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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if this was abuse?

23 replies

YANAgurl1973 · 04/07/2014 19:16

I'm now 41 and this happened to me between the age of 13/14.

My friend at the time lived 4 doors away and when I used to go to knock for her,her dad would eagerly help me with my coat,each time groping my chest. He also left notes in my pocket saying he loved me. My brother was friends with her brother so he'd often send my brother to tell me V wanted me to go over and more often than not,she'd be in bed or out. He would send me up to her bedroom to see her but would make me go into his bedroom and French kiss me. With everything going on at the mo with everything news wise,I don't know if I should finally report this? I have kind of been putting this to the back of my mind all these years,sometimes something would trigger me remembering and would result in panic attacks and I'm pretty sure,my depression. There where rumours around at the time in our neighbourhood that he was a bit of a perv.

I'm sure he did the same thing to my neighbour too. I'm friends with her on Facebook and was thinking of asking her but again,not sure if it's the best thing to do.

The main thing which concerns me is that the daughter now has a daughter of her own and I worry about her :(

Really don't know what to do. Thank you for reading xx

OP posts:

lettertoherms · 04/07/2014 19:21

I have no practical advice for you but yes, this was abuse. I'm sorry it happened to you.

Littleen · 04/07/2014 19:25

Do ask your other neighbour and do report it. Sorry you were abused:(

thornrose · 04/07/2014 19:27

It undoubtedly was abuse.

Waltermittythesequel · 04/07/2014 19:28

Yes, you were abused.

I'm so very sorry.

If you can find the strength to report please do.

Would you consider talking to someone about this all? Now that you've named it, it can bring about a whole raft of feelings that can take you by surprise.

FunkyBoldRibena · 04/07/2014 19:29

Yes and yes - please do ask your neighbour if it happened to her too.

Goldmandra · 04/07/2014 19:47

Yes it was abuse and his granddaughter is at risk if he has access to her.

Please find a way to report this and possibly prevent her or others going through the same thing.

Don't approach your neighbour about it. Just let the police know your suspicions and leave them to deal with it.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Fullpleatherjacket · 04/07/2014 19:50

I'm so sorry this happened.

It was abuse.

You are right to worry about the GD. I hope you can find the strength to report.

Original poster

YANAgurl1973 · 04/07/2014 19:53

Thank you everyone. Yes my partner and parents know. Another thing that upset me is that when I married,they wanted to invite tem to the wedding. I told them what he did but I don't think they believed me,or wanted to believe me. I'm still confused even after all this time. They still tell me each Christmas that they have received a Christmas card from them. They never tell me about receiving cards from anyone else,just this family.. :(

OP posts:

vicmackie · 04/07/2014 19:55

Jesus Christ, YES, that was abuse. So sorry OP. If you feel able, you might be able to log it with the police without actually formally reporting it - I don't know if that's possible but maybe you could approach the police and ask about your options? Fucking awful, revolting man. I'm so sorry.

fifi669 · 04/07/2014 20:00

Def abuse. If report it and with that say you have a feeling you weren't the only one and name anyone else you feel may have been at risk.

Mmmbacon · 04/07/2014 20:03

Definately abuse, please go to police, tell police about possible other victim but don't directly contact victim,

I'm sorry you went through this,

GirlOverboard · 04/07/2014 20:25

Please go to the police. It's possible other people have made allegations and so he might already be on their radar.

But I think contacting the other girl on Facebook would be a bad idea. It would be best to get advice from the police before doing anything like that.

Waltermittythesequel · 04/07/2014 20:52

This could be just my own experience but sadly I don't think your parents' behaviour is all that unusual.

My parents are wonderful but with my uncle (through marriage) they fawned over him even after they were told!

And even when he divorced my aunt they waxed lyrical about how badly she'd treated him, kept in touch when him and offered him 100% of their support. I don't know if it's because they don't want to believe it as it's too horrifying?

ithoughtofitfirst · 04/07/2014 21:02

Oh God I didn't want to read and not post something supportive.

I don't really know what to say other than sorry that this happened to you Xx

Original poster

YANAgurl1973 · 04/07/2014 21:07

Thanks again for your words. I really do want to make a report but am worried about it

OP posts:

AlfAlf · 04/07/2014 21:16

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I can see how you'd feel apprehensive about reporting it, but it really would be for the best. How old is your old friend's daughter?

Original poster

YANAgurl1973 · 04/07/2014 22:54

I'm guessing she's about 10/11

OP posts:

MajesticWhine · 04/07/2014 23:01

Are you aware of NAPAC? napac.co.uk
This organisation is for adults who were abused in childhood. They have a helpline, so you could talk about it confidentially and get some advice.

usualnamechanger · 04/07/2014 23:22

Another one here who is sadly not surprised by your parent's behaviour. I have never thought of it that way Walter and thank you for your explanation, it does make 'sense' but at the same time it just means they are being selfish, the OP experienced abuse and they are covering their own arse/protecting THEIR feeling and not the OP's.

I am sorry this happened to you OP.

Original poster

YANAgurl1973 · 04/07/2014 23:40

Thanks again.thank you majesticwhine for the link. I will keep you posted cx

OP posts:

Waltermittythesequel · 04/07/2014 23:42

usual I totally agree and I hope I never put my own selfish needs ahead of my children's as these parents do.

LondonRocks · 04/07/2014 23:45

Yes, that was abuse.

I second NAPAC - it's a useful site.

Apparently some parents can't compute what happened - they just cannot cope. So they go into denial. This from a psychotherapist.

I'm sorry you've been through this. All power to you to report it, if you are able to.

Goldmandra · 05/07/2014 10:44

I had some very narrow escapes as a child. What actually happened was bordering on abusive and I think it was only luck that prevented it from going any further.

When I told my parents years later they brushed it off and now refuse to discuss the matter. I think this is because, if they admit what happened, they will have to admit to themselves that they put me in that position and ignored my protests, i.e. they let me down very badly.

It's much easier for them to believe that I misinterpreted his behaviour or have remembered it incorrectly.

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