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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my ex to keep away from DDs party tomorrow?

24 replies

mulberrylover · 11/07/2014 23:45

DD is 1 tomorrow she says sobbing into a glass of pinot and i'm having a party for her tomorrow- my parents and sister are flying in from Italy (they are coming for a week for a holiday too!) and got friends coming down from Glasgow (went to uni there)

Anyway- my ex didn't used to be a very nice bloke- he was emotionally abusive and cheated on me while I was pregnant and naturally broke my heart- anyway, you can assume anyone who is close to me hates his guts.

Over the past 3 months- we have made great progress. He went to counselling and has been great- came over 3 nights a week to put DD to bed, contributed towards DD etc. Last night- DD spent the night with him for the first time. I went to bed and settled her and she sleeps right through so it was just a case of getting her ready this morning really- but he did great with her and DD was upset when he left. We had an amicable lunch together and he asked if he could come tomorrow (its been planned for weeks and i've been putting him off saying i'd think about if he could come)

I still have no idea what to do- if he comes; all hell will break loose and I don't want that for DD on her birthday- plus the fact that my parents and sister are staying with me and I don't need the atmosphere in the house and my parents will be a pain in the arse.

I've suggest he comes in the morning and has breakfast with us and watch her open her presents- and we might have time to pop out somewhere before I have to pick my parents/sister up at 2.

He's not happy with this suggestion- and part of me can understand why he wants to come BUT I don't want to ruin the day and I know it will

OP posts:

MysteriousCircusZebra · 11/07/2014 23:49

I think you have suggested a fair compromise. Your family aren't going to accept what he has done so easily, maybe he can work on that for the future. But its early days and he's getting half a day with dd. Its completely fair.

attheendoftheday · 12/07/2014 00:13

You are separated, of course he shouldn't come to your party for your family. Suggest he arranges his own party for his family.

ThisIsMyRealName · 12/07/2014 00:25

Sounds like a perfect compromise. Why is he unhappy?

Can't he spend a day with he later in the week? At 1, it's not as though she'll know when her birthday is.

wannaBe · 12/07/2014 00:26

can see it from both sides tbh. it's dd's first birthday, I can see why he would want to be there.

also, I think that if you have managed to become amicable then your family should accept that and behave accordingly. perhaps you could stick to the breakfast idea and invite him over at a set time for the blowing out of candles/cake? and before that you can explain to family what the plan is, that you are amicable and that you expect them to accept that is how it is for the time he is there - he is, after all, dd's father, and this is about dd.

ICanSeeTheSun · 12/07/2014 00:30

It's his daughter birthday.

Your family should be able to keep behaviour under control.

I would nip this in the bud on her 1st birthday, it will set the tone for future birthdays.

Your ex is trying, he has seen what he did was wrong and he is going to counselling. How dare your family put you into this position.,... To me that is also emotionally abusive.

If there is an atmosphere they can book a hotel/b&b

AgentZigzag · 12/07/2014 01:11

Although I can see what you're saying ICan, that would only stand if the OPs family was putting pressure on her and threatening to be shitty with him if he came to the party.

But I read the OP as them being understandably upset at how he's treated her in the past, and the OPs presuming he'll go down like a lead balloon if he turns up.

It's your house, family and DD OP, you get to call the shots, if he doesn't like your kind invitation to breakfast, well tough shit. He's not the fucking boss of you.

It's great he's making an effort to sort his shit, but that doesn't mean he gets a say over what you've got planned.

How did he choose to say he wasn't happy with it?

differentnameforthis · 12/07/2014 01:13

Why will all hell break lose? I am assuming your friends/parents/family will have an issue with him there?

If HE is not likely to kick off, then the ones that do should be the ones who aren't welcome or told to wind their necks in.

If you have made such progress, it would be a shame to deny him the chance to be at her party, and also to deny her the chance to have him there.

Thumbwitch · 12/07/2014 01:15

Umm. I think your offer is fair and reasonable - he will see his DD on her birthday and open presents etc. with her - why would he want to risk causing a ruckus at her party?
Perhaps you should explain to him a bit more clearly how unpopular he is amongst your family and friends, and would he really want to create that atmosphere at your DD's party and potentially ruin it for her? It's not like he's going to want to chat to any of them, is it!

So be very clear that he is welcome up until the point where other people who hate him will be turning up, and then he needs to leave or his DD's day will be ruined by his selfishness.

Thumbwitch · 12/07/2014 01:17

Are your family actually Italian, Mulberry?

differentnameforthis · 12/07/2014 01:17

I am of the thinking that these people are all adults, and if they can't bury their differences for a one yr old, then they need to sort themselves out.

Yes, he has been stupid/abusive in the past, but he sounds determined to get it right now. How can he prove to people that he is changing if not given the opportunity?

However, as someone else pointed out, it is her house, she should needs to feel comfortable & happy with what she decides.

AgentZigzag · 12/07/2014 01:23

It doesn't even have to kick off big time though differentname, an atmosphere you could cut with a knife would be just as bad for the OP. She's looking forward to her beautiful DDs first birthday party and doesn't want it spoiled, especially as her family have traveled so far to mark the occasion.

