To wonder why in laws cant accept its not still 1970 outside.

[Vix1980]

Both are smokers, both are drinkers. Fil in particular is very small minded (believes the earth is flat, women on 1 side, men on the other in the pub, scared to go anywhere were there may be "foreigners", you get the picture). Ive posted tons about them before as they drive me insane.

They take ds out for a few hours once in a while to the park by their house. One time though a few weeks ago theyd asked to take him to a fair a train ride away, we agreed as it was his birthday he loves things like that, hes only 2 so loves the lights etc..

To cut a long story short, they agreed to feed him and be back around 6ish. 6 came and went and i asked dp to call them to find out if ds had eaten tea (hes teething so not eating well atm). we didnt get an answer so he kept on trying to get through. at 6.45 mil finally answered her phone, dp was mad by then, his bedtime is 7pm and this was 15 minutes before. He asked where they were, oh were in the beer garden in the pub. The dirty old mans pub that fil has to be in every weekend on the dot at precisely the same time. The one they said they werent going to go to at all this weekend as they were taking ds out for the day somewere nice instead. and the beer garden is not a garden, its a bit of wasteland next to the pub, some use it to park in some use it as a tip to dump things in. It has 4 chairs and a table in it.

So after dp went to get him we were raging mad all night, I cant believe they thought it was ok to take 2 year old the pub and still be there at half 6 on a sunday evening. They hadnt even fed him, they got some fish and chips and he had a few of those at around 4pm.

So again this arguement has gone on for the past week now with them, they can see no wrong, they think its acceptable what they did and mil in particular is loving the drama by telling all the family blow by blow accounts of how horrible we are being to her.

Its now ended with us telling them we dont want them smoking around him yet again as we could smell smoke on his clothes this time, their response " were in a beer garden, we were outside" yes but sitting right next to him still. Fil's reply is always well you were brought up that way and your alright. apparently we need to stop wrapping him in cotton wool as we ask people not to smoke around him. they called at the weekend and said they wont bother with him again. so far fil hasnt been in touch at all, but he a stubborn tit who always has to be right. they will all give into him but im ready for a fight if need be.

Mil has called 3 times since then abour other things, trying to make conversation with dp. think shes waiting for an invite here, she'll be waiting a long time.

Is there any hope for a narrow minded man stuck in a 1970's time warp... I dont want to cause more arguements but im not backing down on this. so he either does as we ask with regards to his only grandchild or he doesnt get to see him. aibu if i say that to him. It probably will cause murder if it comes to that but im not giving into him over this. Dp thankfully feels the same, weve had arguements about them before and e usually does take their side but im grateful he thinks the same as me on this.

You knew they smoked before you let them take him out. They DID feed him. You knew what they were like - entirely your own fault for trusting them so YABU. But, you have learned a lesson.......and your son is ok.

Can't believe some are giving the OP grief for this!

They said they were taking him to the fair - they took him to the pub.
You asked them to have him back by 6 - they didn't even bother to stay contactable for this time.
You've asked them not to smoke around him - they smoked around him.

smoking round a kid - wrong! him smelling of smoke :(

taking him to a dirty old mans pub (bad choice of phrase but I can imagine)

did they actually not do the full day out.

Being in a pub when he should be home with no text - wrong.

least you got support

OP, did they take him to the fair first?

I know the type of pub you mean and it isn't the dirt of place you take a toddler, in their defence (if they went to the fair) did they want him to meet their friends?

Food and Bedtimes should be flexible when out with family members.

But, if the've lied, then they don't take him out again.

When you take young children out, you take then to places they they would enjoy, or are good for their development.

They obviously can't put his needs first, you can smoke and not stink, or have everyone/thing around you stinking.

It's the same issue/OP as that other thread isn't it. Has it happened again OP or are you recounting the same incident? If the former then YABU not to have learned from the first time and if this is the same incident then YABU for coming back and starting a new thread about it.

Must be the same poster in both threads

chin up op

I can't believe how many people think that this is fine, and a 'fun day out' or a 'treat.'

They've lied to you, disrespected your wishes, disrespected YOU as parents, polluted your sons lungs with secondhand smoke, and given him a shit day out to boot.

I certainly wouldn't be letting them take him out again.

YANBU.

Oh and there TOTALLY is a difference between a nice, clean family friendly pub with safe beer garden and swings etc, and a 'dirty old mans pub.' Completely get what you mean there OP.

If the other thread is yours OP, then you are responsible for your DS's safety and shouldn't be leaving him in the care of people who have drink problems.

You seem to be blaming them for you and your DH not acting like parents and making the right decision in your DS's interests.

I would be cross too. Really not on to smoke over your little one and presumably it's not just the GPs but the rest of the beer "garden" clientele as well.

I am reading the op wrong?

I got the impression they had taken him to the fair but were late home because they stopped off in the pub/beer garden for a drink.

If that is the case I would be a bit annoyed over the smoking but otherwise would think you're overreacting a bit.
But I didn't read your other thread so maybe there's a lot more that I'm unaware of.

I'd be pissed off too OP.

A toddler in a pub patio running around so his grandparents can smoke and drink is definitely not "a fun day out." They didn't even let you know plans changed or where they were.

Sure they fed him-at 4. That's not a dinnertime.

Sadly, I don't think you'll be getting an apology. Shitty as it is.

I dont think the OP wants a apology, she wants comfort she is doing the right thing to cut them off

she is

If they only went to the pub and not the day out YANBU.
Also YANBU about the smoking.
Just wondered if MIL is a bit under FIL's thumb-could she see him at your house or take him out for a short time on her own?
She may not be enjoying the drama she may just be upset and moaning about it to everyone.
I would lay the law down about the smoking.

