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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not do half the travelling?

15 replies

tryingtobestonger · 07/07/2014 11:06

Long story short - exh and I lived in London. I have moved 3 1/2 hours away to be back with family since divorce a year ago. Exh a shift worker so supposed to have DD once a month for a weekend. There are weekends where I have taken her half way or all the way so contributed to the travel a number of times.

Exh told me last week he wants her this weekend. I have to work on Sunday so can't pick her up so my Mum will travel half an hour to meet them so drive not as long.

I have said on Friday I will drive 45 minutes with DD to meet him to drop her off. Ehx has now said that he 'needs' me to contribute more to the travelling and as this is not reasonable he now won't have her for the weekend.....

We had no agreement in our divorce about travel but my time is very precious when I don't have DD and he was very clear when we were divorcing that he could not support me so we could continue to live in London and that I would have to move somewhere cheaper. If I knew in advance the weekends he was going to have her I could make arrangements to visit friends in London or on the way to do more of the travelling but he doesn't and gives me limited notice by which point I have often made plans to do other things.

AIBU to not offer more?

OP posts:

SarcyMare · 07/07/2014 11:10

you are both being unreasonable.

PleaseJustShootMeNow · 07/07/2014 11:11

Sorry but I think YABU. I think you should do at least half, but really as the person who moved away, probably more.

MajorieDaws · 07/07/2014 11:13

You are both being idiots, grow up

FatewiththeLeadPiping · 07/07/2014 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

D0oinMeCleanin · 07/07/2014 11:20

How's OP being UR?

She moved to be close to family and to what she could afford. Not unreasonable. She meets him halfway and drops plans so that he can say his child at a moments notice. More than reasonable.

He, otoh, throws a hissy fit and refuses to see his daughter when OP cannot drop work to facilitate this. That is unreasonable.

OP, if he can't give you notice, he needs to do the traveling.

EarthWindFire · 07/07/2014 11:27

In cases that I have seen like this go to court, you would be expected to do half of the travelling.

RedPony · 07/07/2014 11:30

I don't think yabu. When you say he can't support you does this mean he is not paying any maintenance? If you have had to move somewhere cheaper then that's just tough luck if it's further away. If he us only seeing his DD once a month then why can't he travel all the way to get her especially as it means he will be spending more time with her on the journey.

If I were you op I would tell him you can't keep on doing all the travelling. (Unless he is paying towards her fairly then maybe it would be fair for you to do a bit)

FreudiansSlipper · 07/07/2014 11:32

so you had to move away because he was unable to support his child in the standard of living that she was used to

ok this happens but he seems to be still living in London

and once a month ffs he can not do this of course he should

does he contribute extra to you taking her to school everyday and all the other things that go along with being a parent

ADishBestEatenCold · 07/07/2014 11:36

You are being unreasonable to not do half of the return journey (so more than half when taking her on Friday ... maybe all of the mileage except the half hour's worth of mileage that your mum will be doing on Sunday).

If he did both ways on the Friday, so seven hours driving plus handover (or five and a half hours driving, if you are doing 45 minutes), then he might have to take half a day off work to accommodate that.

So half each would be reasonable.

Having said all that, it could help you both if you agreed a regular contact weekend that you could anticipate in advance. I understand that for you to do half the distance (so three and a half hours) at both the beginning and end of a once-a-month contact weekend eats into your limited free time, so perhaps you could agree a more frequent contact, while agreeing it's regularity ... say, every third weekend (if either you or he did not want to go for every other).

GingerBlondecat · 07/07/2014 11:37

What is his contribution to raising the child ?

ADishBestEatenCold · 07/07/2014 11:39

"She meets him halfway and drops plans so that he can say his child at a moments notice"

Ex telling OP last week about contact for next weekend is hardly a "moments notice", D0oinMeCleanin.

D0oinMeCleanin · 07/07/2014 11:42

It is if she gets her a month/fortnight in advance or has to give x amount of notice to arrange a Sunday off. I used to work every Sunday, unless I could make informal arrangements with other staff members, then I had to give 2 weeks notice to get the day off.

She is working on Sunday. Is she supposed to take the day off and pay for the petrol? So it costs her twice?

Birdsgottafly · 07/07/2014 11:46

"My time is very precious when I don't have DD""

Your DD time with her Dad is precious.

I'm supporting a similar situation, but Dad has residency.

Mum is struggling to support herself and find enough time to have enough quality contact to ensure her child grows up mentally well.

Attachment to your parents (or lack of) effects your long term MH.

Only you know the full circumstances, around the move, your Ex's financial/working needs and how much importance you are placing on your DD knowing her Dad.

Working with and having Mums who haven't got residency had given my a different POV.

Birdsgottafly · 07/07/2014 11:48

I agree that a Judge usually says that the Parent who moves does half the travelling.

Also having residency means that you have a responsibility to facilitate contact with the other Parent and wider family.

If he is being fair, obviously.

Original poster

tryingtobestonger · 07/07/2014 12:45

I have asked a number of times for his shift pattern (he gets this for the year in advance) so that I can see the weekends he gets a few days off in a row so I can keep these weekends free and facilitate doing more of the travel but he has still not shared this with me. The first year I moved away I had this information and did what I could. I have taken DD on the train to London a couple of times (and got back on the next one heading home again) I do need notice as the impact is not just on me but the people around me who agree to help out with DD if I need them to.

I feel he is throwing his toys out of the pram with this weekend specifically and saying that as I am not doing the travel he needs me to do it is my fault that DD will not see him.

He gives me the maintenance for DD that he has to (which is now less than CSA guidelines since the changes but it is enough for where we live now.) This would not have been enough for us to stay in London.

I do really feel I am trying to facilitate contact and want to be in a situation where we are friendly to each other and can negotiate but just feel he is taking the mick.

OP posts:

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