Not AIBU, but friend's mum?

[Horsemad]

My friend's mum is having a bbq tomorrow for her birthday and has invited some friends over. One of the friends said her (45yr old, single) DS was meant to be coming for Sunday dinner, so friend's mum has said bring him too, but has said privately to her DD (my friend) that she felt put on the spot. Is she BU to think that?

I'm surprised the 45yr old wants to go to a bbq with his mum's mates tbh, they're not long standing family friends, but perhaps he's determined to not miss having his Sunday dinner cooked for him!

We've had GMIL turn down invitations to ours because she always cooks for her son (now 63 with adult children of his own, widowed 15 years ago ish) on a Sunday.

We deliberately didn't see a hint there. But yeah. Wow.

I don't think I'd want to get into a routine of cooking every Sunday for my adult DC, but maybe I'm a selfish person!

Does he go every week (it doesn't say so in the OP) or is it an infrequent visit to see his mum for Sunday lunch?

1. why would she be unreasonable to feel put on the spot? She was put on the spot.

2. why is this even on your radar?

Hostess could have said "oh well, never mind, hope you have a lovely lunch with him". She didn't have to include him.

I don't think she is being unreasonable to feel that way. I think I would, depending on how it was said.

oh sorry, I can't, we have plans. My son is coming for dinner, but thanks for asking, maybe another time - no problem.

my son is coming for dinner - and it's clear the hint is going out for the invite to be extended

then you feel that you are being rude if you don't extend it!

We cook every Sunday for my Mum and usually my (single and 'with issues') brother. They come for a family Sunday dinner with us and DC rather than eating alone.

Whenever my MiL invites us to hers on a Sunday, she will routinely invite my Mum and brother too, knowing they always eat with us.

But that is an expected thing, rather than being put on the spot. If someone else invited us on a Sunday, I may mention my Mum and brother in a thinking out loud kind of way..

He goes home for Sunday dinner every week.

Not sure why it's on my radar really, just that my friend mentioned it to me so it got me thinking...

why is this even on your radar?

Mostly this.

crossed there

I don't think she is being unreasonable about feeling put on the spot. She wants to spend her birthday with her friends but now she has a 'guest' coming and feels she has to be a host rather than having a catchup and relaxing. She doesn't want to upset her friend so she's venting to her dd rather than causing an argument

I don't think I can say whether she was unreasonable to feel put on the spot without knowing the attitude of the woman.

Maybe she said, "Oh, my son is coming over for dinner that night," with no expectation that the woman would invite him to come along as well. Then she would be unreasonable to feel put on the spot, because she really wasn't.

If it was more like, "Oh, gosh, I'd really love to, but my son is meant to come for dinner that night..." and looked expectant. Then she would NOT be unreasonable to feel put on the spot.

I disagree. She didn't have to invite him.

Some people need to learn to be a bit more assertive.

I don't see why she was being put on the spot really, the friend was just explaining that she'd already made arrangements for Sunday and wouldn't be able to go to the bbq. I don't think that is angling for an invitation for the son. More likely the friend thought felt pressured into changing her plans and going to the bbq instead after the 'friend's mum' insisted she bring her son too! I don't suppose the son was too thrilled when he found out he'd had a nice dinner with his mum changed to a bbq with complete strangers .

She's possibly being unreasonable to think that

My son is coming for Sunday lunch

means

Please invite him too

rather than the more normal

I'm afraid I have plans, so I can't come, and I'm telling you what the plans are because I'm making conversation

thought felt sorry that sentence made no sense, I accidently clicked on something else half way through!

Well that's it Trills, if we turn down an invitation we usually feel the need to explain why even if we've made up an excuse on the spur of the moment.

But she didn't say her ds came every Sunday. MAybe there's a special reason that he is coming that day, or she doesn't want him to be alone at that point. For years my df insisted we visited his mum (my gran) on the clock change as there was a very particular reason why that stressed her.

Refusing an invitation because you have a prior commitment-even if it's a regular one, is not necessarily fishing for an invite for the other person, not is it unreasonable.

Yeah, like someone mentioned upthread I think my friend's mum should not have invited him if she's going to be snippy about it afterwards.

fatalcabbage couldn't you have invited the adult son for once too, just to save the old grandma in law having to cook for him, even if it is through her own choice?

I think that people inviting themselves / others to things either directly or indirectly is totally rude! I would never do that, even the thought of it is making me cringe. She isn't unreasonable to be put out. Maybe the friend wasn't angling for an extra invite though... People just don't consider how this can change the intended dynamic of an event.

LadyMariner you wouldn't ask that if you had met him. We do invite him to things (eg our wedding anniversary in a few weeks) but not intimate Sunday lunches.

If it were me, I would just decline the invitation and say I had another commitment that day.