To think that when someone keeps trying to do you 'favours' all the time it's because they want something from you in return?

[doofreywotsit]

DD1 (15) has become friends in the past year with a girl from school of the same age.

I vaguely know the girl's mum, but she is always over-keen to offer favours and to offer to do things for DD even though I have not asked for or expected this, however she then suddenly expects me to dance to her tune whenever she wants a favour in return.

It is things such as DD will go round their house for a couple of hours, and will come back and say that she has had a full Sunday roast whilst she was round there. Consequently when the girl comes round here, her mum expects her to be fed, even if it's not a meal time. She popped round one evening last week after we'd had our tea, and went home at about 8 o'clock. Her mum then sent me a text saying was it true that I hadn't given her DD any tea. She seemed quite stroppy, as if she expects her DD to be fed a huge meal as she's done it for my DD.

DD has stayed at their house a couple of times overnight, always at their invitation, and certainly not requested by me. The mum then text me today and asked if I'd have her DD overnight tonight. Her DD is quite badly behaved and isn't the easiest child, and DH has got a bad headache today, plus we are going out for the day tomorrow and leaving early, and to be honest it just isn't convenient tonight. I've just now had another text from the mum saying basically that they have had DD "loads of times" and she can't go out overnight now as she has no one to have her DD.

I have also had this in the past before when a mum of one of DD2's friends wanted to do favours for DD2 and I all the time, then got the hump when I wouldn't do as she said in return.

If I do something for someone, I do it because I want to, not because I expect something in return.

You don't have to take her up on these things, you know.

You could have told DD to come home for dinner. You don't have to let her stay over.

You say you've had it before with another DD.

It does sound, to me anyway, that you're willing to take but not give.

I bloody hate sleepovers. But I have them because other people do.

Walter;on the occasion that DD was given dinner, I had told her to come home for dinner. She just turned up at home and announced that she'd eaten.

I don't take, and I do give, and do things for other people, and have sleepovers etc, however I prefer to do these things at a mutually convenient time and not have it sprung upon me at short notice and have it taken for granted that I will do it.

Plus as I said, her DD is badly behaved and hard work.

Your DD is actually the bigger issue - if she didn't accept meals and stuff the other mum probably wouldn't be asking you...

Well I do think it's fair enough that you don't want to be dictated to about when these favours are returned. If you do 'pull your weight' for want of a better phrase then YADNBU.

It just sounded in your OP like you haven't returned it at all.

Also, how is a 15 year old badly behaved?

Surely you just feed them and then they get out of your hair at that age?!

*the 15 year old, not a 15 year old. Sorry.

She is very untrustworthy and regularly shoplifts. On one occasion she came round here and took some items home, and I had to go to her house to get them back. She said she accidently put them in her bag, but they were things like an expensive lipstick of mine.

She also does very silly things; she won't come here and just go to sleep at bedtime, she'll be up and down all night mucking around, putting the tv on, music on, and just being annoying.

I had a similar situation with one of dd1's friends but this was when they were about 5 or so. ime, once you cease to be useful to her, she'll back off and leave you alone. Turning down the request for her dd to sleepover at yours is a good move, she'll be hacked off, will stop having your dd over and you're released from your 'obligation'.

So you're happy with your dd friends with a shoplifter? Why are you even entertaining her in your home then?

No I'm not happy but I can't exactly choose a 15 year old's friends for her can I?!

I ask myself this question ALL the time.

I don't know the answer though.

Was that helpful?

You can't choose her friends but you can stop the sleepovers and meals.

If I specifically told my ds/dd to come home for a meal and then they sauntered in having totally disregarded my instructions without even letting me know, they'd be punished!

You could always refuse to reciprocate and then probably the other mother would stop doing stuff for your daughter and the problem would resolve itself. I mean, if you think that she is only doing stuff so that you will do stuff.

Well I don't think you are being unreasonable OP. I presume you don't need your DD to eat at her friend's house or stay there. It's probably not for your DD's benefit at all but probably to entertain the friend. Just be really clear if your DD asks if her friend can come over, 'yes DD but we'll have already eaten by then so there'll just be snacks on offer'.

I think the other mum is being really cheeky. And rude!

YADNBU and shouldn't be under any obligation to her. She sounds very demanding and aggressive.

I would make it clear to DD that she's not to accept meals or anything which could be viewed as an imposition when she goes over.

YANBU, she's trying to manipulate you into doing what she says, and what a cheeky fuck to try and take you to task for not feeding her DD!

You can't micromanage a 15 YO like you would a 5 YO, if your DD is kindly offered something to eat the fact that the mum is setting up so she can manipulate you whenever she wants isn't going to go through her mind, only whether she's hungry or not.

She's definitely old enough to decide that on her own.

I would just brush off her crappy texts without rising to it, what's she going to fucking do??

YANBU. Reciprocate when it's suitable for you. I wouldn't fancy DC's friends for a sleepover without some proper warning.

I have a 13 and a 15 year old and they organise their own social lives. dd is going camping with a friend's family this week, which is lovely. We've only had the friend to ours a few times as she lives a fair way away, and we're not planning to have her to stay for a reciprocal amount of time because it's not some sort of mutual favour system (besides which at 15 aren't they beyond that sort of thing?). I don't really know her parents at all, although they seem very nice. dd's friend is an only child and her parents are much more 'indulgent' than we are (I don't see this as a problem in any way it's just different)

We feed dd's friends if they are here and we are at an eating a meal sort of time and not when its not. If we don't like a friend then we say that she/he is not welcome and we might well say no meet ups either, but I think we are probably reaching the border line where that's not possible.

I would be seriously unhappy about being guilted in the way that the OP has, and would be discouraging the friendship even more than I already would have done so (after the lipstick thing she would have not been allowed in the house I think).

YANBU. People who give to receive drive me bonkers. The mum sounds like a right card.