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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be done with it all & elope?

75 replies

sheandlifex · 09/07/2014 00:46

Four years ago DP asked me to marry him. Since then we've been various shades of broke combined with a pregnancy and families who don't know each other or care to (his mum, dad and sister irrationally hate me & fail to acknowledge I even exist nowadays).

We're getting married in October. Save the date booked in, giving notice next week etc but seriously, all I've had is trouble. From my brother saying if his girlfriend of six months, her twelve year old daughter and her grandson don't come he won't either to being told I can't invite my brothers ex-wife who I am close with because it'd cause trouble and DP not wanting the drama of inviting his parents. We told them we'd invite who we like and it's just caused more hassle.

Would I be being unreasonable to practically elope with DP, our two DD's (6 & 3) plus two witnesses to the registry office in my dress and just do it for £50 in City Hall? DP thinks it's a great idea and our photographer would do the ceremony and shots outside so we have professional photos and then we'd pop out for a meal.

My wedding dress isn't that fancy (long, lace, straps) and DP would be in a shirt & trousers so I think we could pull it off in a small register office without looking too fancy plus we save around £1000 plus hassle. I know my family will be upset but the marriage to me is much more important than anything else, even the reactions of family. I feel really horrible doing it but I REALLY want to. DP doesn't care either way as long as we're married from it.

OP posts:
TeaRex · 09/07/2014 06:52

Oh god, elope!!! Do it, me and my husband wished we had, the only things that stopped us were family members having already paid for flights (they live abroad) and a sense that we had to go through with it to please others.
It's your day, do what you want x

MaryWestmacott · 09/07/2014 06:53

Do it! Or take your £1k budget, have a holiday with it and tell everyone you aren't doing formal invites, you will be marrying at x place on y day if they want to join you, to let you know.

Or do a holiday wedding and just tell them when back.

FidelineAndBombazine · 09/07/2014 06:58

Has anyone eloped and regretted it?

No. I wanted to elope, but let DH talk me round. I regret it Sad

Mylovelylovelyhorse · 09/07/2014 07:21

We eloped

Best thing we've ever done and practically everyone we know has told is they wished they had too

Voodoobooboo · 09/07/2014 07:29

Even my Dad says he wishes they'd eloped. He's always told me and DBs to do it and not have the big palaver.

Worst thing that will happen is there will be some collective huffing from people who are already in a piss. Go for it!

Infinity8 · 09/07/2014 07:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaryWestmacott · 09/07/2014 07:44

Oh I know one couple who while I don't think regretted their elopement wedding in itself, did regret the fall out and upset from family when they told them, it took a long time to rebuild bridges and she was shocked how hurt some people had been. I also know another couple who threw a big party on their 1st wedding anniversary after a small (less than 10 guests) wedding, it seemed in the end they did feel they'd missed out by not having a "do" so threw one then.

sashh · 09/07/2014 07:45

Do it

Tinkleybison · 09/07/2014 07:54

Gosh in your situation definitely! From the sound of it avoiding having his family at your wedding would be a good thing. I only know one person who has regretted it - she was persuaded by her DH and her (lovely) parents were disappointed so I think she found it an anticlimax. Your case sounds totally different though.

Paddingtonthebear · 09/07/2014 08:04

Didn't elope as we told a few people, mainly family, a few weeks beforehand. But we didn't have any guests or a reception, just the bare minimum two witnesses. Registry office and a nice lunch after. Don't regret it at all. Some of the family caused a fuss and acted very entitled and brattish about it. Yawn. Just made me realise I'm so glad we did it the way we wanted.

Idontseeanyicegiants · 09/07/2014 08:13

We didn't elope but I wish we had in a way because of various family stresses and they weren't half as bad as yours, I would definitely elope in your situation.
If anyone has a fuss at you just tell them that you couldn't trust people to behave.

ithoughtofitfirst · 09/07/2014 08:50

ELOPE.

Then have some kind of really low key laissez type party later on so dm gets to wear a nice hobbs dress.

DONE.

bonkersLFDT20 · 09/07/2014 09:06

We "eloped" when it looked like MIL and FIL were taking over our proposed day. We did tell them and they were there and they were happy for us. Everyone else got over it and we had the best time ever.

17 years later and I think I look back much more fondly at our rather unconventional day than a contrived event that neither of us wanted.

Try and think what will make you more happy in the long term. IMO, since you are spending the rest of your life with your partner then it's about creating memories that YOU want to look back on, not pleasing others.

stripedtortoise · 09/07/2014 11:39

YANBU.

I wish I had done the same.

GrowlLikeMargeSimpson · 09/07/2014 11:55

You could even go further and tell everyone that you've decided not to get married yet, but wait and see if it can be arranged better for all involved at some unspecified future date. Then go for a registry office do on the quiet and not mention it for a few years.

TBH it sounds already as though the people who are inclined to stroppiness are already getting stroppy, so you can't be any worse off by just doing what you want and excluding them. Accepting that for some people you can't do anything right is quite freeing. It gives you the choice of killing yourself to suit them and getting bitched at for it or doing what you want and getting the same bitching but ignoring it.

quietbatperson · 09/07/2014 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Squitten · 09/07/2014 12:29

Do it!

EmptyNestAgain · 09/07/2014 12:38

It's your wedding. Not theirs. Do what you want to do.

My DS and DIL will be doing the same in August. Just them and a photographer. I posted about it earlier. Just be aware that there will be some upset people, but they will get over it like I have

Just make sure you have a good time and a good marriage.

PoirotsMoustache · 09/07/2014 12:43

Seriously, have the wedding you both want. I am aware I'm just repeating what everyone on this thread has already said, but maybe another voice added to the crowd will help you decide.

It's your day, you're the ones getting married. People who care about you will get over any disappointment they may feel and will be happy for you, and anyone else can go jump.

glasgowstevenagain · 09/07/2014 12:55

Went to a big city in america

Invited parents (all retired)

who came

anyone else who wanted to could come, no one did, we made it short notice :)

suit yourself - it is your day

SarcyMare · 09/07/2014 12:55

invite who you want to invite, if they choose to decline because you haven't invited someone else, their problem, just ignore them all and enjoy yourself.
You could even just invite everyone to the church/reception office and say drinks down the pub (and you only buy 1 round).

Birdsgottafly · 09/07/2014 12:59

My DD, is getting married next year abroad, it isn't booked yet.

She knows that members of her DP's family won't go and this is why the've decided to do this.

She isn't paying for people who don't wish them well, or she hardly knows to party, when she can have a fantastic Wedding, cheaper.

People are welcome to attend, but we know thankfully they won't.

glasgowstevenagain · 09/07/2014 13:01

it was the perfect day - warm summers day - no reception as such Ice cream sundaes!

squoosh · 09/07/2014 13:01

Eloping is very chic.

Do it!

Itsfab · 09/07/2014 13:02

My friends got married in Gretna Green. Never regretted it.

It is YOUR day. Why the fuck should you do what these idiots want when they don't care enough to behave on one of the biggest day of your life?

Elope Elope Elope and spend the money saved on some lovely shoes, something for your home, family holiday, etc etc.