To shout at my son?

[NannyQuestions]

DS1 is 3.5. He is a lovely, loving little boy and generally not very hard work. Like all children of his age, he has some challenging behaviours. He goes through phases of contradicting me all the time, not cooperating, and getting cross unreasonably when his desires are thwarted. He has a baby brother who is 9 months.

My problem is not his behaviour but mine. Every now and again I get cross and shout at him - not for long stretches, but just a few shouty words when he has pushed me more than usual. Normally I try to meet difficult behaviours calmly - set boundaries, enforce consequences, use calm voice. But some times I just seem to lose control of this and shout. It usually makes him cry - in an angry way, not a scared way, if that makes sense. But it definitely affects him. Tonight at bed time he said to me: you don't love me very much mummy, and when I said yes I do, he said no, you shout at me and call me names. (I never call him names - but this morning I shouted at him to shut up when he had been whining and shouting at me.)

This has only happened since his brother was born. DS1's behaviour is the trigger, but it happens because I am tired and up in the night all the time, and generally a bit frazzled.

So, AIBU? Does everyone do this from time to time, or am I an unusually shouty witch? I do explain afterwards why I have shouted, and apologise if necessary, and tell him I love him lots even when I'm cross etc. It probably happens about once a week, usually when I am stressed about something else.

All sounds perfectly normal to me, is so hard having little ones and coping with being exhausted most of the time .. I know what you mean tho it does make you feel guilty when you get cross doesn't it!? I often apologise when this happens and say 'mummy shouldn't have shouted' but explain why. On days that have been particularly stressful I try and make sure that he goes to bed filled with how special and loved he is. UANBU

I don't think there's a parent in the world who hasn't, at some point, shouted. But as parenting techniques go, it's not one that works - are you getting any help at all? How bad is the sleep deprivation?

I do it, and then hate myself for it (and imagine writing about it on here and just picturing the reaction I'd probably get makes me feel guilty enough!).

I don't think anyone is the type of parent they want to be all the time.

I too apologise to my child for getting angry with her and explain the things that made me cross. I say I love you (because I really do) I try not to blame, eg 'you did this and it made me angry so I shouted'. I know all the theory about staying in control and keeping calm, but, ... shit.
They sure know how to push your buttons, don't they? It's the smirk on the face where they know that what they're saying is having an effect on you.

There's an episode of The Simpsons where Manjula says to Apu something like "It won't be easy, but nothing worth doing ever is"

well apparently I have been 'howling like a fishwife' at my ds this evening. But he is 15. But i am pretty sure we all do this at some point so i would not worry.

It sounds normal to me. I am envious of friends who seem to survive without shouting. But I know what you mean about feeling bad that you shouted. This is helpful because you know it would be better if you didn't shout. When you are less tired you will be more patient and manage to shout less. (I have not yet reached this point and still shout too much...)

At about 3.5 my DS shouted back to me "you are the horriblest, shoutiest Mummy in the world!" which made me feel awful. At 5.5 he now says "I love you Mummy, even when you have been shouting". Don't know if that is progress.

One last thought. I have never managed to feel ok after having DD (age 3.5) - shouting and being angry and not coping with life were some of my symptoms of PND. I am not saying you have PND - but it has taken 4 years for me to get help and I wish I had spoken to someone sooner. If you feel hopeless, see your GP - they can help.

You know it isn't the best thing to do, but you're human! It happens! Do apologize and admit you shouldn't have, and reassure him you love him very much.

Perhaps you can tweak the way you deal with his acting up, to minimize your own stress? Redirection can be useful, even something pointless like, "DS, can you go find your stuffed bear for me? I forget what color his fur is, show me." Might not be particularly helpful if he's in a full on emotional tantrum, but if you're trying to deal with baby and DS1 starts whining, it can work as a quick diffuser.

