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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to limit contact with inlaws.

16 replies

northandsouth4 · 06/07/2014 23:10

Saw inlaws today and quite frankly I was so upset by the end of it.
Background. My parents are dead but dh is fortunate to have his parents.
Mil spent the day either cooking for us or cooing over sil dd who is 6mths. That and telling my 7 year old dd off who she has never really liked. My 7 and 9 year old were doing the usual sibling squabbles and both mil and sil took dd1 side.
Both mil and sil had digs at my parenting style. Not ap but but do cosleep and have natural term weaned. Not planned to but did it so I could cope with older two and work.
Meanwwhile dh, fil and bil had a lovely time sat on their arses whikst the women did all the childcare stuff.
I wasn't even offered a drink for 3 hours.
At one point I just took myself off and cried.
Aibu to limit contact.

OP posts:
Purplepoodle · 06/07/2014 23:26

I'd say your husband is the problem if he chose to sit on his backside instead of parenting

DoJo · 07/07/2014 00:48

I agree that your husband is just as much to blame as his parents - why didn't he stick up for you and your children? Why couldn't he have checked whether you had a drink? If spending time with them upsets you, then YANBU to bring it up with your husband, but I think he needs to step up and stop being lazy. He might be their child, but he has children of his own that he needs to take care of.

DoJo · 07/07/2014 00:48

I agree that your husband is just as much to blame as his parents - why didn't he stick up for you and your children? Why couldn't he have checked whether you had a drink? If spending time with them upsets you, then YANBU to bring it up with your husband, but I think he needs to step up and stop being lazy. He might be their child, but he has children of his own that he needs to take care of.

steff13 · 07/07/2014 01:05

Your husband should have helped out with the kids. But certainly you could have gotten up and gotten your own drink.

fifi669 · 07/07/2014 01:49

Ok so the men were useless. But you can get your own drink..... And you say MIL spent all day cooking for all of you, SIL had her own baby to take care of...

I think you're being a bit dramatic myself

Koothrapanties · 07/07/2014 08:13

I'm going to say this carefully because from the tone of your post you sound a bit down to be honest. I think you are being a little over the top about this and are aiming too much of it at your in-laws. I think you need to have a calm talk with your dh and explain what upset you during the visit and how he could support you more.

It sounds like it is the usual arrangement there that the women do the food/childcare and the men sit on their arses. Obviously that's not really on in this day and age, and it doesn't work for you, so you need to speak to your dh.

As for the criticism you felt of your parenting, you need to be more assertive. Respond with strong statements such as, "everybody has different approaches to parenting, but we a're happy with how we are doing that."

If you aren't offered a drink, you need to ask for one. Sorry you felt so upset, but I think you need to stand up for yourself a bit more and ask for what you need from your dh/in-laws.

monkeymamma · 07/07/2014 08:22

Hmmm, sounds like there is more to this than your op makes clear. Why would co-sleeping/extended bfeeding come into this at 7 and 9? Are your in laws still harping on about it? Or has seeing sil with a younger baby (and presumably not getting criticised) sort of dredged it all up for you?
The drinks thing is a bit of a red herring. I've reached an age where I'll just put the kettle on myself if tea and coffee are not forthcoming!

monkeymamma · 07/07/2014 08:24

Ah apologies I realise you have a younger dc. But it's not clear exactly what was said that upset you.

HappyAgainOneDay · 07/07/2014 08:24

It's rather a shame that you don't feel 'at home' enough to fetch a drink for yourself, especially as it's family. We often have guests and they help themselves to whatever they like from the drinks cabinet. They know where the glasses are and where the large rather than small wine glasses are. I'm glad they feel so calm and at ease at our house. If the MiL was cooking for at least eight people, surely it was the job of one of the men to host outside the kitchen or was the MiL expected to do that as well? Who got the drinks for the men? Did you help to lay the table or wash up? I would have thought that with your MiL cooking for that many, she could have done with some help. If you needed a drink, I expect that there are cups in the kitchen and a tap with cold water.

Idontseeanyicegiants · 07/07/2014 10:21

I have experienced exactly this from MIL and one of my SILS so I know something about how you must be feeling. I bet they're a fairly traditional family aren't they? I always likened mine to the Sugdens from Emmerdale, men sit cosily by the fire while the women buzz around making everything nice for them.
Sadly for them I'm very different and there seemed to be no end to the subtle ways of undermining everything I did for years, from my job to parenting, everything was scrutinised and commented on.
Then I realised that they were no better than me in any way! I started to stand my ground (DH didn't see for a long while what the issue was so I did it on my own), didn't even try to justify why I was doing what I did, just went along the 'because I'm doing it this way' route, started to put the kettle in when I walked through the door, had to get quite firm at times and yes I did pull back from them for a while and let DH take the DC's to visit on his own.
If I say that you have to toughen up a little I mean it kindly - you are as good as they are and you have to show them you're confident in your own skin. Some people will see a chink of uncertainty and rip into it, I know from 17 years experience!

Original poster
northandsouth4 · 07/07/2014 10:59

It was a simple lunch. Cheese rolls. I did the clearing up afterwards. Tbf no one had a drink with lunch. However, all the adults except me were offered one later. It may have been an oversight as I was probably chasing round after toddler at the time.
Toddler is under two who is still breastfed. Mil basically said you shouldn't still have that. I just ignored but now wish I had thought of a smart retort.
Yes, I do think dh was at fault too.

OP posts:
Original poster
northandsouth4 · 07/07/2014 11:01

Thank you for replies. I guess I am just feeling fragile at the moment. I am especially missing my mum right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
northandsouth4 · 07/07/2014 11:05

Sorry posted too soon. Seeing mil, sil and cousin together hurts as my mum never met my youngest. Mil also, I guess naturally, spends alot of time with sil and her dd.

OP posts:
Koothrapanties · 07/07/2014 13:51

Grief catches you at funny times op. Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 07/07/2014 15:26

I would be sitting down and talking to your dh. When drinks were given out, I would have said, where's mine?

Original poster
northandsouth4 · 07/07/2014 18:15

Thank you. It is not just anniversaries and mothers day etc.

OP posts:
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