Not so much AIBU, more WWYD? Friend's DD unhappy.

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I have a lovely friend who I’ve known for years who has equally lovely 10yo twin DDs. My friend’s ‘thing’ is horse riding. She has always ridden/ owned horses, has worked with horses previously and even ran her own stud breeding horses for a while. Earlier this year she bought both her daughters a pony each and every weekend and holiday is taken up with riding and horse stuff. She loves the fact they have this shared interest which is so important to her and her face lights up when she talks about them, it makes her so happy that they are following in her footsteps (hoofprints?)

She invited me to spend a day with the three of them at the weekend just gone at a local horse show. Over the course of the day I noticed one of the DDs (A) was a bit more subdued than usual. At first I put it down to her pony being a bit stubborn and having a bit of an off day, but as the day went on I just got the feeling there was something bothering her. In the afternoon I managed to wangle some time with just A by suggesting I bought us all ice creams and asked A to help me carry them back. There was quite a queue at the ice cream van so we had a bit of time to chat and I did some gentle probing.

To cut a long story short, she ended up in tears confessing that she hates riding, she wishes her mum had never bought her the pony, she feels nervous all the time and her heart sinks when it’s time to go to the stables. She also begged me not to tell her mum as she doesn’t want to upset her; although she didn’t articulate it exactly like this, she knows how important it is to her mum that they do this together and she doesn’t want to be a disappointment to her, plus I think she is worried about being left out if she dropped out to do something different (which I'm sure she wouldn't be but it's a valid childhood fear, I guess).

So I now have a bit of a dilemma – I don’t want to break A’s confidence, as I think it’s important she knows she has someone she can talk to and trust (their dad is no longer on the scene) but I want to try to get my friend to see for herself, with some gentle and subtle nudging, that her dream – which her other daughter genuinely seems to share; she is fearless and would spend every minute with her pony if she could, I think – is not A’s dream.

How do I do this? Can I do this? It broke my heart to see A biting back sobs at the weekend but I don’t want to make things worse. :(

I think you need to speak to your friend gently about this.

Yes, a gentle conversation sounds in order.

Well the worse that can happen is the mum huffs and tells her dd she has to keep riding so nothing changes or possibly (hopefully) the mum will put her dd's feelings above her own and allow her to stop.

I think it's worth a conversation along the lines of "b seems to love the riding but a didn't seem to be into it as much do you think she enjoys it'"

talk A again and explain to her that she should be honest with her mum and no, she won't be left out if she wants to do something else.

I think you should encourage A to tell her mum herself, rather that you going "behind her back" and telling the mum yourself... Although she may have told you, secretly hoping that you would speak to the mum yourself...

Maybe ask A is she thinks it's best that you speak to her mum about how she feels?

Talk to A again, see if she'll agree to going for a coffee with you and her mum and you either supporting her in telling her, or you taking the lead and helping her say it.

If she's nervous around horses, it really is a risky sport to be doing just to please your mother.

As a mum of a dd a similar age, I'd encourage her to tell her mum but not interfere myself.

Thanks all. I'll try itiswhatitis 's approach first and if that doesn't work, I'll have a chat with A.