Oh gosh, I shout lots, we're none of us perfect parents. dd and ds both know they are very, very loved but mummy gets cross when they don't listen/empty the bath water all over the floor/hit each other on the head with toys/scoot in the house etc. On the other hand I give the best snuggles, make a delicious banana bread, and always take time off work to go to school sports days/shows/open afternoons etc. Swings and roundabouts.

I too shout, probably about once a day!
Sometimes I regret it, if its been a particularly cross shout and I feel like I was loosing control of my anger.
At other times I am perfectly calm just raising my voice for effect. I am mostly very calm and quiet voiced.
Used sparingly it can be quite effective.

When I occasionally shout out of real temper then I feel awful after. Sometimes they just push all your buttons at once!

I shouted the other day because my DS wouldn't stop tipping out a bucket of small toys that I'd tidied away. I asked if he still wanted them all out, he said no. So I tidied them up... He tipped them out... Get the jist?
Eventually I tipped them all out and said 'oh for goodness sake, have the bloody things' - I felt so guilty. :-( I realised that there was no point in getting in a tizz but I couldn't help it! We are all human.

It is very difficult with sleep deprivation but it is not ideal for such a young child. I have a 7 year old and a 3 year old and it was quite tough at that age with a young child and a baby but I would feel I've crossed a line shouting at my 3 year old to 'shut up'. I have said this to DS when he was 5 and felt terrible. However, it is difficult to think straight when sleep deprived.

Do you feel the rising anger before you shout? If so then try and recognise it before it happens and walk away.

3.5 is quite young - the oldest seems older as you have a baby now but he's little. He's still impulsive and not quite avke to always control himself.

You are the adult and need to find ways of staying calm.

I feel your pain - god I was a horrible shouty mum when I had a baby and 2/3/4 year old. I still get shouty now but am better at staying calm. Today I locked myself away while ds battered the door.

He tells me that my shouting scares him - this I have in the back of my mind and try and stay calm.

I don't think there's a parent alive who hasn't raised their voice at least once.

I used to shout at the dc, much more than I do now. When they were around 1 and 3. Sounds horrible but it's true, and on one occasion, yes, I did shout at them to 'shut up'.

They're 4 and 6 now and I rarely shout. It's hard having two such littlies and I think my shouting was just a sign of how hard I was finding it.

It does get easier though!

Thank you everyone for replying. It is such a relief to know j am not the only person who does this, but I feel I did cross a line by telling him to shut up. Normally the sleep deprivation is not too bad, but last night I was up quite a bit with the baby and probably managed five or six broken hours. I don't think this is pnd - I am basically fine, but sometimes I feel like I just can't take any more of being grumbled at. I know you can't expect your children to feel grateful for what you do (not at three years old anyway), but sometimes I wish he would just give me a break! He's been on edge all day and I think my shouting is why. I usually can feel the rising anger so I need to work on identifying this and stepping back.

I was brought up in a household where expressing anger was just not on - it was seen as a sign of being a bully or out of control. So I think I struggle to be angry in appropriate ways, if that makes sense, and I feel very guilty afterwards.

Thank you, everyone.

I'm another one who thinks we all do it at some point. 97% of the time (being generous here, but my son has been an angel today!) I am a tinkly, sing-song mummy who KNOWS that I get a better response when I am calm and keep it together. And then every so often I am tired, feeling a bit under the weather, sick of repeating myself and being ignored or (recently) actually physically injured by something my son does and I lose it for a few moments.

We do have this book: www.amazon.co.uk/I-Love-You-Little-Monkey/dp/0689874820

which we talk about in these situations. Basically the little monkey is naughty, the big monkey shouts and then they talk about how the big monkey loves the little monkey always, even when he's naughty and they both apologise at the end. It's super cheesy, but I find it helps to have that to refer to when we are talking about it as he knows the story off by heart, knows that they always have a cuddle in the end and he was the one who pointed out the fact that he was like the little monkey and we were the big monkeys!