He should take what's offered and be bloody grateful the OPs having anything to do with him at all! He was an emotionally abusive wanker and cheated on her when she was pregnant, that's enough to put anyone off.

AgentZigzag · 12/07/2014 01:25

That was one thing I thought reading through the OP, the OPs DD won't even notice what's going on if there's birthday wrapping paper on hand

thornyhousewife · 12/07/2014 06:05

It's great that he's been to counselling and hopefully you all have a happy future together.

However, he's already disrespecting your understandable boundaries. He is lucky you have offered to spend the morning with him.

He can't just swan in after a year,put his baby to bed for a week and expect your family to welcome him with open arms.

He sounds like a fucking prick. He should be respectful of whatever you and your family want from him at this point.

You need to be strong and sensible here. He needs to prove over a long period of time that he is no longer an abusive, cheating scumbag and by kicking off at you because he can't come to your family's party is not a very fucking good start.

Above all else, enjoy your baby's birthday! You deserve it!

sykadelic · 12/07/2014 06:22

Why doesn't he have his own party for her? You're not together, there's no need for him to be there for the party you're throwing for her.

I think your compromise sounds lovely. Maybe years down the line you can celebrate together, but not until then. No-one will believe he's changed so soon (EA people rarely do) and will expect he's probably still trying to manipulate you.

Lay the ground work with your friends family at the party ("he's doing a lot better recently, definitely not getting back together but we're co-parenting well") and then maybe at the next birthday he'll be welcome.

ikeaismylocal · 12/07/2014 06:52

Happy birthday mini mulberry

I think yanbu to say no, but I think it would have been better to way no when he first asked as maybe it doesn't sound like it would have been a yes in any circumstances.

What lovely family and friends you have mulberry.

Original poster

mulberrylover · 12/07/2014 12:27

Thanks everyone. Really appreciate the input.

I called him this morning and said my offer still stood, but he couldn't come to the party. Think he got the message that he wasn't going to change my mind so came over this morning and we've had a lovely time with DD- she took her first steps too so it was nice for us both to see (although I do record things like that) and he's taken her out to the park while I get party things ready.

Thanks again everyone! Can't believe my baby is one

And Thumbwitch- my father is half Italian (Grandma). I was born there but grew up here in London- they moved back with my sister a couple of years ago.

OP posts:

ikeaismylocal · 12/07/2014 13:01

Aww congratulations on the first steps! What a lovely birthday surprise!

mommy2ash · 12/07/2014 13:05

I think the problem is with your family and not him. I don't like my sister's boyfriend at all not for petty reasons either he treats her terribly but when my niece came along I just had to get on with it for her sake. it's your daughters birthday and they should be able to be civil for her if for nothing else. I'm really sorry for what you went through with your ex but glad he is turning things around now

WorraLiberty · 12/07/2014 14:04

I think it's a shame

I could be wrong but I'm getting the impression that if it wasn't for your family, you would have invited him.

If I'm right (and I accept I might not be) then the problem is with your family, if they can't bite their tongues for a couple of hours at a baby's birthday party.

I hope this doesn't undo any of the parenting progress you have made together.

Original poster

mulberrylover · 12/07/2014 14:18

It is my family. I know I'm being a pushover too- but my parents have done a lot more for me than he has this year, so I feel putting up with him sulking for a day or two is better than having my parents sulking at me for the entire week (while here) and longer. If I tell them to stay in a hotel- it will make things 50x times- I'm talking from experience trust me.

God knows if I've made the right decision but I guess time will tell

Ex was perfectly amicable when he left at 1.30 so I'm hoping everything is OK

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 12/07/2014 14:32

I think you've done the right thing and I'm glad he took it better than expected and behaved himself over it. Hope the rest of the day goes really well too x

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 12/07/2014 14:43

Maybe the counselling is actually working and he is developing enough maturity to accept that yes, it's really quite reasonable that right now the family who've helped support you in the aftermath of him abusing you, cheating on you while pregnant and generally doing his best to destory your life might not be overjoyed to see him?

Maybe he's actually developing enough as a person to think 'Yes, I don't blame them, and it'll be up to me to do the hard work of proving to them that I've changed, and I can't demand that that happens overnight'?

My sympathies are with your family here.

In maybe six months time, if he's keeping to promises and is genuinely making amends for the devastation he caused, and is being a supportive parent, and your family still kick off at the mention of his name - then that will be different. But right now, he's reaping what he sowed. Of course they can't stand him. He's got more ground to make up than a few weeks can do. Give it time.

WorraLiberty · 12/07/2014 14:46

That's the thing

No-one should be sulking at you OP

You're caught in the middle and it's not a nice place to be

Hopefully they'll come round in time and realise that actually, it's all about your child and what's best for her.

Topaz25 · 12/07/2014 15:00

What he did was very wrong but it sounds like he is making a sincere effort to change and be involved in your daughter's life and that's what you want for her. Why can't your family respect your wishes? They are adults, can't they control themselves? You seem quite frightened of your family, like when you said if you ask them to stay in a hotel it will make things 50x worse. You shouldn't have to tread on eggshells and worry about making them worse. Remember you shouldn't have to put up with controlling behaviour from anyone, not even your family.

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