To leave my 4 month DS for 4 nights

[ColdCottage]

I made a commitment when just pregnant to go away for 4 nights.
I wasn't sure how I would feel when DS arrived so thought I would book my flight and I could always not go or come home early (event is in France) if I needed to.

It is now 2 months away and I'm not sure what to do.

Part of me thinks "goodness how can I leave my baby" (PFB) and the other part thinks "he will be with his daddy and not notice I'm not there, plus the sun, wine and sleep will do me good".

I'm also EBF so am pumping to freeze for him.

Advice please.

When did you first leave your DC for more than one night? How did you feel?

[my2centsis]

I would never do this.

[ColdCottage]

Thank you for all the tips, thoughts and advice. Especially the ones re BF and expressing.

I think I am going to have to pump and prepare but just see how I feel when time comes to pack to get on the plane or not.

[ColdCottage]

I lucky that although he sometimes goes to sleep after a feed he is usually just sleepy and goes down awake. His sleepy time music is the Eva Cassidy - Songbird Album. Music used and bedtime and during the night to settle him.

[Writerwannabe83]

My DS is 3.5 months and the longest I've managed to go without seeing him is about 3 hours

[MrsMook]

It wouldn't have worked for me. At 4m I was still sleeping on thick towels because of leaking constantly. My body's not great at pumping either. I didn't manage at all first time, and did a bit better with a new pump. Mine have both been bottle refuser. My 14m old was first left for 2 nights at 11 months, then 4 days at 12 months. I had hoped he'd have dropped night feeds by then. I struggled most with engorgement. I know he's being cared for perfectly well by his other parent.

[Handsoff7]

4days and nights is a long time. Is there anyone else about to help DH?

I'd not be too keen on 4days alone with my 4month old (and wouldn't be keen to leave my wife either). The longest either of us has been away since she came home was 13 hours.

I could do it but would want to have visitors and maybe the odd break.

[wigglylines]

Please don't feel pressured to go, if your gut instinct says stay, then don't feel bad about staying.

I booked tickets to a concert for when DS was 5 months, and that one evening was hard enough.

There's absolutely no way I'd leave my baby at 4 months, for one night, let alone four. DD in particular was very attached to me, I believe there's a good chance she would have been traumatised if I had vanished for four days. There's no way to explain to a 4 month old that it's OK, you're coming back.

I'm not saying you shouldn't go, but that you should seriously entertain the idea that you may not want to go, and to allow yourself that option.

I left DS for a night when he was 1. He didn't sleep and cried all night, I later found out. I left him again about a year later I think. I've never been away for more than one night and he's 5 now (although a very secure little boy, I expect he'd be fine now if I was away for a few days).

[Cherrypi]

I don't think you should, especially overseas. As you are breastfeeding your body is going to be physically craving your baby not to mention your mind. You will likely not enjoy it after the first day of freedom. This sort of behaviour should be restricted to medical emergencies.

[GretchenWiener]

I wouldn't. I'm not precious etc. But a hen do? They're always shit

[GretchenWiener]

You won't enjoy it. I do think it's too long.

[Iggly]

No I wouldn't. 4 months is little plus you may explode with excess bm!

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

I personally wouldn't have gone even for one night when mine were that small. But that was just my choice.

I think one night would be doable with the BF. Longer may be tricky. Taking the odd bottle here and there is not the same as having bottles all the time for 4 days.

Your baby will physically miss you. But the real fear I think is that in 4 days your baby may take to the bottle and not go back to breastfeeding. And you may have problems with your supply if you are not near your baby for so long. If you are still EBF by then you will physically crave your baby. IMHO 4 days is long enough to break the breastfeeding 'habit' (can't think of a different way to put it) permanently. So if that matters to you I wouldn't go.

[wigglylines]

"As you are breastfeeding your body is going to be physically craving your baby"

That's a good way to put it. The idea of being separated from my baby for 4 days, at 4 months gives me the fear tbh.

If it were me, the way I would see it, is that bride's life will not be fundamentally changed by whether I go or not. But my baby's might, if our breastfeeding relationship ended because of being separated for 4 days, or if s/he was traumatised by me disappearing for so long.
Ending breastfeeding is a big deal, and should be done at a time that's right for the mother and baby, not risked to fit with a bride-to-be's social engagements. If the bride has enough empathy and intelligence she'll understand. And if not that's her problem IMO!

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

I'm coming back to this as I'm concerned for you at the prospect you might leave it until the very last minute and just 'see how you feel'.

I don't think that's the right way to do it. You are bound to feel under social pressure not to let your friend down at the last minute. Anyone would. And you are also likely to feel excited and a bit 'demob happy' at the thought of going away. I don't think actually leaving will be the biggest problem. It's more about the consequences for you and your baby while away and when you get back.

I do believe that your breastfeeding relationship with your baby is likely to be severely impacted by being away so long and it might permanently end. I think you should weigh up how much this matters to you (absolutely not judging you if you decide its the right time to stop breastfeeding but I don't think you are saying that) and decide if going away is worth the risk. Make a considered decision based on this risk analysis - not a snap decision on the day. It's too important for that.

