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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that offering alcohol to a child without their parents' knowledge is wrong?

19 replies

RadishRobin · 14/07/2014 11:34

We went to a large private party this weekend at which several of my extended family were present.

The first evening whilst at dinner my mother offered my DS, aged 9, a glass of wine diluted with water. I was sitting close by and heard her, but she didn't ask me first. I think she was wrong to do this, because:

I think 9 is far too young to drink alcohol
He had had a long day and was far from home so not an ideal time to try alcohol for the first time
I think this is a decision that parents should make and she should have asked me first.
I think it might be illegal, anyway?

DS is a sensible child and declined immediately so I didn't say anything.

The following day at the large lunch party she got him on one side and offered him a glass of champagne. I didn't witness this, he told me about it afterwards. He refused again, but I'm really cross that she did this.

So, AIBU? I think she was wrong but I'm not sure whether my judgement on this is clouded by my mistrust of her generally (following a lifetime of difficult behaviour from her).

At the end of the day, no harm has been done because DS refused her, but it is yet another thing that makes me worry about her being with my children, let alone looking after them. I feel like she's always waiting to go behind my back and do something disruptive.

Please be gentle, I'm genuinely not sure about this!

OP posts:

AMumInScotland · 14/07/2014 11:41

Since you were there, it would have been very easy for her to have checked with you first.

I assume she has form for completely ignoring you and/or trying to undermine you?

I certainly wouldn't want to leave a child with someone who doesn't think she should check important things with a parent first.

WowserBowser · 14/07/2014 11:46

Yep, defo too young to not check with you.

Kewcumber · 14/07/2014 11:46

I would object to this and perhaps strangely I woudl particularly object to it being offered watered down! I think that seems ot be an attempt to make the wine palatable... who tries to make wine an acceptible taste to a 9 year old!? I would actually prefer someone offers "neat" wine to my nearly 9 year old on the basis that he hates the taste and smell of it and it will put him off for a few more years from his own choice not me banning it.

My parents had a pretty relaxed approach to alcohol with us kids and I certainly don't remember being offered alcohol at 9!

Its only illegal to give a child under 5 alcohol.

Kewcumber · 14/07/2014 11:48

Just to clarify - I would prefer no-one but me offered my child alcohol at all... but if they did I would hope it was neat wine in a jokey way.

I would hugely object to someone else trying to persuade DS to drink watered down wine - my mum wouldn;t dream of it.

NatashaBee · 14/07/2014 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

RadishRobin · 14/07/2014 12:00

Thanks all

AMum- yes she definitely has form for undermining me, manipulating others' opinions... she does it to all her children.

I keep thinking, what if he'd drunken the champagne without me knowing and been sick, or had an accident due to impaired judgement...
we were miles from a hospital.

OP posts:

LastingLight · 14/07/2014 12:00

YANBU - I would also worry about leaving my kids with someone like that!

AMumInScotland · 14/07/2014 12:07

Are your other children younger? The advantage of DS being 9 is that you can hopefully talk to him about these issues, and he is old enough to make a sensible decision for himself. But if she tried that with a 5yo or similar, then they'd be likely to drink what they were given without being aware of what it was.

It might be that she has issues with alcohol herself, or she might just be trying to be the 'cool' relative who offers things like that. But either way, it's not acceptable behaviour.

I don't know how you are best dealing with it though - it doesn't sound like talking to her would make much of a difference, and I assume that despite the problems you haven't decided to cut all contact, so you can't completely avoid situations. Which leaves being vigilant around her and making sure your DC check with you rather than follow her lead.

Original poster

RadishRobin · 14/07/2014 12:21

Yes, my other children are younger. This DS is her favourite and I'm fairly sure that she is trying to be 'cool' and win his affection.

She was very jealous of the close relationship I had with my late paternal grandmother and sometimes I think she wants to punish me for this by taking my own children away (esp this DS). E.g. she has told him that I favour his brother (totally unfounded), that he can't trust me, that I am wrong to tell him off etc. She waits for a quiet moment when my back is turned.

I'm tempted to say something to clarify DH and my view on alcohol because I don't want our silence to imply consent. But she would either ignore or tantrum at me and I'm not sure it would help.

We keep contact to a minimum but have kept some for the sake of family harmony.

I try to be vigilant but she is very sneaky and I can't watch her completely. I'm lucky eldest DS is sensible for his age.

OP posts:

LastingLight · 14/07/2014 12:23

She sounds poisonous op, do you have to expose your children to her?

DogCalledRudis · 14/07/2014 12:37

Are you all British? Watered down wine for young children is not uncommon in Italy or Spain.

Original poster

RadishRobin · 14/07/2014 12:53

Lasting - I try to limit their exposure to her and generally keep her at arms length for my own sanity too. I don't think I can cut her off completely.

DCR - yup we're British... I have heard that before about Italy and Spain though I worked in Italy with children and never saw it myself.

It isn't so much the alcohol that I have a problem with - but more that she did it behind my back and so put him at risk.

OP posts:

Cookiechef · 14/07/2014 13:14

You are not being unreasonable she was, I wouldn't ever ask a child under the age if they wanted any type of alcohol.
But the law says a child of 5 is allowed alcohol in the uk with a meal with parental permission so she was breaking the law if she had have your child some wine.

IamSlave · 14/07/2014 13:20

interesting cookie chief...i have a relative who also apprently offered child beer.

littlejohnnydory · 14/07/2014 13:22

She should have asked. I wouldn't mind at 9, having wine mixed with water on a special occasion - but that's not the point, I'd never dream of offering to someone else's child without checking first!

AMumInScotland · 14/07/2014 13:28

I'd be tempted to say something quite loudly if it happens again, so as to point out to the rest of the family that she's being like this - they're doubtless all aware of it anyway, but calling people on their behaviour publicly can get things out in the open instead of everyone quietly and separately trying to keep her from causing harm.

So "Mum. I have told you before that X doesn't drink wine. Please stop offering it to him!"

I'm sure you don't have anything to worry about that she could actually put a wedge between you and your children - children are generally a lot more savvy than we give them credit for.

Montegomongoose · 14/07/2014 13:30

I don't want our silence to imply consent. But she would either ignore or tantrum at me and I'm not sure it would help

I would risk her tantrums and definitely spell out what your policy is on this.

She is not the person to make decisions on giving your child alcohol, whatever his age.

If you state your position politely and ensure she understands there will be repercussion if she ignores it, you will sleep more soundly.

"Mum, you offered DS alcohol twice this weekend. Just to be clear, we don't want him drinking until we choose to offer him something at home. If you offer him alcohol again, afraid we will no longer be comfortable with you looking after him. He knows our position on this. Do you understand?"

Don't let her bully or undermine you. How dare she?

CrohnicallyExhausted · 14/07/2014 13:31

cookie www.drinkaware.co.uk/check-the-facts/alcohol-and-the-law/the-law-on-alcohol-and-under-18s

Children can drink from the age of 5 in their home/private premises. So it depends where the party was- anywhere with a licence and your mum will have been breaking the terms of the licence and probably the law, if it was a party at someone's house then she wasn't breaking the law. No meal is necessary either.

I think you're confusing it with the law on 16 and 17 year olds (who can drink wine with a sit down meal in a pub or restaurant, so long as someone over 18 buys it for them)

Purpleroxy · 14/07/2014 13:46

I let 9yo have sip of beer during World Cup as daddy was drinking it. Just for fun. He thought it tasted like paper (?!) anyway! I don't think it's a terrible thing, but if your mum has form for doing things behind your back that she knows you don't do or wouldn't do then that's the real problem.

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