To want my mum to be more independent

[Soindecisive]

My mum is fit and able and in her early 60s. However, my dad has always done everything for her from driving her around to making all financial decisions.

My parents live in a rural area about 3 hours drive from me. Next week my mum is coming to visit for a few days. This involves my dad booking her train tickets for her, putting her on the train, then I have to meet her off the train (which means that I have to make a train and tube journey across London with a toddler!). If I didn't do this, she would never visit.

Although this ritual is inconvenient every time she visits, what I really worry about is if the time ever comes and she is without my dad. How on earth would she cope? I have always been such an independent person so part of me is always annoyed that she has allowed herself to become so dependent.

Sorry for the rant!

If she has no ability/desire to live independently she might want to live with you or one of your siblings if and when the time comes...?

You are right to be concerned, but whether you will ever convince her to change is another matter.
My DM has always been pretty much the same. SAHM mum, Dad did all the 'paperwork'. Mum didn't drive so she was always reliant on him to take them out shopping etc.
DM had always been in poorer health than DF so i think she always assumed that she would die before him (as did we). Sadly life doesn't always pan out the way you think and since DF died last year, it has been a nightmare for us all. DM panics about every item of post she gets, can't figure out how gadgets work, isn't able to get out unless one of us visits (and 2 of us are 75 miles away whilst the other is 4 hrs away) and I have to do her shopping on the internet whilst she relies heavily on neighbours for other things. Every minor problem is a crisis as far as she is concerned.

My DM is a generation older that your DM, however, and I think reliance on your husband was more the norm for them.

Maybe she is perfectly able to cope but likes the fact that your dad looks after her. She brought up a child so she obviously has her wits about her, she probably does a lot of the house stuff and so lets your dad do the other stuff.

Just because it's not the way you do things does not make it wrong. If she is happy and your dad is happy then that's the important thing.

Regarding the tube thing, that's nothing to do with being dependent on your dad though, if she lives in a rural area she is not used to the tube and just feels better with you meeting her.

Remember, a lot of the generation before us just do things differently, we are more independent than they were.

my mum is 67 and widowed 3 years ago.

she is just back from 3 weeks alone in Bali,

before that she was in Thailand and cambodia for a month....

If she is forced (like my mum) to do things on her own, then she will have to learn.

I would send a text or a call 20 minutes before her train reaches london.

broke down, child was sick, etc wont be there on time. you need to get the tube to.....

with nice instructions

she is 63 - say.

she was in her 30s in the 1990s!

Hardly a hugely different generation

My Mum used to be like this... she did work and she was the one to do paper work and once upon a time she did go on girlie holidays (frowned upon by family in the 70's). But the last 30 odd years she has settled into a life like you describe. She stopped learning to drive and said she has my Dad so doesn't need to drive. They worked together so that helped. She also had an illness and was forever breaking bones and had basically bagged the 'ill person of the family' and expected that she would be the one being cared for

Cue my Dad having a stroke and it has turned her world upside down, they have had to move back to England as she was stranded where she lived without driving. She is has been plunged into caring for my Dad which was just NOT on the cards...she is floundering

My grandmother relied on my grandfather in similar ways. When he got ill and eventually died we realised that he had been covering up her Alzheimer's, possibly for years. Life was very scary for her for a little while after he died

Are you sure your mum is as fit and healthy as you think?

Sometimes people who seem fine in their own environment are actually pretty useless with things like public transport links and large crowds.

I ask because my mum seems to be competent in her own area, but when out and about, always talks to the weirdo, and seems totally stressed with any event where she has to go it alone. I drop her off to the airport for eg and have to remind her to listen out for announcements, to watch the flights info boards and not just to follow some nice looking couple to their gate (as she has done before).

Maybe she's losing her hearing, and eye sight isn't as well as you think?

Otoh, she may well be someone who is used to all the attention, and being looked after, and she doesn't think for one second about you and the inconvenience to you and your family of meeting her.
Dragging a toddler around London sounds like a barrel of laughs....

Does she have a mobile? Could she phone you when she gets off her train, and you could talk her through the tube? Is there any middle ground?
I would think someone in their 60s would be fine, unless she's frail and carrying a huge case.

