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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know if I should trust him?

19 replies

Kaley8 · 05/07/2014 01:02

I've name changed but I'm a regular poster.

My DP and I have been together for 12 years and have 2 children. We do have troubles like anyone else but we have always been happy and I love our life together. Earlier this week he complained of an embarrassing problem and subsequently refused to go to the doctor. I eventually dragged him there and went in the the GP's office with him where he showed her some sores he has under his foreskin. She said that she appreciated it was awkward but that to her it looked like an STI. My DP said that it was impossible and it must be something else and the GP asked me if I thought it could be possible and had i been with anyone else and I said no. (Completely embarrassed). She said he should go to a clinic and have some swabs and if it happened that it wasn't that (but she felt fairly certain that's what it was) then they would refer him further.

We fought in the car with him saying that my silence was me not trusting him. I said I did but that I had felt humiliated and just would prefer him to hurry up and sort out a clinic appointment so we could put an end to it.

Our relationship is kind of sexless at the moment. I feel quite low and my confidence has taken a knock after the birth of our second child. We hardly ever go out and I know I've been hard to live with recently so the idea that he would be with someone else wouldn't be so far fetched. Except until today I would never have even thought about it. If you knew us you would probably laugh at me thinking he would cheat, but a GP confidently says STI it's hard not to feel like I've got some bad news coming my way.

OP posts:

2Retts · 05/07/2014 01:11

It could be all sorts of things Kaley8.

Google the term 'sores-under-foreskin' and have a look at the possibilities. Some are STIs but there are explanations which do not involve STIs. Perhaps explore the images available and see if there is something there which looks familiar to your DP's problem.

To be frank, the GP has probably seen it all but it depends on how experienced they are.

In the meantime, get the clinic checks done and be grateful for a 'kind of sexless' sex life at the moment (but if not completely sexless, get yourself checked out too).

BrevilleTron · 05/07/2014 01:15

If you can't think of any proof he has cheated would you consider giving him the benefit of the doubt? Some sti's can lay dormant with few outbreaks. If the immune system is compromised with stress it can trigger an outbreak. Did the doc specify which strain of STI it was?

Original poster

Kaley8 · 05/07/2014 01:18

She didn't specify exactly, she just said they see a lot of chlamydia and are even seeing more syphilis lately, so I suppose she meant one of those.

This is like a bloody joke.

OP posts:

2Retts · 05/07/2014 01:21

Just get the proper checks for both of you and then you can get the treatment you need. Take it from there OP...one thing at a time. Hope it's nothing sinister.

AgentZigzag · 05/07/2014 01:22

I would trust him until I was given/could ferret out any evidence not to.

Even if you're going through a bad patch at the min that doesn't necessarily mean he's off looking elsewhere. Does he have the time/opportunity to be off with anyone else? Can you look at his phone/computer history?

The doctor could be wrong, I would cross the bridge of LTB until after he gets the results back from testing.

I can't believe you went into the consultation with him though! WTF??

Jelliebabe2 · 05/07/2014 01:25

Sores there could be anything not just std! !y hubby suffers with his winky poor pet!

lettertoherms · 05/07/2014 01:27

Wait to make your judgement until after you go to the clinic. You may want tests yourself then too, rather than waiting for the result - many STIs often don't show symptoms in women, so if it turns out to be something, you'd get it treated asap.

But it might be something else. You have a right to not trust him fully in this situation until you know.

2Retts · 05/07/2014 01:59

Agent, wouldn't you have wanted to have accompanied him into the consultation if he'd refused to make the appointment? I'm willing to bet the OP didn't reckon on her own fidelity being questioned by said GP though.

AgentZigzag · 05/07/2014 02:04

I had an image of the OP leading him by the hand into the doctors office while he sulkily trailed after

If he wouldn't go for the appointment that'd tell me pretty much all I'd need to know, ie that he didn't want us to be together.

I would want to see the all clear letter (if such a thing exists) from the clap clinic, but going into the docs office is just a step too far IMO. I can't believe he agreed to it!

2Retts · 05/07/2014 03:21

I'm willing to bet they're both a bit bewildered and it's going to turn out to be something irreproachable (I may be wrong).

Loving the imagery though AZZ

MammaTJ · 05/07/2014 05:47

The Dr once said my exH had an STI and tested him, insisted I go get checked. This lead to him being insistent I had cheated to give it to him and me being insistent he must have cheated to get it.

By the time I managed to go to my appointment to get checked, his test results had come through and they were all negative, so they didn't even test me.

CanadianJohn · 05/07/2014 05:58

It seems to me that, if he suspected he had contracted an STI, he would have gone to the doctor by himself.

afterthought · 05/07/2014 06:01

If it is an STI, it could be something like genital herpes - that can lie dormant for years before the first outbreak, and between subsequent outbreaks.

Joysmum · 05/07/2014 07:43

I went fucking mad when my DH told me years ago that his GP had told him he'd caught thrush from me.

I didn't have thrush and to be told I was the problem made me very angry.

We found out after that that DH had type 2 diabetes.

Joysmum · 05/07/2014 07:44

...sorry posted too soon.

Point is, GP's just have an overview. Get him to the clinic as they are the experts.

heavenstobetsy · 05/07/2014 07:48

If your husband was even remotely worried that he'd caught and STI whilst cheating I think it's extraordinarily unlikely he'd have taken you in to the doctor with him so his infidelity would be exposed!!

I'd be giving him the benefit of the doubt until the test results came back

catgirl1976 · 05/07/2014 09:15

Hmmm

DSis once rang me in hysterics as she had been to her GP about some sores on her fanjo and he had told her in no uncertain terms if was Herpes.

It turned out not to be.

So they can be wrong and it could be something else altogether.

However, if it turns out to be an STI you need to get your DH to have a very open conversation with you. It may well mean he has cheated. It may been something that has lain dormant for years (though 12 years seems a long time). If it is an STI then the trust is going to be severely damaged and you have a lot of talking to do

Good luck

Flossyfloof · 05/07/2014 09:39

Hhhmmmm, let's think about this. He has had an illicit shag and has sores on his willy. He tells you about the sores and shows you and allows you to come with him to the GP so that the GP can suggest, in front of you, an STI. Does that sound reasonable? I am pretty sure that if my partner had done something which may have resulted in an STI he wouldn't be taking me along with him for the results!
Mind you a few months ago he had a bit of a sore and actually asked me if I needed to tell him something! Cheeky bugger. It went away all on its own, I think, but it certainly wasn't anything to so with me!
OP, I really wouldn't worry.

CarbeDiem · 05/07/2014 10:11

I think if he had a reason to believe that he has an STD then he'd of sneaked off to the GP/clinic himself and not told you, certainly not shown you.
I understand why you feel the way you do but try to wait for the results.

A while back I had something I originally thought was thrush. My then dp and I had been apart for a few weeks before deciding to get back together. So when this 'thrush' began to get worse I thought (panicked) I had an STD and accused him as I knew I hadn't slept with anyone else. He was adamant that he hadn't neither but my distrust took over.

A visit to the clinic showed I had BV (Dh was also tested at my insistence). I'd forgotten that a few days before my symptoms started DH had nicked my vagina with his finger nail - I felt it at the time but it didn't hurt so it didn't stick in my mind until speaking with the Dr, she confirmed that's what would have caused it. I apologised lots to Dh over the next few days but he admitted he would probably have reacted the same way.

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