely led by her - and that might stop the neediness. She's following you because she's desperate for you and needs you. Use a timer to end your 15 min with her if she won't stop at that point. Hopefully, being totally present with her will help both of you.

I sympathise. You must be so shattered. You are not a cow.

Whiny DC are absolutely soul destroying. Especially when you are alone much of the time.

You have to hold the thought that it will pass.

You mentioned meditation in jest, it I think it might help (as would any stress buster for you - including paid help to take her away for a couple of hours now and again).

I think you're amazing to work all week and still do all the kid stuff on your own. Course you're a bit irritable. It's natural to want a break after work, not start all over again with a whiny 4 year old. It'll be much better when she's a bit older, don't worry.

Could you incorporate quiet time just before bed into your day where you sit down together and just have a cuddle? It'll help calm her down and just make you both feel loved and loving.

I did it with my boy one night on holiday after he'd been continuously low level naughty all evening and I felt like all I'd done was shout at him and I felt horrible. It seemed to work for us both so I try and have a nice snuggle with him every evening.m

Do something unexpected sometimes like make a den in the sitting room and eat sausages in it while reading out loud. You don't have to tidy and clean and be perfect every night. She is four - and sausages in a den would cheer you up too. Enjoy her while she wants to be with you looks ruefully at ds who has not raised eyes from minecraft for hours--

you are doing your best and it's hard when you are doing everything on your own I know. I do think you need to remember to think of things her way a bit though. she is only little and for as much time as you are busy working she is away from her mum so when she is with you it's only natural to be clingy. I know how hard it can be my dd is seven and a huge mummys girl and is asleep in my bed right now lol. I think meditation would help I love it and once you get the hang of it you can even include your little girl. if my dd is feeling upset she tells me then takes herself off to her room for a few minutes of meditation it cuts down on the whining and it's really good for her to be able to deal with her emotions.

While working FT I found that when I got home from work it was sometimes hard to switch back into 'mummy mode', and there were definitely times when I couldn't get the kids to bed fast enough.

Also, with mine, I've found that 4 is a really rubbish age - mine skipped toddler tantrums and went straight to teenage whining and cheek.

Sometimes when it all feels so crap, it's a case of breaking the cycle. Like Down says above me, do something unexpected. I found finding something to praise worked well too. It will get better!

i imagine this couldve been my mum writing this years ago! we lived in a one bed flat, she worked full time and had a hour ish commute each way and i wasnt a easy child!

i dont remember her being annoyed with me though, and 20ish years later we are as close as can be. i admire her so much for how hard she worked and everything she has done for me.

so, please dont be so hard on yourself, she wont hate you. she will grow up knowing how loved she is and you will be her role model, her inspiration to work hard. just try to make weekends fun!

yougotafastcar That's good to know :)

Thank you all for your tips. I like the sausages in a den idea. I would enjoy that! Also it makes a lot of sense to put aside 15 minutes just for her and I will start that from tonight. I think sometimes things just get into a bit of a cycle and I just need to break it. Maybe some distraction techniques to stop the whinging as well as that drives me insane even in other peoples children!

I was exactly the same when I was working full time, what's worse is because I did miss her so much I expected it to be all hearts and flowers when I saw her. So then her whingeing felt like a kick in the face and I was too shattered to give it socks cheering her up or distracting her. Eventually I just let go of this expectation of myself and of her and enjoyed our few hours together in the evening what ever they had in store because that's real life isn't it.

She doesn't understand now but she will in future see what you are doing for her and will respect you for it. 4 is a bad age for the whining etc. You can try to improve it, im sure there are techniques, but it's probably part of a phase too. I would be careful about breaking the boundaries you need like bed sleeping as she will keep asking if you let her once. Stay firm and try not to be too hard on yourself. Sounds like very normal stuff you are going through and also that you are doing a good job considering how tired you must be.

4 is a difficult age!! I have a 4 year old and although she is beautiful, loving, clever and I love her immensely she can also be annoying and incredibly wearing. Does she start school in September?

I have been loaned the 1,2,3 magic CDs by our school and they have helped me a lot with managing difficult behaviour. I feel much calmer as a parent, too, since using it. Even if you get nothing from it, the CD's are quite amusing, well also a little cheesy, but in a funny way.

As your DD is under 5 is there a Home-Start in your area? To give you a boost with encouragement and support.

www.home-start.org.uk/findsupport/our_support