Never standing up for DD

[lalala2]

I've been feeling like I don't stick up for DD (3) enough for quite a while and a thread I posted yesterday reinforced that (strange woman at her while we were having lunch). Aside from that issue completely though I just seem to never "take her side" at playgroups, soft play, friends houses etc and I'm starting to feel awful guilty!

I am younger than most of the other mother's and I think subconsciously that's got something to do with it but I'm always at her "Oh say sorry", "watch the little boy", "share share "share" and in a friends house her little boy acts appallingly sometimes and only now I'm starting to stand up firmly for my DD and not sugar coat everything to him.

I've got a friend who is like a tiger over her cubs and if anyone even looked at them crooked she'd pounce but where is the line?
My own mother never really had my back and I always felt it, from minor things to big things though I remember her going across the road once to have a word with a girl who was bullying me and I nearly burst with pride and delight that she'd stand up for me!

Thing is, I'm not a wimp at all I just think most of these issues are so trivial I'd rather hold fire if that makes sense? But I don't think that could be very good for my DD?

I hope I'm making sense here!

Yanbu - I am similar. I've taught my dc to be polite, share, be considerate and generally be a good person imho.
That does mean that sometimes they come off worse when other kids push in, snatch things, say mean things or push them around.
My mother never stood up for me - if I had a problem it was always trivialised or somehow inferred that it must be my fault in some way.
I'm not like that with my dc - I don't assume they're 100% right when they have a problem, I try to give a dispassionate opposing view so they gain some perspective. But sometimes they just need a cuddle and to know that Mum is on their side, that they've been treated shabbily and it's ok to say that. Assertiveness is a key thing to teach. I'm trying to do that with my dc. Stand up for yourself without being aggressive or over bearing. It's a difficult balance.

It's something I struggle with too as my dm was like your's so I almost automatically slip into that role but I'm working on my own boundaries and then filtering it down to ds. I'm reading a book called boundaries which was recommended on a MN thread. It's quite religious which took me by surprise but the principles are good and I'm finding it really helpful for identifying different types of boundaries, and recognising how to navigate them in personal relationships. (My boundaries are fine in work relationships because I didn't absorb my dm's example there!).

You probably have the balance better than you think as you're so aware of how your dm treated you.

Thanks for posting this, I've realised that I do this too. The trouble is that it is over such minor things I think that it doesn't matter. But it probably does I am either teaching dd that she is to be walked on or I am teaching her that the only way to get your own way is by being a pusher and a shoved like those who push and shove her. And I don't want her to do either of these!

Ok - yesterday.

What happened:- Dd (4) at gym club nearly at the front of the queue to do forward rolls. PIB (Push In Boy) pushed ahead of her. IED (Ineffectual Dad) said "Don't push in PIB." PIB refused to move, IED gave up and PIB went ahead of dd.

What I should have done.

Me (in bright breezy tone):- "Come on dd - you are next (moving her bodily if necessary) shall we show PIB your lovely forward roll"

The trouble is that it is such a minor thing. But from now on I am going to stand up for her!

Op I think it's a really interesting post and one that anyone sensible can understand.

You don't want to be the pushy, twatty parent who jumps in straight away to protect your child over trivial things but you also do to want to be constantly correcting yours when noone else seems to bother.

You teach your child good manners/to share/ take turns and then they are left stranded when another parents doesn't and your child looses out.

I had learned by dc3 to not be afraid to be firm with another child, re above MumOfTwoYoungKids and would have gently moved that child and put dd in front.

I remember my dm tackling a bully too. Felt good.

But it's a very difficult balance really agree.

It's great you're thinking about this.

I do this too, and I'm older than most mothers! I don't think it's an age thing (yours and mine, I mean).

I have been guilty of sometimes thinking the worst of dd because another child's parent has told me something that dd is supposed to have done. In the past, I have trusted that parent's judgement more than my own, due to my own insecurities and upbringing. I've since discovered that the other child was regularly making things up about my dd. Boy, did I feel guilty! It taught me a valuable lesson though, and I'm much better at standing up for dd, and intervening when she needs my support.

I was exactly like this with my eldest DD and used to feel exactly the same way as you do OP. I think, especially with our first borns, that we as mums put a lot of pressure on ourselves to do things 'right'.

I have 3 DCs now, and my eldest has grown up, and over the years I guess I've just naturally become more assertive and this has filtered down to how I behave around my DCs too.

I am now very likely to behave in the way Mumoftwo has described that she would like to have behaved yesterday when a child pushed in front of hers.