[ColdCottage]

DH will be supported by my parents and sister who DS is used to being with.
I am concerned about my supply and if it will effect feeding him and this is very important to me.

Has anyone else been away this long while EBF? Did it impact on supply or if DC would still BF on return?!?

[princessconsuelobananahammock]

Can't comment from a breast feeding point of view but I left DS overnight with either my mum or DH from 3 weeks. I felt fine to do that as at the age they need love, feeding, reassurance etc but that doesn't have to be exclusively from you. If your DH is up for it I'd go. I'd be more concerned about him than baby!! I also think we're conditioned to miss our children, clearly we miss them but you'll see them again a few days later so don't ruin your time feeling bad! :)

[Pugaboo]

I don't know of any EBF mothers that went away with a baby this young for more than 1 night. In fact I don't know of any BFing mothers with a baby under a year who've been away this length of time. Probably fairly good reasons for that.

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

I don't know of anyone who EBF and has been away for more than one night with a baby under a year old.

[LST]

I'd go op. My first stopped out at his gps at about 8 wo (he was a very easy baby, sleeping through etc) as it was nye and I had also made plans. He is 2.8 now and is going on holiday with my mum and dad to Northumberland next week. DS2 however hasn't ever stopped out. He's 6 months. He would if we ever needed him to though.

[londonkiwi]

I EBF both my babies and there's no way I could've done it. For one thing they both went off using a bottle around 9 weeks. I don't think I'd enjoy 4 nights away due to missing them, worrying about them and constantly having to express (day and night) to prevent engorgement.

I can't remember when I first had a night away - probably when they were around 15-20 months when I'd stopped breastfeeding. In saying that I've always enjoyed nights away but couldn't imagine doing that when I had a small baby.

[ColdCottage]

Not feeling good about this now. Very torn

[CrispyFB]

I had exactly the same situation with my PFB years ago now. EBF, and hen do booked for four months long before delivery. I naively thought it would be fine.

It was for two nights (so not quite as long) a good four hours travel time away in a different part of the country.

When it came down to it, I knew I couldn't stay the whole two nights and opted for one. I took my pump, and aimed to pump every three hours or so.

In reality - I didn't miss her as much as I thought, but that's not to say I didn't miss her because I did loads! But I wasn't inconsolable with grief or anything and it was lovely to be "me" again with my friends. For a FF mother, I'd definitely say go for it!

However, the breastfeeding side of it.. my good intentions even with one night away soon slipped over every three hours. With hindsight and the amount she was feeding (on demand feeding whenever she felt like it!) the sudden shift to scheduled several hours gaps was not what my supply was used to. I'd also easily get distracted with friends (especially in the evenings after a few drinks) and I went longer between pumps than intended. Three hours became four on several occasions, and without a baby to wake me that night I was happy going for five hours, something DC1 had never done. Trying to find somewhere to plug in my pump (and when back at the "base" the walls being thin so I knew I was disturbing the other hens) got awkward as well.

I kept and refrigerated/coolboxed all the milk I collected for the 36 hours I was away, and it was probably under half of what she'd consumed back home.

After I got home it was clear that even with a 36 hour break with pumping that my supply had taken a massive hit. My breasts felt soft when she was starving, and it took a good few days of basically doing nothing except letting her suck constantly before things started getting back to normal.

And I thought I responded well to the pump.. I guess when it's a pump to replace a baby, not as well as I thought. I later pumped at work from 4.5 months until 12 months and often had to do extra pumps to make up enough for the next day.

That's not to say this will happen to you, because one thing I have learned (am on DC4 now!) from all the due date groups I've been on is that women are all different when it comes to their milk supply and how they respond to pumping etc. But I never spent a night away from an EBF baby again.

That's also not to say I think you shouldn't go. If I were in your shoes based on my experiences, I like the suggestions about DH staying nearby and bringing baby over/you visiting as well as the odd pumping session when it's not appropriate. Or going for fewer days.

[ColdCottage]

This is very helpful Crispy. I can't take DH or DS as it is in France (plus don't think I'd get DS a passport in time).
A lot to think about. I was thinking about mane just going Sat-Monday like some of the other hens (due to work).
Do you think if I did a two day stint of pumping and feeding him it would give me an idea if he and I would cope?

[londonkiwi]

Sorry coldcottage, not meaning to make you feel bad! You don't have to decide right now do you? Although I guess you're feeling pressure to express and freeze in case you go.

Is going with baby and DH and staying close by an option?

[Lweji]

4 months is different from 2 months. Even regarding your breasts and of your baby feeding. So, I wouldn't test it now.

I would indeed only go for 2 nights, or a full day, as it would mean you'd still go, but it wouldn't be too much of a toll on both of you

It would still be fine for the 4 days, but I would only do it for things that I couldn't miss. As important work events, for example.