to think parenting should be easier with two parents than one?

[PupInBoots]

Have namechanged for this as DH knows my username.

We have an almost two year old daughter together and I feel like he is constantly making life for DD and I more difficult. I'm pregnant though, so aware I could be overreacting. Some examples are:

DD didn't eat solids until she was 14 months old because she hated having messy hands/wanted to feed herself but couldn't without getting messy hands. I worked hard to get her out of this and she began feeding herself and eating well and was really pleased with herself. However, when DH looked after her he fed her with a fork making train noises etc. She then refused to feed herself for days. I told him this yet last night, he was putting bits of food in her mouth for her. Surprise surprise, today she refuses to eat unless I feed her.

We have a big dog who needs lots of exercise so I tend to go for a bike ride with DD so we can cover more miles. DH decided to take her to the shop on the bike at the weekend and told her not to worry about putting her helmet on. So now she won't wear it because daddy said she doesn't need to and I refuse to ride without her having it on, therefore it takes three times as long to walk our dog instead.

DH will carry DD constantly, even from one room to another in the house. She then expects me to do the same, which obviously results in upset when I encourage her to walk.

With the baby on the way, I'm trying to encourage DD to be more independent. For example, there's a mini climbing wall at our local park which goes up to the slide. I've encouraged her to learn how to climb it so I can just supervise her rather than have to physically lift her which will be difficult if I'm holding/feeding baby. She was really proud of herself for doing it and we told DH this. The next thing, I turn around and he's lifting her to the top instead of letting her climb! She now won't climb it.

If we're in a car park, I'll ask her to hold hands. Mostly she will, but if she doesn't want to then she has the option of the pushchair or else it's one occasion I will carry her briefly. DH will ask, she'll refuse and he'll just follow her through it, pulling her around if need be. Cue next time she massively kicks off for me because I insist she can't walk alone.

These are just a few of many examples. I know people will say different parents have different ways and children will get used to it, but she's almost 2 and she isn't. If he does something once (like telling her she doesn't need the helmet on the bike) then it causes problems for weeks for me until she realises I won't give in. He's then likely to just do it again, so there's all that upset for nothing.

He knows I've been encouraging her to walk rather than be carried as the main thing before baby is born. On Saturday she was messing around getting in and out of the pushchair but not walking so I folded the pushchair up and told her she could not hold my hand and walk if she wasn't using the pushchair properly. As she approached me with her hand out to hold mine, DH (who had stood and watched in silence for the last ten mins while DD messed around) said 'shall I carry her?' I could've screamed.

AIBU to think parenting should be easier when there's two parents?

He is being very unreasonable o offer her regressive "treats" like being fed and being carried, especially as she was "doing without" them. FFS, she will probably regress anyway when the baby is born (a natural bid fir attention, security, proof of love) - so why being the regression forward and risk her regressing in other ways, too, creating a second needy baby (but a strong, heavy and LOUD one)?

The cycle helmet and standing on the counter (let alone in filthy shoes) is just fuckwittery.

I meant "why bring the regression forward"

I think you sound really uptight tbh and making life harder than it needs to be with all these rules and expectations surrounding different situations.

The helmet thing, you're 100% right on, the rest of it are judgment calls IMO.

Maybe he just likes carrying her. I'd be pretty hacked off if I got told how and when I could carry my own dd according to the other parents "rules".

Have you talked to him about all this? What did he say?

From your posts, am I right in assuming that you are currently at home/the main care giver? Then I am sorry but I disagree with everyone saying "why is your way the right way/he is a parent too". The strategies that you have put in place to make your life easy, efficient and practical on a daily basis must have priority.

I think the first thing you need to sort out in your head is why he does this. Is it a) he is a thoughtless numpty and trying to make life "easy" for him and not realising that it buggers things up for you or b) is he undermining you for some sort of malicious reason (is he envious of your role in the childrens lives? Is he fully on board with the second baby?).

I think you need it sit him down and put this in slightly different terms - I sometimes find it helps to approach it from a different angle. Tell him - "imagine that I went into your workplace. I hide all the keys so i know where they are. I delete lots of important documents off the computer, change the operating systems and alter all the passwords so that it is easier for me. Then I go through your diary, erase half the meetings and rearrange all the others so that i think the page looks pretty. How would you feel? Raising this child is my job and you are constantly changing my operating systems!!

