To think it was not her story to tell and she shouldn't have told me?

[thatwhichwecallarose]

Was chatting with a colleague today and I mentioned that my boss had been very supportive (I was 4.5 months pg when I started the job). I said "it probably helps that he has 4 of his own". And she said "well only 3 now" and went on to tell me how his eldest had died at about 7.

I now feel awkward about all the times I might have mentioned (jokingly) about 4 being a nightmare or it being really chaotic with 4 kids (his youngest would've been born after the eldest died so never 4 in the house at the same time). But most of all I feel that if he says he has four then who is she to say otherwise? If he wanted me to know he would've said.

Perhaps she knows he doesn't keep it secret as such?

I think she was right to tell you and possibly prevented you from making unintended hurtful comments in future. Your boss may not be able to put into words his loss, or have felt there was never an appropriate time to mention it.

Of course he's going to say when asked he has 4 children, would you really expect him to answer 3.

I think you are maybe saddened and shocked hearing his sad news, feeling awkward about previous conversations when you didn't know and transferring these feelings to criticising your colleague.

Once the information sinks in I'm sure you won't think she has done anything wrong.

Maybe she wanted to prevent you making a faux pas about this in future, as a result of not knowing? You say you feel awkward for comments you may have made, yet still think this person shouldn't have told you? Doesn't make sense!

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You're probably all right. Most people in our department have been there a long time so it's likely they all know anyway.

I now suspect I'm being selfish because of how it made me feel but it's not about me, is it?

Id actually be thankful she told you. I'd be pretty cheesed at a colleague not telling me and letting me stick my foot in it.

Is this the shortest Aibu ever?

Aibu? Yes, YABU.

Oh ok.

She was doing you a favour. No need To feel awkward for what you didn't know, but now you do you won't inadvertantly put your foot in it.

I think its probably a good thing she said. .after all it could stop you from saying something that would make your boss feel awkward. Perhaps he realises that someone in the department would say anyway and at least then you would know..meaning your boss doesn't have to say. How very sad.

OMG we should have this thread framed. The first time ever someone has come back and said "yes , yre probably right."

I think she was probably trying to tell you in a subtle way as it may have been noticed if some of your comments have inadvertently been a bit painful for him. Quite honestly, a colleague who keeps telling me how hard it is with four children would get on my nerves and I'd be tempted to say 'well why did you have them then?'. It smacks of 'my life is so much harder than yours'.

Agrww to instant thread framing and gold stars sprinkling liberally to all.

In fact I kind of want to say YANBU as you're clearly do lovely :)

Never mind OP :( you had a bit of a shock when you heard this. It's natural for you to feel upset.x

I'm not sure it's been an issue for him as such. She is my mat leave cover so until this week wouldn't have heard me say anything and it's not like I'm always going on about it!!

I don't think I can argue against a 100% unanimous YABU! Even DH agrees with you all!

Our friends have 4 children, of whom 3 are living. It might confuse people who haven't known them long, or don't know them well, but they refer to having 4 DC.

It's not a huge secret that 1 child died, but they still very much consider themselves parents of 4. By never mentioning 4 again, or referring to just having 3 DC, I think you could possibly cause more unintentional upset, than by continuing to refer to 4.

Hi OP

I think YABU but understandably. I am one of 4 children but the sister above me died aged 4 (in 1983). It's weird because sometimes it comes up and I usually say I have a brother & a sister and just don't mention my other sister but it doesn't feel right. My mum always says she had 4 children, of course, but then it segues into an awkward conversation where she has to mention that one died very young and of course the other person feels totally awkward and awful... I think it's understandable that your boss has avoided having the conversation and it's good that your colleague has let you know.

I'm sure no one intended to make you feel bad. I often have tortured paranoid reactions ("what did I SAY") - usually the morning after too many wines - so I understand the feeling!

But are you sure she's right? I would have thought that other people in the department would have mentioned this to you some time ago.