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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Engagement 20 years ago!!!!

30 replies

EWAB · 15/07/2014 15:29

Am I completely mad to still be annoyed that my engagement was ignored by everyone twenty years ago. Didn't get married as a result. Split up years later. Still see ex's family because of my son. Still feel narked to say the least and want to now ask them why they did this. Son going to celebrate cousin's engagement at weekend. Feel I should have addressed it at time but didn't and why am I still hurt and angry. I feel pathetic.

OP posts:
LastTango · 15/07/2014 15:30

Perhaps, after 20 years with no resulting marriage, it is time to let this go?

SiennaBlake · 15/07/2014 15:31

I think you know the answer to this one!

Vintagejazz · 15/07/2014 15:33

Why is this still bothering you? Why did you not get married 'as a result'? Did you just get engaged because you wanted a party and presents and stuff?

AiringDirtyLaundry · 15/07/2014 15:33

I think it's time to let it go, allow yourself to focus on something more positive. The engagement didn't lead to a marriage with anniversaries to celebrate. 20 years is a long time to hold a grudge with people who are not your family.

CoffeeTea103 · 15/07/2014 15:35

What do you mean it was ignored, and how did this result in you not getting married.

Slh122 · 15/07/2014 15:35

You didn't get married because everyone ignored your engagement? Confused
We got engaged a year ago and we got cards of parents and that was that. It barely even came up in conversation.

Slh122 · 15/07/2014 15:35

Cards off parents, that should read.

lettertoherms · 15/07/2014 15:38

You didn't get married because your engagement was ignored??

Why did you get engaged, for the party? For most it's for the marriage.

Vintagejazz · 15/07/2014 15:40

I will be honest here. I find it very hard to get excited about engagements between couples who have been living together for years, already have children and have bought a house together. It's not like it's a momentous, unexpected or life changing announcement. Yes, I'm happy for them. But that's it.

tilliebob · 15/07/2014 15:42

Let it go! We were 21 years married last week and none of our parents/family remembered. Who cares? We're happy and we remembered, that's what matters, surely?

chocolatemademefat · 15/07/2014 15:42

Bring it up by all means but be ready for them to think you're mad. After 20 years if you haven't moved on perhaps that's the problem you should be addressing.

Original poster
EWAB · 15/07/2014 16:10

On the face of it I have been reasonably successful so feel all the more pathetic for still being upset and hurt. Don't dwell on it but son's cousin's engagement brought it back. We didn't have a party but wished we had arranged one so at least I would then know if they had an issue. We didn't go on to get married as I began to question his commitment but when this was raised again he swears he was committed. He has not had another relationship to my knowledge so this is born out. Airingdirtylaundry is spot on when she says that there are no landmarks etc. My mother was dead and there was literally no acknowledgement whatsoever from his side (or anyone). I can understand no one being interested but I would at least have said 'congratulations.' I got nothing. I was deeply in love and didn't think about how I wanted to celebrate but it was the sheer lack of acknowledgement that annoyed me. My sister just seemed embarrassed and now says she can't remember. Anyway I am pathetic to be still upset over trivia.

OP posts:
NynaevesSister · 15/07/2014 16:14

So you said to people I am engaged and they said nothing back? It seems odd that they didn't even say wow or congrats or smile at all?

Deverethemuzzler · 15/07/2014 16:14

My family do not acknowledge the anniversary of the death of my daughter or her birthday.

Now that is shit.

Let it go. Why are you letting it affect you two decades on?

Viviennemary · 15/07/2014 16:15

Unless people actually have an engagement party then nobody really bothers that much except to wish the couple well. That's what I've found. There's no point in dwelling on this. We all have things that annoy us but some things are best forgottenand moved on from.

Viviennemary · 15/07/2014 16:17

Didn't see your post. That is wrong Deverethemuzzler. Unless maybe they think it will upset you so are waiting for you to mention it first. Flowers

CoffeeTea103 · 15/07/2014 16:17

You were not deeply in love.

If you were, this definitely would not have stopped you. Seems like you are a unhappy person overall.

Happy36 · 15/07/2014 16:18

I guess there is nothing you can do now.

Enjoy your life and your relationships and your child.

In the future if you feel overlooked, speak up.

londonrach · 15/07/2014 16:20

Sorry op but let it go

NatashaBee · 15/07/2014 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kewcumber · 15/07/2014 16:30

If you really didn't get married 20 years ago because no-one made a big enough fuss about your engagement then you were both either too young or not committed enough to get married and it was a good decision.

I can't imagine 20 years later blaming others for why I didn't get married! Only he and you were responsible for you not getting married.

WilburIsSomePig · 15/07/2014 16:31

You really need to let it go now.

MexicanSpringtime · 15/07/2014 16:36

Maybe you should check and see what is really making you unhappy and deal with it.

HotBurrito1 · 15/07/2014 16:41

Engagement parties are probably like birthday parties, if you throw one you get a lot of fuss, and if you don't you don't. I'm not sure why this made you doubt his commitment op?

Numanoid · 15/07/2014 16:46

We got cards, and a few presents. And, as it was fairly recent, a fair few FB comments and messages. We never had a party though, and to be honest I wouldn't have cared too much if not many people had acknowledged it. As long as we get married, that's all that's important to me.

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