Then I would take him through the reasoning behind all of your decisions to do things the way you do. He cannot possibly fault the logic of trying to get your dd to be more independent with a new baby on the way. Explain that biking for the dog walk means it takes one hour, not three and he has mucked this up too. Wearing a helmet is non-negotiable. Perhaps he just needs these things explaining as he hasn't thought beyond "this is the easiest thing for this moment in time".

Even if PupInBoots ism't a SAHM now, mat leave is presumably on the horizon.

I don't believe in infantilising children anyway, and particularly afyer s dkill has been hard-won and has made the child feel good. However, with a baby on the way, surely DD needs to feel better about herself, not just try unsuccessfully to be a baby, since it's likely that tge "real baby" will get all the cooing, and the "toddler baby" will just seem like a lump, and she will feel crushed. By contrast, being a big sister, getting toddler cuddles and toddler treats, and grown up attention for being a little person (not just a bundle of needs, like a newborn), is how DD will feel good about herself and the baby. A new and closer relationship with Daddy is often one of the best outcomes from having a younger sibling, and your DH needs to recognise how she is special and different and individual, not treat her like another baby. He can do cuddles, not carrying, and the bike rides are a treat he baby CAN'T have.

Im sorry but the baby isnt a computer or filing system! I wish parenting could be easy, efficient and practical, but it should be about variety and fun too.

To go over your last two examples Pupinboots, is your child not at an age where she should be forward facing? Id be crying too if I was looking at a back seat for an entire car journey.

As for the carrying issue, do you use a buggy? NickiFury says maybe he just likes carrying her. Is that so bad? She's not even 2yo, she has little developing legs and will not be able to walk for long distances without getting tired. With my toddler (she's 3) we often take the buggy out and she gets out or goes back in depending how tired she is. Maybe get a double buggy when the newborn arrives?

I dont think its fair for other posters to be calling your DH names. We only have one side of the story and it would be interesting to hear his side of things.

It seems to me like you have rigid expectations down to every little detail in your lives. It also seems that you think that just because she refuses to walk for some time after he carried her, she will never want to walk again.

Apart from helmet, all other things are attributable to different parenting styles. Maybe he likes carrying her? It's form of display of closeness between parent and a child. How can you expect him to forego that just to make life easier for you?

You need to be a bit more flexible yourself and also need to start teaching your child some flexibility (very hard for a 2yo, I admit). When I was pregant with DD2 I made clear that mummy could not do everything dad could do because mummy was pregnant. DD1 was just about the same age as your DD. If your DD doesn't want to walk, well you go nowhere then. I understand it might be difficult in the beginning, but long term it's really better for her to learn that not all things work the same way with everyone and under all circumstances.

I have a lot of sympathy, but I think you need to let go on some things.

so, I wouldn't budge on cycle helmet, but if he wants to carry her upstairs, then I would let him.
Dh carries dc far more often than I do, originating in me not being able to carry when pregnant, and he will piggyback up the stairs and I won't. Our kids know, I just say Papa carries, I don't. Or when then ask for a piggyback I say I will take you to the bottom of the stairs, but you have to walk up. Then they can go and ask their dad if they want.

They very quickly learnt that we don't do things the same.

I have also found that (eg with your cycle helmet) that I may have to force the issue the first time, then they get it, and next time I can say, with mummy it is hat ON, and they accept that completely.

So I think you need a serious talk about what is not negotiable and what is, and also to ask him WHY he does some of these things. He may have good reasons for doing it.

Don't make parenting all about your way, choose the safety ones and agree on those and let it be ok that you have your own way on others.

Precisely PluCaChange, he says 'oh look, she misses me so much when I'm at work - all she wants is cuddles' and I've pointed out that a carry and a cuddle is not the same thing. If it was a cuddle she wanted she'd be happy to sit still and cuddle, the same as I might cuddle him. She isn't happy to do this because she wants him to cart her around.

Zippey she's safer rear facing for at least another 18 months and was perfectly happy rear facing in the back, both of which he knew, until he changed it.

He doesn't like carrying her. He complains constantly about her being too heavy and keeps trying to put her down then giving in and picking her up again when she complains.