to think he should have at least asked them??

[macdoodle]

XH and I have 2DD's together, they are 12 and 6. He lives locally but doesnt see a lot of them (work pub).
The back story is complicated, his GF was the OW, and they have a DD who is 5 months OLDER than my DD2. At the time as you can imagine it was very acrimonious.
But I can honestly say hand on heart that I am past it, GF and I get on fine now, make arrangements for the girls etc. She has looked after my DD's for me. We are all perfectly civil and the children all love each other, the 2 little ones get on very well.
Just over a week ago, I discovered (quite by chance) that the 3 of them were going on holiday this week. XH hadnt told DD's or me for that matter (and I had booked a work shift on sunday as he should have been seeing them).
When I told DD1 she was gutted and asked why she hadnt been invited. I asked XH not to tell DD2 as I think she would be very upset and jealous.
XH thinks I (and DD1) are being ridiculous as they get to go on holiday with me. I have tried to explain that its not the holiday per se, but the fact that he will spend all week with his other DD (who already sees a lot more of him), and that they barely get to see him (they never sleep over). DD1 refused to see him before he went (and he got angry with her).
AIBU?? Even now he manages to scramble my brain. Should he not have asked them if they wanted to go at least or offer to do something just with them??

My view may be unpopular but no, I don't think so. You are two separate families now, it's just the way it is.

I wouldn't have expected to go on holiday with my dad's second family as a child.

If it took place over his usual time to have them he should have at least had the guts to tell them.

The man is a foolish coward, your DD1 may never forgive him. Had he taken time to explain she may have understood. Now she has been upset and shouted at for his not having been fair to her.

Hopefully his GF will explain it to him at some point. You'll probably have no luck trying! Maybe you could talk it through with her when they get back. Not to expect her to do anything, but just so someone in his house understands your DDs perspective.

I am quite prepared to be told IABU. I am not sure how I feel about it.
But DD1's face when I told her broke my heart, she got her very hard, prickly look, the one where her back goes straight and her eyes brim with tears, but she refuses to show how much he hurts her. Every year she shuts him out a little more, its protective.
She wouldnt even have been able to go, she is on a school trip from Sunday.
They get plenty of lovely holidays with me and my family.
He is awful on holiday.
But she would have liked to have been asked, to have been included, to not feel like she is less important than his new family.
No idea how DD2 would react, but TBH to see that hurt and heartbreak twice is not something I fancy.

He should have told them

He should be able to have holidays with just his new family but should also take his existing family away too at some point

I think he should have asked them along or planned for the three of them (x and his 2 other DDS) to go away later on.

He knows they will find out and this is sneaky and hurtful.

His would his other dc feel if she was left out?

I don't think he necessarily needs to tell them. However, he should take them away on holiday at a later time.

Oh OP, I am just sitting here sobbing at your description of your DD's 'prickly' look. It describes me exactly. At 9, at 19 and still now at 39 on occasion. All because my dad would never ask me on holiday, to stay, etc but did everything with his 2 SDD (previously my best friends - OW was my mum's close friend).

My dad died suddenly last year without either of us ever learning what we meant to each other. I hope your exH can learn to show more to his DD.

Sorry to hijack x

He absolutely should tell them because was supposed to be seeing them. I have a 7 yo and he wouldn't understand if GPS took his cousin away and he found out later. The two little girls are very close and will talk about it. Not sure why taking the two extra would be such a hardship.

His secrecy is the problem - addressing this kind of issue is always going to be difficult and there is no objective right or wrong. However, going about it like this is mean and underhanded and confirms the idea that he thinks he is doing something wrong, which your daughter has obviously picked up on. Had he sat her down and explained that he would be going on holiday, but would set aside a special time to do something with her and/or her sister, not necessarily to 'make up' for it, but to demonstrate that he wants to spend that kind of quality time with them too.

I do feel for your daughter - my dad moved to a different country with his wife and my younger half sibling when I was about 9 and only rang me to tell me after he was gone. We now don't speak, because this was one in a long line of ways that he demonstrated a lack of consideration for anyone but himself. I hope your husband realises that this is the road he is travelling on and turns off before he does some irrevocable damage.