I'm 30. Before you flame me, I don't think 30 is old. Nor do I think 40, 50 or 60 are old. I imagine one starts to get a bit tired around 70 - but who knows, I'm not there yet.
The problem I am having is that I feel the media and the job market are all implying that I am now in decline. And I'm wondering whether this is actually true, and if it isn't, why I feel this way.
A bit of context on these feelings:
The first 27 years of my life were not easy. I had a difficult childhood with abusive parents and left home early. I spent most of my twenties dealing with a neurological illness which meant that my days were frequently interrupted by seizures, which made it hard to hold down a job. Over the years I made deals with various bosses that I was allowed to go home and sleep when I had a seizure, as long as I made up for it by working unpaid overtime into the night. It was a very competitive area and so there was no "issue" to raise in regards to illness or unpaid overtime and what I did was considered very exceptional and unheard of. I felt that I was running, frantically to catch up, while others without the complications of illness, were walking and progressing seamlessly through their career.
By 27 I had worked so hard and had built up enough trust with various clients that I was able to work from home completely and also survive financially from that wage. It was a huge relief as I had built up so much ill health from tiredness and stress and neurological factors. Because of my decision to be a permanent sub contractor and stay off payroll, the absence from the office has meant I have not had the kind of opportunities for progression to managerial status that other people in my field have had - I get in, I do my thing, I get out. The people in my field who are my age and started the same time as me are now much much higher up than me.
When I met my DH and got married, our combined wages eased up life even further for me. The seizures reduced in correlation with my stress/tiredness levels and I am now currently 6 months pregnant with my first child. It's an absolute miracle as I was told it would be very hard for me to conceive considering the illness. I have finally got to a place where I am not just surviving, but living properly. Finally! At age 30.
The only problem now is that everywhere I look, people are telling me that this is the point I will go into gradual decline.
eg 1: My job is very IT-based. There are 16 year olds now who are growing up and entering the job market who know faster, more effective ways of doing what I do in my job. While I try to keep up with how technology is changing (with the initial issue of not working in an office I am not abreast of new developments as quickly as everyone else) and now that I will need to stop working soon and look after my baby, I have been told that if I take a year off I am going to be completely skilled out of this area by the time I would decide to return. I already had a Skype call today which took on a "winding up of business" tone after I had told the client I was pregnant last week.
eg 2: My obstetrician is constantly tut tutting about how I have left it so "late" to have a baby, and what a risk I pose to myself by being this "old" and pregnant with the illness I have. Every pregnancy symptom I have he tells me that it is the combination of my "age" and illness that is causing it. I have challenged him about this several times and he just reiterates to me each time that the majority of women he sees for pregnancy with my condition are between the ages of 19-25. If I even utter the plural "children" or the prospect of having "another" he won't even acknowledge the thought.
eg 3: the Tom Junod article in Esquire. If you haven't read it, the link is here: www.esquire.com/blogs/culture/42-year-old-women
Obviously he got a huge tidal wave of criticism about it, so I see that he is not universally agreed with, but why is he allowed to write this tosh?, And worse still, I DO know of men who have these same beliefs about women and aging. It's not just Junod! It depresses me. It is a society prejudice.
I hate that I have fought for three decades to achieve a life where I can finally have moments of feeling like everything is going to be okay, then the moment I relax, I am given the message that I am 1. unemployable after 30 2. infertile after 30 and 3. any beauty I have contains "its force in the fact of its fading."
There are so many things I haven't done. Illness and a need to survive robbed my twenties. I now want twenty years ahead of me of great sex, great success, great love, feeling desired, new skills, hidden talents, further education. I want to look and feel the best I've ever looked and felt.
Is it U to think that everywhere I look, even at age 30, society is telling me my healthiest years have passed, to accept my place in the natural order of things and to gracefully go into decline?