Btw, I have such a dependent but hale and hearty mother, and over the years I've bent over backwards, and put myself out financially for her- not sure if you feel like this fits your scenario, but my mother doesn't even notice the effort other people go to help her out.
My dad died 20 years ago and as I'm the only family in the country, the burden falls to me. It grates, and I go no contact when I've had enough babysitting her. She also has a fantasy that I'll look after her when she gets old and frail, and she'll move in with us.

My dad died 20 years ago and as I'm the only family in the country, the burden falls to me. It grates, and I go no contact when I've had enough babysitting her. She also has a fantasy that I'll look after her when she gets old and frail, and she'll move in with us.

This problem will happen more and more over the next few years as our bodies live longer than our minds.

I will buy a one way ticket to switzerland! - prob via vegas

My parents are the same but the other way round. My mum handles all of the finances, the paperwork, the shopping, the bills. When she was in hospital a couple of years ago, there was an assumption (from my mum) that my dad would need his shopping done, my dad would need food preparing of an evening, clothes washing etc. My dad was actually fit and well and only in his 50s! I explained to my mum that I would help/visit when I could, but it wouldn't be daily as I had a family and a job and I couldn't commit to becoming a housewife for my dad who was perfectly capable of looking after himself for a couple of weeks. And you know what, he was fine! Sometimes its the "do-er" that forces this dynamic.

We used to joke that dad would never cope without mum, and when she died my dad was 60 and had to learn to cook, clean, run a house and sort everything out. He did it though.
If I travel by train I also have to be driven to the station and met at the other end (I'm a nervous traveller).
I wouldn't read too much into it, she's just different to you, and that isn't a bad thing, that's just the way she is and it works for her.

My parents were similar to OPs.

My mum gave up work when she married my dad at 25 and never went back. She started to learn to drive at 30 but when she fell preg. with me she gave that up too. Dad was always in charge of all the bills and banking. Mum had a little account for the 'house keeping' and family allowance. That's it. Once i left home and dad retired she really did hardly anything alone or off her own back. She STILL almost proudly talks about the fact that, apart from her building society account book, on paper she doesn't exist!!

When dad died she was bereft. By then they had moved from london to be nearer me in the countryside.

For the first 5 years after dad died i took her every single week to get her grocery shopping to save her getting on a bus. I'm sorry i did. Because i perpetuated the 'needs help' with everything thing. Since suffering from a difficult pregnancy and having a new born DD, i've not been able to do so much for her and the PA guilt trips are littered all through our conversations and show no sign of easing. grrrrr.

and breath!

My FIL died unexpectedly leaving my MIL unable to cope with the mechanics of everyday life. She can't drive or use a computer and after her husband retired she stopped seeing friends and using public transport. Her husband paid all the bills and when he died MIL didn’t even know what was in their bank accounts or what type of accounts they held. Fast forward to today and she is lonely and isolated. Everything that happens to her is a major crisis and each piece of post she receives puts her into such a fluster that it has to be read down the phone to us page by page.

My DP says that his DM was a very capable person. However, she allowed herself to become totally reliant on her husband for everything.

If the worst happens the OP’s mother may find levels of resilience that surprise her. However, it's a wake up call for anyone of any age who relies too much on their partner...

Is your Mum suffering from anxiety?
If she is I don't think your Dad is helping by doing everything for her.
However throwing her in at the deep end won't help either-she'll just panic.
Can you talk to your Dad about your concerns and start chipping away at things bit by bit eg show her how to book her own train ticket on line, then encourage her to get on the tube herself etc, and get your Dad to show her the bills and standing orders- but one thing at a time and let her feel competent at one thing before you introduce the next.
It is easy to lose confidence once you stop doing things. I am a similar age to her and live in a rural area- I would be nervous if I had to catch the tube but would do it-wouldn't expect daughter to bring toddlers on tube to meet me.
I think her self-esteem would improve if she faced some of these challenges.
If its just laziness and she resists being shown you may have to just stop doing so much for her. Unless she has a disabling health condition she is not an old lady. I could understand this more at age 75+