Funeral aibu

[JumpRope]

Something happened at fil's funeral which I felt was wholly inappropriate.

Dh's maternal uncle is a non-stipendary vicar, and he gave the eulogy at the funeral. Fil had no family at all in attendance (only child and I think everyone is dead). So dh's uncle was speaking about fil's own parents, and he actually said fil's father was a lazy man. (And his mother overbearing and intense.)

I was as were my parents. The rest of the family just backed it up when I mentioned it later. Although then I heard a story about him cycling 20 miles through the welsh hills to do a 12 hour day at work, so I'm not sure.

Anyway, regardless of personal opinion, I found it quite uncomfortable that fil's family were denigrated in this way in their absence.

did you know them? presumably the uncle doing the talk did? sounds like he was saying FIL had done well, despite coming from a difficult start?

I never met them, yes that could be why. But it was shocking to me, and felt a bit like whitewashing family history,......

Sounds a little odd to say the least, and particularly surprising given the circumstances. I'm not surprised you were shocked. I think your family have abcked off because there's nothing to be done about it now and raising it would only cause more upset.

I have made them promise he can never speak at my funeral if I should die before him, because I know he has opinions about me, and don't want him spouting them with his dog collar on.

FiL Died
DHs maternal uncle is FILS BIL, ie his mothers brother.
FIL has no family (other than DH?)

The Uncle was talking about FILs parents? thats weird unless he is setting the tone for how well FIL did in life with a pair of useless parents?

As its all your DHs family, I'd get over it and let DH process his own feelings. Your role is to support not have an opinion.

Don't worry about that OP, of course he wont speak at your funeral unless he was invited to do so by your next of kin - wearing a dog collar does not make you the automatic choice for every member of the family. It sounds like he was the most senior member of the deceased's family remaining alive, so was the most obvious choice.

I don't get what you mean about whitewashing the family history? surely he did not do that - he told it as it was - whitewashing would imply he lied and said they were all lovely, perfect family etc, when that wasn't true

How does your DH feel about all this - was he upset to hear uncomplimentary things about his GPs? Upset that he had not known what a hard start his father had in life?

Maybe black washing is a better term. Dh seems to not have a strong opinion. I know it's complicated, but well, they are all dead and I felt it was wrong.

Fil's parents worked very hard to send him to private school from working class beginnings, and when he got there, he hated them because they were working class. Sad really.

But you said yourself you never even knew/met them? Maybe he didn't hate them being WC - maybe he resented that he felt they were sending him away/didn't have time for him/love him?

whatever the story, if your DH is not upset you really need to let this go. I can't see why you are bothered about hearing a few non-rosy home truths about your DHs ancestors TBH.

I'm bothered because dh's family are like judge, jury and executioner and I am an outsider, at risk of the same treatment.

Fil was quite open about why he didn't like his parents, to be honest it was class based.