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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not be a loyal friend

14 replies

CheesyBadger · 15/07/2014 16:11

Short version...

Group of 8 friends
2 fall out quite badly (a & b) but it involved nobody else
A is making new friends but making it clear she dislikes b - being rude, ignoring on school run etc
B is annoyed with us all as a few of us still try with A and she cannot understand why we are making an effort when A is being mean to her

I hate all this. I am an adult and can make my own choices. I don't have blind loyalty and don't want to cut A out. B is very upset and thinks if we were real friends we would back her up.

I have never had a large group of friends before but it all just seems like a minefield!

B thinks if would be weird if a few of us had a play date with A but surely we are all adults and not sheep Sad

OP posts:
DoJo · 15/07/2014 16:19

I suppose if A had done something truly awful and unforgivable to B, then I could understand her feeling aggrieved that everyone was prepared to ignore it, but if it's a difference of opinion which has highlighted the fact that A and B aren't really compatible, then I can't see the problem.

WilburIsSomePig · 15/07/2014 16:19

God, I have had exactly the same thing over the last 12 months and it's AWFUL! I have tried to stay as neutral as i can though that was difficult as one of the women felt I was 'taking sides' but still seeing the one that she fell out with. I told her it wasn't my argument and left it at that.

It's pathetic, and childish and I don't envy you one bit. It split our friendship group completely in the end (sorry).

WilburIsSomePig · 15/07/2014 16:20

*by not but

londonrach · 15/07/2014 16:21

Sounds very childish. Who the children and who the adults.

YouTheCat · 15/07/2014 16:22

My dd has had a similar thing this week.

1 friend has taken exception to her lifetime best mate going out with one of mate 1's uni friends.

Mate 2 is sad about it but just getting on. Mate 1 is going around bad-mouthing mate 2 and making people take sides.

Dd told her to grow the fuck up.

WilburIsSomePig · 15/07/2014 16:25

It's ridiculous. The women I was friendly with are in their 40s.

Happy36 · 15/07/2014 16:28

I had a terrible experience with this about 8 years ago and basically lost of all of my best female friends (who I´d been best friends with for 10 to 12 years by then) over it. It still makes me sad and angry when I remember it.

Within our friendship group one of my closest friends was male. He broke up with his girlfriend and met and started dating a girl who by chance had been at school with my female friends and I years before, but we had not been friends (just didn´t know her that well - we were never enemies or anything like that). Therefore she joined our friendship group and we all got on well. Two years later they broke up, he dumped her and she was very upset. All of the female friends in the group turned on him and cut him out of their lives. I tried to remain friends with both but the fact was that I was closer to him anyway as well as having been friends for much longer. I tried to point out that the fact that they had broken up was not really anything to do with us, especially as neither of them had "wronged" the other (no cheating, etc.), he just didn´t want to continue the relationship. All of my female friends froze me out completely.

Fast-forward a couple of years and the same female friends were happily socialising again, even going on holidays with, the male friend.

In your case I would say remain neutral and perhaps use this time to catch up with a few friends outside of this circle or just keep yourself to yourself (use summer holidays or seeing relatives etc. as a bit of an excuse). People can behave very strangely in these situations and you don´t want to lose a friendship in the heat of the moment. Good luck.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 15/07/2014 16:31

"2 fall out quite badly (a & b) but it involved nobody else"

But now it does, and b is ensuring that outsider gets involved and "take sides". Calling it juvenile is doing a disservice to young children.

Bloody hell, I'd be making it clear that someone else's disagreement is nothing to do with me, and if they want to make it so, they would be invited to fuck right off.

HayDayQueen · 15/07/2014 16:31

Don't choose the rude one who is doing the ignoring. It sucks because it's not B's fault that A can't deal with it in a grown up manner.

Nomama · 15/07/2014 16:33

Once, many moons ago, when I thought I needed people, I had 2 friends who did that. We all knew each other but they just didn't get on. Both of them were upset that the group didn't ostracise the other.

I got so fed up with feeling like a shit friend to one or the other I waited until they were in closeish proximity and started talking loudly to both of them (OK, I bellowed their names and made sure they were looking at me) I explained that I was still friends with both of them, wasn't going to ignore either one and wanted them to both hear me say at the same time, so there could be no misunderstandings.

I asked them both if hem they had heard and understood what I had said. Then I walked away and left them to it.

I am still equally friendly with both of them, 15 years later.

Most of the rest of our friends just sort of went' 'what she said', consequently they are both invited to the same dos and they just float round each other.

I think that means we grew up Smile

Could you engineer something similar? Or have you reached the end of your tether with one of them?

Original poster
CheesyBadger · 15/07/2014 17:02

Thanks for all the replies! So nice to know this isn't unusual and others find it as juvenile as me. It was a personality clash, no major issues, just two people who both have stubborn streaks digging their heals in. I am trying so hard to stay neutral but the whole thing makes me want to become an ostrich!

OP posts:
Original poster
CheesyBadger · 15/07/2014 17:03

I just hate that I have been told today I am being disloyal in not backing her up. I didn't realise it had to be so black and white.

OP posts:
pinkflamingos · 15/07/2014 19:42

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like friend A. There's no need for her to be rude to and ignore friend B. I actually don't blame B for being upset that you're all sitting on the fence whilst A acts like a bitchy little schoolgirl towards her.

Original poster
CheesyBadger · 15/07/2014 23:23

Yes, part of me thinks that but part of me thinks that she is very prone to over reacting and reading stuff into things. A couple of times she had said 'did you see how she looked at me' and genuinely nothing happened

OP posts:
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