I genuinely need your verdict - relationship on rocks

[TennisKneeWilliams]

This going to be long and sound so trivial but it's pushed me right to the edge and I'm beginning to think I'm losing my mind.

On Friday I met DP in town for a lovely lunch. I then went to the school Summer Fair with DD and we got home about 4pm. I'm 37 weeks pregnant and having some minor but painful medical issues so was a bit knackered after the walking. I was looking forward to a takeaway and watching the World Cup with DP.

We have an almost 1 year old puppy. She is daft and great. Her latest naughty habit is to try and pinch toys from DD's room or from the bathroom and then scuttle to her rug and chew them to pieces. I was making beds on Friday afternoon when I heard her on the stairs. I checked on her and chased her back down. I didn't realise at the time but she'd nabbed a toy. By the time I realised it's face was gnawed off. This toy belonged to DP when he was a kid and was given back to DP by his (toxic NP) father on one of their rare visits back. DP gave it to DD without a fuss and she was nonplussed. It was an old cheap and pretty knackered looking thing. My point is that DP at no point made out that it was special or significant in any way. He doesn't prioritise stuff and FIL is always sending DD back with loads of tat that ends up sitting in the boot or shoved in a cupboard.

DP got home from work on Friday and said hello to us all. Then he picked up the teddy and started huffing and puffing and eventually stormed out of the room and upstairs.

I left him to it for over an hour but then got pissed off as we had nothing for dinner and the dog needed walking so I asked him if he planned to sulk like a giant manchild all night or if he could help with DD/the dog. By my own admission I wasn't pleasant but I was pretty miffed. I then walked to the shop to get something for DD's tea.

I stayed out of his way till he confronted me later. He basically accused me of being lazy (he has form for this - the house is always tidy, laundry always sorted), not watching the dog properly, giving the toy to the dog deliberately because I hate his father (he hates his father - his father is hideous). He called me a cunt and a bitch (again he has form) and told me to eat upstairs out of his way. He said it was all my fault and that I needed to accept responsibility.

The whole weekend has been ruined and today I've asked him to leave. He wants me to flagellate myself for something that was a genuine accident. He has laughed off other things getting "Daisyed" (devoured by the dog). Even 5 year old DD reacted more rationally when the dog got her Adventure Time figurine.

He won't budge. Says it's all my fault. I won't accept being wrong and that I was spoiling for a fight. I genuinely 100% wasn't.

I am unwilling to accept being verbally abused any more. It was an accident and I would have said sorry if he hadn't instantly acted like a pathetic manchild.

Is it me? Am I the evil psychopath he tries to make out?

No, it's not you. Hugs OP, my relationship is exactly the same and I don't know what to do about it. DH is a verbal abuser but I have a small DC and no other family support. I don't know if it's possible to get them to change.

Not you.
Calling you those names alone is enough justification to ask him to leave.

No, you are not an evil psychopath! He sounds like a sulky child. If the toy was so precious why did he give it to your DD? Sounds like he is using the toy chewing incident to get at you. How can a dog chewing a toy be your fault?

Can he go and stay somewhere elde to give you a chance to think clearly about how you want to proceed?

He calls his heavily pregnant partner a 'cunt' over a chewed toy?

What would your advice be to a friend or sister (or your DD in 20 yrs time) if their partner behaved like this?

I am so sorry to hear you have been treated like this and in your condition too! I really hope your DP apologises and maybe you could explain to him how he makes you feel at times like this one? Perhaps you could tell him this behaviour is not for you and makes you feel terrible! He may think twice another time if he stands to lose you?

I'm so sorry. Your partner sounds like a nasty piece. Any normal person would have laughed off such a trivial incident or at least acknowledged blame for not putting the treasured toy somewhere safe.

Are you going to take him back?

You don't have to put up with the behaviour.

Zara there is ways to help you as well. Benefits will sort out money but I would have a little stash before leaving as it can take a few weeks for benefits to be sorted.

There is always women's aid.

This doesn't sound trivial at all. In fact, it sounds incredibly worrying. Calling you names and telling you to eat upstairs, out of his way, is totally unacceptable. I'm wondering what else he has form for.

Is he still in the home? Are you and your dd safe?

And now I'm in tears .

I hate myself for ending up like this. I am an intelligent woman.

I have no job, no friends, my family are in another country. We're not married. He pays for everything and I have no access to money other than the £600 a month he puts in my account for groceries/clothes/everything else.

He is a great Dad and mostly a great partner. I know that will sound redundant but it is true. I'm not perfect. Just the other week I hit him in a fight when he forced the door open with his foot and I wanted to be alone .

I have told him to move out and that I will give birth on my own. A prospect that terrifies me but I honestly don't know what else to do. I know he will let me and DD stay in this house without any issue.

How have I ended up one of the posters I used to pity but couldn't identify with??

We're safe Ella. He would never do anything like that.

He had said he will go but that it's not fair/right.

I just need space. He has almost convinced me that I'm crazy .

I wouldn't accept that name calling in the heat of the moment, less still if he hasn't apologised a day later. YANBU.

I think that you need out of there.

I think he sounds toxic.

You should not be treated they way he is treating you (pregnant or not). How would you advise a friend in these circumstances? That's how you should act now.
He sounds horrible, you deserve better.

Your update about hitting him does make it sound as though you both have trouble communicating effectively without lashing out either physically or verbally (although that doesn't excuse his behaviour, especially given your hormonal and physically vulnerable state). Do you think counselling could help? Do you think there's enough love and willingness to change in both of you to make things work if you are both prepared to make the effort?

I don't know DoJo.

He gaslights me. He immediately changes the narrative of the events that have just happened and says I remember them wrong.

He decides that I have chosen to orchestrate fights and then says I'm denying it. He decides what my motivation is for "causing" everything and then repeats it back to me as if trying to convince me that I and only I am solely responsible.

And yes when faced with this blatant lying and manipulation I have reacted badly and lashed out.

I don't even know if he is aware he does it.

This relationship doesn't sound healthy for either of you. From the sounds of it he is being verbally and emotionally abusive, and possibly financially. You have brought violence into the relationship on top of this.

His behaviour towards you has been unforgivable and in turn your behaviour towards him has been unforgivable. I think the relationship sounds toxic with both of you behaving in a way which is not conducive to a happy, loving and secure relationship. I don't think that he is right to be making you out to be an evil psychopath (certainly the dog toy incident sounds like an accident) but I don't think you should minimise the fact you have physically hit him either - that to me would be the flashing red flag saying that your relationship is no longer working.

I think one of you leaving the home would be the right thing to do. Maybe with marriage counselling things could get better but it sounds like you need some time apart to reflect on whether there is anything in this relationship worth salvaging or whether things have gone beyond forgiveness. Do you think either of you would be able to change your behaviour towards the other?

In which case it doesn't sound like he is willing to accept any responsibility for the discord in your marriage. What do you think his reaction would be if you told him you thought you should end your relationship? Would be be upset or angry? Would he want to make things right, or blame you for leaving? Do you think you could put things in place to leave if that's what you decide to do?
It sounds as though you know that things aren't right, but haven't yet accepted that slitting might be the only way to resolve it. Has his behaviour changed recently, or do think it has always been this way to a certain extent, but possibly getting worse as he realises that he is actually getting his own way more often than not?