About prying friend and my DH?

[farendofafart]

Some background:

DH and I are having some difficulties and are in fact planning to separate. One of my friends is being a good listener and rings me nearly every day to check how I am and be supportive. This particular friend has been friendly with H in the past (although she is primarily my friend) but they recently had couple of disagreements so they haven't spoken for months.

Fast forward to a few days ago - she had a long phone conversation with H (she had phoned to speak to me but I was out). They both told me separately that they had talked about our relationship but that the conversation was private so they didn't want to divulge details of what had been said. I was curious but accepted that.

So today my friend asked me a fairly direct question about our sex life which made me suspicious that H has told her something (I'd rather not go into details here). But she phrased it in such a way as to make it sound innocent. I evaded the question and later phoned H to ask him if he'd told her this thing - he immediately admitted he had and was apologetic for doing so. I'm annoyed with him because she is my friend and I hadn't chosen to tell her this this thing, but at least he has admitted and apologised.

But I don't know what to think about my friend's behaviour. The way she phrased her question to me was really leading and made me feel quite uncomfortable. But I suppose she was given this information by him, and that's hardly her fault, yet I feel she is prying now, trying to get the truth out of me by stealth means.

Or maybe she was just trying to open the doors of communication and let me know I could talk to her about that if I wanted. But the way she phrased it was just so ... leading somehow. Like she was inviting me to lie to her or fess up.

Sorry if it's all a bit vague. I don't know what to think of either of them over this (why would H tell her that when they don't even get along most of the time and she's my friend?) but I'm particularly puzzled by her. In her shoes I would have taken what he said in confidence and left well alone - not pried friend for some disclosure.

What do you think? What would you do?

Sounds like she fancies him.

Or you.

I know a woman who does this. She is an emotional vampire and has behaved appallingly in the past in her dealings with both women and men friends. She switches friends all the time too as she pisses people off.

She used to annoy me (constantly asking for updates on r/ship breakdown while feeling up ExP at every opportunity) but these days I just feel sorry for her.

Its a weird one and imo is linked to her sense of self-worth (or lack of).

So they used to be friendly then had a 'falling out' witnessed by you. If I diagreed with a good friends husband I would change the subject rather thsn possibly upset my friend.
Now they have got in touch (why not ring you on your mobile, rather than the house phone which might by answered by DH?)
They then get onto talking about sex!
If they are not already having an affair they will be soon.

No no no I don't like that. That's very uncool. She needs to know her place and fuck off.

I had a 'best friend' like that, OP. I wept on her shoulder when I realised DH was screwing someone else. I told her how I felt, what my suspicions were ... turned out he WAS having an affair. With her.

Be careful!

Massive red flag. I also think they're building up to an affair.

She rang the house phone because I don't have a mobile phone at the moment.

Honestly, I do not believe that she is after him.

I do think she enjoys life's little dramas and being in the centre of them to some extent, despite protestations to the contrary.

The disagreements were instigated by him, not her, if that makes any difference. And she did keep quiet and back away from them, partly to preserve our friendship I think.

Given your convictions that she's not after your husband, OP, my take on this is that she's one of those people who loves to get all the gory details (as PPs have suggested). It could be that this makes her feel better vis a vis her own relationship in a "No wonder they're splitting up if she won't let him do x. I let hubster* do x all the time" way.

• I'm pretty sure she's a "hubster" sort of gal!

What you need is a friend/confidante who is 100% on your side - this one aint.

It sounds like she's genuinely surprised and/or shocked about what he's told her, and even more so that you've not told her about it already. It might even have changed the way she sees your break-up.

Sometime people are drawn to the drama of other people's misfortunate. But it doesn't mean they're helpful (illustration: the relationships board). It was over a line and inconsiderate for your friend to speak to your DH. To then ask you a leading question about a very private matter without disclosing prior knowledge...well, she sounds dangerous. I wouldn't speak to her about the relationship much after this.

Have you mentioned their discussing your marriage with her DH? His thoughts might be illuminating. You could always ask him to have a quiet word with his wife about backing off a bit. She can hardly complain about you having an off the record chat with her dh.

I think the thing that has upset me about it is the way she asked me - leaving me with no choice but to lie or confess something I hadn't chosen to confide in her about. Or to just not answer the question, which is what I did. Plus the question was framed in a negative way as in keeping up the pretence that she knew nothing. So for example, if the 'secret' had been that I had been driving the car, her question was "So how does he react to you not driving the car?" When she knew perfectly well that I am driving the car. It's just such a leading and intrusive question, especially knowing that I hadn't chosen to confide in her and knowing the facts already (from him).

It sounds to me as if she is loving the drama.

Uhm.. I'd be asking why she wanted to know the details of my sex life.

How weird.

She is after him or loving the drama. Either way, cut her off.
How dare she tell you that she had a "private" conversation with your H about your relationship? Ffs! She is marking her territory on him (wanting him to chase her just for an ego boost if she is indeed happily married?) watch out!

My bf used to ring on the landline, and dh always gets to the phone first. He would keep her talking for a good 20 minutes before calling me, sometimes longer. Heaven knows what they used to talk about, or rather what he used to talk about, but he could yak for England and she's a great listener.

She never repeated anything to me, and I never asked. If your friend wants to help then she needs to learn discretion first and foremost.