As people have said there are two separate issues here.
The smoking is unacceptable & you're 100% right to not back down on it. If they can't provide a smoke free environment for their GC then they can only see their GC when one of you is around, if at all.

Being un contactable after the agreed time to return home. Unacceptable. If they knew they were going to be late they should've called you to let you know. That's not just bad grandparenting, it's also rude & shows a lack of courtesy. If they can't improve communication when they've got your DC then they don't deserve to get your DC. But I would be tempted to give them another chance with this.

Horrible manky old pub. They've clearly put their own preferences first without a thought to their GC. In this situation it isn't the end of the world but it isn't a great indicator of how they might be in other situations. It will be their loss though, if they continue to spend time with your DC only doing things they like, your DC will find them boring & not want to visit.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter whether or not anyone agrees with your parenting rules or thinks their ridiculous, because you've chosen to put them in place for a reason. If they can't respect those rules then you can't trust them.
In another thread I saw some advice I'm trying to take on board. It was to have two lists of rules, one set that can never ever be broken (smoking, staying in contact) & one set you're willing to bend on (bed time or having 'treats'). Sit down with the grandparents & have an open & frank discussion about it. Give them a chance to correct their mistakes but don't give endless chances. Pre agree with your DH what the last chance is.

Good luck!

Yanbu but it is clearer in the other thread, if yours. However yabu a bit to let them take him if alcoholics.

Are you the same poster who posted about them going to the pub on the dot at 4 if you are then fgs why are you still assuming they will change if you are not I apologise they took him on a day out they went to the pub for dinner and he wasnt in bed when you wanted yabu they smoke outside smokers usually do you are going to have to decide if you like these people enough to let the m take their gs out they wont change cos you said so,

Yanbu about the smoking though but they will think its ok outside

yabu. you knew how the lived their lives but chose to let your son Go with them. what happened sounds right in line with their past behaviour as per your other threads.

it's not unreasonable to ask them not to smoke in the same room as him.

I wouldn't have left people you describe as having a drinking problem in charge Of a two year old.

Smoking agreed.

Rest? Not so much. I just think you don't like them. It's about you. Not the dc.

OP-did they take him for day out and then call at pub or only take him to pub?It makes a difference.

Do one or both of them have an alcohol problem?
I would not leave him unsupervised with someone who is likely to get drunk whilst he is in their care.

Fish & chips and standard of beer garden -not so important.

They sound like nightmares to be honest! Especially about the smoking, but the rest would piss me off too to be honest.

I grinds my gears when people tell other people to 'stop wrapping their kids in cotton wool.' It is so fucking judgmental. Hello? Who is the parent? You can choose to make your children wear bubble wrap helmets if you want to, they're your kids. If you say x is bedtime, then x is bedtime. They don't get to choose on your behalf! They are meant to work with you and your choices, not against you. They don't sound very supportive.

My family respect my choices for my son, and we discuss matters like adults and it works well all round. I'm not saying they have to tread on eggshells around me, but they understand I like routine with him and they run stuff by me. My DS is fairly young so I think I will be a bit more lenient and confident when he is older, which is natural. I'm still learning how to be a parent and they accommodate that, rather than undermine me.

I'm thinking you should not have put this in AIBU, you're not going to get calm opinions on how to reach an agreement with your in-laws, probably just mostly condemnation because anyone that says anything about inlaws on this board OBVIOUSLY has a deep rooted hatred for them, and they automatically can do no wrong

Happydaysatlastforthebody an 'old man's pub' in my opinion is one that isn't exactly family friendly, and where alcoholic older men (obviously not exclusive to) stumble into from 11am to 11pm at night. That is how I would describe my local and several others that I've had before that. PC? No. But it is a term commonly used.

I actually can't see anything wrong with any of it. Providing they were not there all day and had just stopped off for a couple of hours. If they were smoking outside then i also would have no problem with that. He was fed, and often bedtimes go out the window on days out. My DS is 22mo and i would be fine with this.

Given your previous thread, YANBU. It is reasonable to expect to be able to contact the GP when they are with your child, to be updated on plans and for them to respect your wishes about smoking/drinking.

It sounds like FiL is trying to escalate the situation by threatening "not to bother" any more. Is your DH likely to cave in? If at all possible, I would avoid rising to FiL's bait - just keep repeating "thank you FiL, but DH and I have decided that we want X, Y, Z for DS" and if he keeps going, say "well, we are his parents and this is what we have decided". Don't debate with him about whether passive smoking is good for kids - it isn't worth it, he is obviously being ridiculous and you don't have to justify yourself or your choices.

FWIW, if MiL wants to maintain the relationship and will come to your house to spend time with DS, is it not worth letting her? I wouldn't let her take him on her own if you are worried about her drinking, but if there is any hope for a relationship with her, especially away from FiL, I would think it would be worth pursuing. Sticking with supervised contact is totally reasonable though IMO.

yanbu at all and I'm at a loss as to why anyone thinks you are...

The pub is a shithole, not a family pub with a playground and other children around. It's the kind of place I would probably feel intimidated at as an adult by the sounds of it, definitely no place for a toddler. They smoked in front of him, outside or not that is never acceptable. They didn't contact to say they'd be late nor did they answer your phonecalls... I can imagine how panicked you'd be thinking the worst, I would anyway.

It wasn't clear as to whether they did take him to the fair or not but if they did why couldn't they drop him home before going to the pub? Pretty easy really- take him to the fair, get him something to eat and return him to you. I don't know why anyone would consider that sort of a place appropriate for a child. And if there was no fair then bigger shame on them really. Oh what an exciting day out with our GS, at the pub