To be annoyed that I am always the default setting for childcare as far as DH is concerned?

[doofreywotsit]

As per title really.

I feel that ever since we had children, DH's life has just carried on as normal, whilst all the childcare/thinking is my responsibility.

DH makes arrangements to go out all the time, never checking to see if I've got any plans or not. He went out for a drink with a friend last night, then tonight he is playing cricket. now he's just sprung it on me that he's also doing cricket on Thursday and "probably Wednesday" nights too. Leaving me to do the whole teatime/bedtime/bathtime thing on my own again. If I have plans and he then plans something I am expected to cancel my plans as he says he won't be able to have the DCs.

At weekends he thinks he can just dip in and out of parenting as he pleases. Mealtimes are always left to me to sort. If I didn't sort them, then the kids wouldn't get a meal. On Saturday he took DD to a party, well dropped her off really (10 minute drive away) then picked her up a few hours later, then claimed that it was his parenting done for the day and just left everything to me.

I would just love to have a choice sometimes like he seems to do about whether I cook, or whether I bath the DCs or not. He sees it all as my job, and that he is doing me a huge favour if he does anything.

He also never remembers anything about the kids, and asks me constantly. I am expected to be some sort of walking encyclopedia about the whole family.

Are you a SAHM? Not that it means he shouldn't do anything but just wondering if that's why he thinks this way.

Stop being a walkover. If you've made plans first then tell him tough tits. Take up a hobby that gets you out of an evening and leave him to it. Don't let him get away with this behaviour!

And whatever you do, never ask him to "babysit". I was out with a friend of mine recently and she said her dh was babysitting. REALLY????

Dads don't babysit their own children.

It got a bit like that in my house when the children were born and I was feeding them.
It still is a bit. He doesn't often ask if I'm free/available. I'm also the only one who has to leave work at a run, making excuses as I go just so that someone will get the kids home in time for tea and bed! Now I work part time and he earns 5 times what I do so I've just had to accept that but it does grate a bit.
Recently I've being much more stroppy about it. I've said he should not just assume I will be there. I've been going out more and making him make sacrifices for me social life. If its in the diary that I'm going out then that's it! I'm going out. If he wants to go at the same time he needs to find a babysitter.
I'm off out on Friday actually, and I'm not coming back til I'm ready on Saturday!
Stop letting him do as he pleases. Your OP does not make him sound like much of a husband or a father.

Stop cancelling your plans if he books something later. Also start booking yourself a regular outing in the evenings even if its just to go for a swim or a walk. Parenting isn't optional.

Get a calendar for your kitchen ALL events go on there, if you get there first its yours, if the other person has something on the same day, a babysitter is organised.

Split the roles up one does baths one cooks one night, then swap

Your husband sounds so deeply unreasonable that I suspect you are not able to put your foot down -- if you didn't cancel your plans then he would still go out, knowing you would never leave the children stranded.

If that is the case, then in all honesty, I would not stay married to such a man. What's the point? You have to do everything anyway and he gets to treat you like a servant.

YANBU - I would book some evenings out and let DH know in advance that you will be out so not to make plans, if he went out anyway then I would be seriously considering whether we had a future together.

Get that calendar. 2 different colour pens and every time one of you goes out it goes up. It will soon be very visible....

... but don't leave it to become a habit. Say no now!

'He went out for a drink with a friend last night, then tonight he is playing cricket. now he's just sprung it on me that he's also doing cricket on Thursday and "probably Wednesday" nights too.'

WTF? And your immediate reply is not 'Er, I don't think so - I'm not doing all the childcare every evening this week, thanks. You were out last night, you do childcare tonight, you want to do cricket, pick one night, the other night I'll be out and you'll be childcare.'

If you can't say that to him and expect to be listened to - you have a problem.

But what am I saying - of course you have a problem. This is crazy. No way would my DH even consider this. And as for the cooking, general stuff - mad.

You do have a choice. You can stop cooking every night and tell him there's going to be a rota. You can stop being ok with him dipping in and out of family life. You can sit him down and tell him that right now he's a shit dad and shit partner and really, you're beginning to have to think REALLY hard to see what the point of having him in the house is - and you're beginning to think life would be nicer alone, because at least then you're not having the piss taken out of you.

Ask him to sit down once a week to plan the week. What's for tea, who is cooking, appointments, when he plans to be out/late, when you plan to go out for an evening/ how the shopping/ gardening/housework is going to get done. Like two adults with equal responsibility...
Negotiate over specifics eg I don't mind if you're out wednesday night but if you want to go out tuesday you'll have to organise a babysitter. Don't get into the 'you always....you never.... kind of conversation.

If he won't do that you have a choice to make!

It seems to be that he's behaving this way because you're allowing him to.

thebig
I don't think its fair to blame the OP for her DH's behaviour.

He is behaving that way because he is being a selfish twat. It shouldn't be up to the OP to train her DH in how to behave like a reasonable responsible partner and parent. However, if she doesn't make a stand then his twattishness is going to continue so she needs to start taking time back for herself.

Before we get any further into the discussion.

Have you communicated your feelings to your dh yet?

I agree with dreamingbohemian.

If he does not agree to change things and be less selfish I would not be doing anything for him, no meals, no washing, nothing!

Chazs I'm not blaming anyone. It's just clear that he's continuing to behave that way because the OP isn't speaking up about it.

Like the saying goes "if you change nothing, nothing will change."

If the OP is unhappy, then she needs to speak up. Nothing to do with putting blame on her.

thebig
I understand what you are saying, it was the "you're allowing him too" comment that came over as critical. He is taking the piss and I am not convinced he will stop when something is said. Ultimately, it shouldn't be down to the OP to have to civilize a grown man.

Well by not speaking up the OP is allowing him to carry on behaving in that way.