I think that we gradually become a bit more objective in our parenting, with time and experience, and I find I have now started seeing situations for what they are more, therefore find it easier to stand up for my DCs if necessary.

I hope this makes sense. It does in my head anyway!

I'm so glad you posted this as I have been thinking about this too. I can see that DD (3) is very confident and assertive at home and with family and close friends, but I think she is a bit of a bystander sometimes with other kids e.g. at park, even sometimes at nursery, so I'm trying to figure out how to teach her to be assertive, without her thinking she can then be the pushy one. I guess it's a bit different to your quandary as it is about her rather than me, but I'm very conscious that how I manage it is going to be really important for her general self-confidence.

I've started trying to talk to her about it, and have even role-played what to do when someone pushes in, but I am also trying to balance the share share share, let friend have a go, etc.

It's really hard!

D

I think you're probably right. You're teaching your kids to control themselves and not constantly be looking for someone to weigh in for them. It'll help them become confident and assertive.

Thanks so much for your replies.

It's such a difficult one, the other day in my friends house we asked the two kids to tidy up all the toys they'd be playing with and said they could have an ice pop if they did. DD jumped up and tidied the majority while my friends little fella lay on the ground throwing a tantrum and throwing toys around saying he didn't want to, I gently asked him to help her that it wasn't fair but he just screamed and rolled around so I said to my DD okay you've done your share now why don't you go over and get your ice pop and when "little boy" is finished his share he can have one too. She was delighted with herself but he hit her then and his mother took over then and tidied for him but he was still wailing so she offered him an ice pop and I quietly said I didn't really think it was fair after he had refused to tidy and hit my DD. Luckily the friend and I have a great relationship and she understood that I was just worried about sending the wrong message to my DD.

When we came home DD was so well behaved and seemed thrilled that things had gone fairly for her for once as usually my friend gives into her son and my DD gets the short straw (eg. If they're arguing about what seat they want to sit it, what colour play dough they want, what toy they want etc) because she knows my DD won't put up a fight (and I usually go along with it, though I'm starting to really resent it and refuse to any more)

There's such a fine line but I like to think I'm able to see what's fair regardless of which child is mine. I just have to start gently acting on it a bit more.

Thank you for posting this. I have always been so frightened that my children will turn into bullies that I have definitely over egged that pudding and now have they problems with assertiveness, esp my daughter.

Thankfully I once overheard my son (9) say to my daughter (7) 'Adults are always making a big deal out of things that don't matter.' So he has managed to keep some perspective.

It's not got much to do with age, OP! I am fairly ancient and I am always apologising for everything, even my dog when another dog jumps at him.

I was only thinking about this just now when I was doing the ironing: my mother always insisted I subordinated myself to others in all situations. It is a fine line between being polite and being that doormat that others are happy to wipe their feet on.

With my own dcs I really try to show them that manners get you far in life, but at the same time not to take any crap from anyone. I still can't get over the fact though that some kids are "ME FIRST!!!" and their parents are right behind them.

Difficult one this.

On the one hand you want your little dc to be nice, polite, share, take turns etc so you teach them all of those things.

Then, whilst they are doing their best to be good and behave nicely, all the other little dc's are pushing in, snatching, being rude etc etc (through no fault of their own) because their parents have not taught them manners (old-fashioned term nowadays, I know!).

My dd took it very much to heart and began to think that other kids behaved towards her like this because they didn't like her and were being deliberately nasty. She always ended up at the back of the queue, or missing out on things because she wouldn't make a fuss, and would always give in when another dc shoved her out of the way/grabbed a toy off her, because she was afraid of being told off for not 'sharing' - especially by the staff at nursery.

It took me years to persuade her to understand that being assertive and sticking up for herself when necessary was actually ok!

I read your other thread and commented that I was surprised you let some oddball put your DD on the spot and apologized for her when actually the rude woman was in the wrong. What struck me is that you seemed more concerned with seeming polite and not offending the crazy lady than you were with protecting your DD. Now that you explain your own background that makes sense.

You were obviously raised to think that your views on things don't matter and what's important is not displeasing others. That must make it hard for you to assert your DD's needs without worrying that you're in the wrong.

It is a really hard balance to strike especially when dealing with other people's kids who are not being taught boundaries e.g. your friend's DS. All I could say is try to focus on your DD and what you're teaching her rather than what other people will think or whether it seems rude. You example of asserting yourself to your friend re the kids cleaning up is a good start!