To always want baby with me

[SpongeboobSweatpants]

I'm only comfortable when my 14 week old baby is with me?

DH is forever asking to take her out walking with him (he loves to walk) but I don't want her gone for 90 minutes.
She is formula fed and goes three hours between feeds so that isn't an issue.

I can tell that he is starting to get annoyed with me but I am just much more at ease when she is with me.

He would walk with the older children but they complain that it's too far for them (13,10 & 6) or they are too slow and he likes to walk to stay fit and goes at a reasonable pace so a baby in a buggy would be no problem at all.

I don't want her going out in the rain, or when it's too hot and sunny, I don't want her getting too cold or hot etc.
If it were only for 20 mins or so it would be fine but he wants to go on his regular walks with her.

I'm being V V unreasonable aren't I? I know I am, I just want her with me though.

Any advice?

Thanks :)

Yes you are being very unreasonable.

Let your DH take her out for a walk, it will be lovely for him and be good for you....and your baby!

oh dear. you need to let go. doesn't your dh have the right to want to be with your child too?

Yabvvvu

She is his child just as much as she is yours. How sad to refuse him permission to take his own child out with him.

Can you all go on a walk?
Or, preferably, have a soak in the bath then a nap for an hour whilst they're out if your other DCs can keep themselves entertained.
Did you ever suffer from anxiety issues with your other DC?

YABVU. Your poor husband would probably like some 1to1 with your new bundle. Let him take her for a walk for goodness sake!!

As for not wanting her to get hot/cold/wet etc, I'm sure he'll manage her comfort. I'm sure he has managed it with your three older DC?

You need to let go a bit and have some consideration for your Dh who is probably feeling more than a little undermined and patronised. Were you like this with your other three?

I think you know YABU, deep down, but I can totally understand. I think some of the previous responses along the lines of "yabvvvvu" and "for goodness sakes" are cruel.

I've spent two hours in total away from DD since she was born 12 weeks ago. In 11 weeks time, she's starting at nursery when we go back to uni full time and I am dreading it. I can't imagine being away from her. It isn't just worrying about what if she needs me, it's feeling like I need her too - I need to be near her and able to see her. I'm starting to let OH take her for walks, to get me used to being apart from her.

Could you ask him to take a shorter walk with her to begin with, and gradually build it up?

I understand what you mean. It isn't a question of trust really, nor is it you saying he's any less your DC's dad... it's a protectiveness. You carried her for 9 months, of course you're going to feel like the most qualified person to take care of her!

I think those saying the OP is BVVU are thinking of it from her husband's perspective. It is perfectly normal to feel like that, but to actually prevent a father from taking his own child out is an unreasonable way to deal with those feelings.

To answer some questions, yes I was like this with my other three but he was in a different job then which gave him less time at home so it wasn't really an issue.
Now he is home four days a week (long hours on three days) so he has more time for the children.

I do suffer anxiety (on meds for it and have been to CBT) I think this is why he lets me off with such irrational behaviour

Thanks for being so frank with me, he is now out with baby and the 10yo (who suddenly doesn't mind a long walk now that the baby is going too lol)

I usually have stuff like this under control but I have been signed off CBT for about six months now (which is good because I have improved so very much) so haven't had anyone to tell it to me straight. (DH is far too soft with me)
I'm usually fine once I have someone to tell me that IABU, I think I just needed an outside point of view.

By the way, this is my first post, I was always too nervous to post before..............nothing like jumping in off the deep end is there!

YANBU, I feel the same!

I think new babies bring out the irrational in all of us.

I remember angsting because my husband didn't 'hold him right'.

Well done you for recognising and addressing the angst!

I'm not sure! Mine were much much older when I left them with dh for the first time (8 or 9 months) but they were breastfed so there was a genuine reason for it, as in it would have been very difficult to leave them sooner. I do think they would have got distressed if I wasn't there but whether that's because of breastmilk, or because they needed me, I'm not sure.

I do believe that tiny babies need to develop a strong attachment to one primary caregiver and that that is the most important thing in the early stages. But I also believe that it is so important for them to develop a bond with both parents (that's coming from someone who had a very distant and un-involved dad, not sure if he was disinterested or if my mum and gran wouldn't let him near).

Would I have left mine earlier had they not been breastfed? Probably, on balance. How much earlier, I don't know.

I think to think of it another way..You do want your child to have a good relationship with all your children. Time together will build that

I can also say from an anxiety point of view to tackle it you need to go against your anxiety esp when you know you are BU ( which I think you knew before the post)

Remember when DC come home happy enough remember to reinforce your children were both fine with DH.

Final thought fresh air helps the little ones sleep. Better all the way round.

Glad he is off out

I'm glad you've found the confidence to put your feelings aside and send your husband off with your baby. Apart from anything, your other kids deserve a little time with you on your own without always having the baby there, so if it helps to focus on the positive effect it could have on them, then that's definitely something worth thinking about.

It sounds like you have worked really hard to keep your anxiety at bay, and these small victories all add up, plus fresh air and engaging in exercise will do them all good! Best of luck to you...

YABU to not let him take the baby out - he's his baby too. But I can completely understand you feeling the way you do. My DD is four weeks and I haven't been apart from her for more than an hour. I think I'd find regular separations quite hard....but, as she's breast fed and DP is working and I'm not, I don't have to deal with that .

My MIL told me that the first time is the hardest, but once they come back and they're happy and the fresh air has worked it's baby magic... you'll be fine.

I was the same with ds1 but I later got diagnosed with pnd. Once I had counselling I was much better and relaxed about being away from him.
I hope you enjoy your free time while your baby is with her dad.

Anxiety is a killer, I know someone who suffers and it has been a lifelong battle, having someone 'tell it you straight' just doesn't work. It can literally rule you life but it sounds like your husband is really good with you.

You'll never get rid of those feelings but managing them so you can allow your husband some baby time is important.
There is no magic cure and there is no harm at all in seeking further CBT (or even psychotherapy which is amazing btw) throughout your life as and when things get worse for you.