AIBU to give up work and become a SAHM

[PoorDecisionMaker]

I probably ABI to be asking this question of a bunch of strangers, as only I can really make the decision! I do however need to get my thoughts down on paper - so why not here?!

DC1 is 3.5, DC2 1.5 and I've been back at work (part time) since my maternity leave ended in Nov.

DC1 will start nursery school in September - 5 mornings.

We are struggling to work out how to get her to nursery at the correct time on my working days, although almost have a plan which involves a combination of existing childminder, DH being available 1 day per week, friends helping out. A lot of variation, which I don't think is an ideal way to settle into "school" - and some unpredictability. I can see it getting very stressful for everyone.

Paying for childcare for 2 children at the moment is only very slightly less than my income. Hence, quitting work will not leave us significantly worse off (at least in the short term) - although I do still worry bit about how we will manage.

Hence, the only reason I have to carry on is to "keep my career". The job I am doing (I have been in this job for 7 years including 2 years of maternity leave, this field for about 10 years including 1 year doing an MSc). However, I don't think I want to do this job anymore - and certainly not until retirement. In which case, that isn't a very good reason to carry on!

If I quit, I will be able to take DC2 to nursery and to spend more time with both DCs. Hopefully life should be less stressful for us all.

I am worried that whatever decision I make now, there is a potential for me to regret it. I guess I need to make the decision that I will regret the least!!

I would hopefully find some sort of part time job (not in the field I am in now) once both children are at full time school.

Does anyone have any experience they'd like to share? Anyone successfully found a new career after a period as a SAHM?

We're going through similar conversations at the moment (although we haven't even had the baby yet!). The extra thing my very-boring-but-often-annoyingly-right-former-bank-manager father pointed out was that it's not just about the day-to-day expenses now. Can you afford your retirement? You'll be on your husband's pension plus whatever you have already paid in. We don't know what age we'll be when the state pension kicks in.

Sorry if that complicates things - it has done for us!!

If you quit your job would it be possible to start your retraining before your DC2 starts full time school, possibly in the evenings?

I am a total house cat and am the kind of person who can stand doing kidsy things all day without going mad so in your situation I think I would choose the SAHM option. I think those first years before school are really worth getting the most out of, too!

I think you need to make a strong plan to keep in place about what to do to return to work though. I know it's grim to think about, but the probably the worst case scenario would be if you quit work and then you and your OH had a relationship break down in a few years, because then it would become extremely hard financially/logistically for you to return to work without recent experience/qualifications to a job which is desirable to you. I hear this kind of thing happening to so many women who never expected it and it's horrible. I know this might seem unlikely, but do at least consider it.

I had a professional job and gave that up to be a SAHM. I love it! I love being there for my daughter, being able to drop her off, pick her up and deal with any other bits n bobs or illnesses without having to juggle a job too. No need to stress about rush hour, rushing to work or rushing to pick her up. If you can afford to do it, and you love doing kids stuff, then go for it!!!

I will have to go back to work at some point, and I do worry and stress about the idea of logistics etc but for now, I'm enjoying my time with her. I'm not sure what I want to do anymore, I've already done the high pressure job so might go for something a little slower paced. Good luck in whatever you choose to do, just make sure you never have regrets.

I don't think it's a good idea to expect friends to help with routine childcare pickups as part of your plans.

Hi, I was you a few years back, hung on to my job because I loved it and if I left it would be difficult to return. Probably slightly worse off after childcare etc. But thinking for the long haul.

2 years ago Dh was made redundant, luckily he found another job. It was overseas. I ended up giving up my job and we all moved. Became a stay at home mum for nearly 2 years and it was tough at times but I wouldn't swap it for anything! Having that time with my kids has been amazing.

I took a course last year when my youngest started school and have just found a lovely job which gives me flexibility to take time off during the school holidays. It wasn't the big plan and my income will never be brilliant ( long term we will probably have to live off 1 pension).

But my point is I am really happy and to be honest even with the best laid plans you never know what is around the corner.

Good luck in whatever you decide it will be the right decision for you.

can you take some sort of sabbatical and then at least you have a safety net?

Does anyone have any experience they'd like to share? Anyone successfully found a new career after a period as a SAHM?

You are proposing three years as a SAHM. It is not a particularly long period of time. Retraining will be even easier than simply 'returning' I suspect. Plus I am guessing you are early to mid thirties. It all sounds pretty optimal for a SAHMing break really

Gosh OP, are you me? Having the same dilemma here. Love my job, but it doesn't pay all that well and involves overseas travel about 5 times a year. DH is military with a terribly unpredictable schedule and has a salary over twice mine. Our lives are so stressful and it will only get worse after our DC starts school, and if we have more DC.

I worked so hard academically, have been in my industry for 8 years, have some amazing connections, international travel, and next year am looking at another promotion, and pay rise. But life is so bloody difficult and stressful sometimes and our DC is starting to get very upset when one or the other of us is away.

But anyway I think it sounds like you really want to do it! Maybe check details of finances on a spreadsheet. Can you get unpaid leave to trial it? Sabbatical?

I could have been a SAHM but chose not to be.

Financially at the time it would have been a marginal choice, however, in my field of work, being out of the game would have set me back 2/3 years for every one I wasn't working.

Quite frankly I think it's a really personal decision with 100's of variables. If only we had a crystal ball to view all visions of the future....

For what it may be worth I'm glad I "leaned in" as SS would say.

There is no way I would have the career I do now if I had not gone back to work (part time at first - 4 days a week so I could do school pick up twice a week - did 2 half days).

However, it wasn't easy and it was only possible because DH supported me 100% - at times the diary scheduling is just manic due to international travel requirements.

For my part I think I made the right call, but here's the thing...I can't see that alternate universe where I choose a different path.

So my advice is do what feels right for you as a person (as opposed to a mum) and two fingers to everyone else.

Your kids won't end up in a crappy place because you choose to work. They won't end up perfect because you stay at home. They will however be impacted by an unhappy mum.

Thanks everyone. I think we have reached a final decision, to leave work. Hopefully it will work out ok and we will all be happier. Good to read so much optimistic advice!