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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be pleased DP is on holiday next week?

45 replies

unlucky83 · 04/07/2014 14:24

Bit of a saga -but was a bit disorganised this year...in Scotland so children have been on holiday for a week already and much cheaper to go in the first two weeks before the English holidays start.
So 3 weeks before I asked DP to put in a holiday request for this week and next week (he works weekends but holiday week runs from Mon - and holiday lets usually run from a Sat -so he needs 2 weeks if we want to do something like that)
He wasn't very happy - a big company and they are supposed to give 4 weeks notice etc - caused an argument. I thought no harm in asking, he thought it was embarrassing... Anyway his request was turned down - for the whole period - with too short notice scrawled over it and they put a reminder notice up for all the staff. He felt humiliated. (But then he is overly sensitive about stuff like that)
Fine - decided we would go overseas in Oct half term (Dcs have two weeks and we would have time to sort passports etc out too).
He has just come home today - he has just seen the rota - he is on holiday for a week from next Mon -isn't that fantastic!

He can't understand why I'm not overjoyed...
(apart from the fact unexpectedly I can't go anywhere for health reasons at the moment - only a day ago I thought it was lucky we hadn't booked a holiday)
it is Mon - Sun - so we couldn't book a caravan/cottage/anywhere really for a week
I'll be lucky to get a space in a cattery at such short notice...
And if he takes this week he thinks he will only be able to take a week in Oct - so again will find Sat- Sat - or even Tue-Tue etc difficult.
I've said he should tell them he doesn't want it - it is pointless - he said he thinks his boss is trying to do him a favour...so he really has to take it Hmm
(I don't think they are - and what is revealing is no- one he works with directly is on holiday this week or next week - seems it was refused purely on principle - next week would have been 4 weeks notice - if they hadn't turned the whole thing down!)...
We have just had another argument about it - DP thinks I'm being unreasonable ...but I don't think I am...
An employer can't give someone 3 days notice for a weeks holiday - especially when they want 4 weeks minimum...

OP posts:
twizzleship · 05/07/2014 00:50

I'll be lucky to get a space in a cattery at such short notice... yet you expected his employers to go against company policy and disrupt others working pattern/roles to arrange cover at short notice for a non-emergency situation?

Anyway his request was turned down - for the whole period - with too short notice scrawled over it and they put a reminder notice up for all the staff. He felt humiliated. (But then he is overly sensitive about stuff like that)
wow! what a considerate and understanding partner you are Hmm i think most people would feel embarassed or humiliated if that happened to them (it doesn't matter if his colleagues were not aware of it, doubly humiliating if they were). i bet you would too if you were in his shoes.....

An employer can't give someone 3 days notice for a weeks holiday - especially when they want 4 weeks minimum.. No, maybe not but what you're refusing to appreciate/acknowledge is that you were quite willing to NOT play by the rules AND that they are being decent and trying to accomodate his request.

he can decline the offer and re-book for october but given how this has all played out and his feelings about it i can understand why he is reluctant to go back to his boss about this, he's going to come across as someone who is unappreciative and just likes messing people about-NOT the kind of reputation one would want for themselves at their place of work.

you sound very ME! ME! ME! IT'S ALL ABOUT ME! And yes, you are definitely unreasonable.

Original poster
unlucky83 · 05/07/2014 10:09

twizzle I'm finding this so illuminating - I really wouldn't be humiliated...no harm in asking they can only say no and all that...Confused

I've managed and employed staff... actually done the same job as his immediate boss but for a team of 10 rather than 30 in this case (so has DP but for an even smaller team).
I'm guessing the request goes through HR first to allow them to check holiday allowances etc so they don't go over then onto his immediate boss - why they want the 4 weeks...so the blanket refusal. The actual staffing levels are maintained by his immediate boss - he could then say no.
If a good, reliable, valued employee of mine - who had never done anything like it before and was always willing to help out and be flexible - had discreetly come to me and explained the situation I would have done my very best to accommodate it...as a one off.
But DP didn't ask - just filled in the form and sent it in - if he had actually spoken to his boss (I'm guessing his boss has only just found out )... but he wouldn't - which is why I'm cross with DP.

OP posts:
Original poster
unlucky83 · 05/07/2014 10:13

And just taking holiday with any level of notice is going to potentially disrupt others working patterns...Hmm.

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 05/07/2014 10:33

It sounds like his work are a bit arsey about the whole booking holidays thing, so if I was your DP I'd also be a bit reluctant to ask to change it again at this stage . Just have a week off at home watching crap telly and going for days out. Be more organised next year do it doesn't happen again.

(Mind you, I think holidays are overrated anyway , much prefer my own house Grin)

PumpkinPie2013 · 05/07/2014 10:51

I think you both should have planned the holiday better well in advance tbh.

Me and DH are both teachers in England but work in a college so finish two weeks before all the schools. As ds is only 7 months old we are free to go as soon as we finish work to take advantage of cheaper prices and things being quieter.

We are holidaying in the UK and I booked in January!

By the time I went on the website again in march to look at things to do the cottage was fully booked from May to September! !

Not saying nowhere will have spaces at short notice but it is unlikely Sad

It's unfortunate but I would make the best of the family time you have.

Go out for lunch/dinner, day trips, local walks with picnic, park with picnic, any local attractions, swimming and some time just relaxing at home.

I know it isn't exactly what you wanted but it could be a nice week and probably cheaper than going away.

slartybartfast · 05/07/2014 10:59

perhaps there is even a cock up and the Rota will have to be rewritten?

can he not get october off?

can he not turn down next week, explain how you want october now as his holiday was intially refused.?

yanbu i dont blame you, not his fault by the sounds of it though. but he has been embarrassed and humiliated so understandably doesnt want ot go bac to change his holidays.
ytou will have to make the best of a bad job imo.

NotNewButNameChanged · 05/07/2014 11:04

I feel sorry for your DH

Original poster
unlucky83 · 05/07/2014 11:40

Agree Notnew Hmm
Poor DP - really difficult having to put in a holiday request and pack a bag for yourself...whilst someone sorts everything else for you.

Useless unpaid PA that I am - really should spoon feed him better...

OP posts:
NotNewButNameChanged · 05/07/2014 12:28

Don't worry, OP, that's what AIBU is here for? For you to come and ask if you are unreasonable and for you to argue that you aren't being with those who think you have been.

I'm not saying your DH is perfect, but if you have a serious health issue at the moment, I'd have thought you'd have been pleased to have him around to help out, look after you and your kids. Obviously not.

Original poster
unlucky83 · 05/07/2014 12:45

It has been interesting - we are all different - but I really wouldn't find it difficult to explain the situation and ask my boss to change it etc...just to communicate with someone
Now I appreciate that some people would find it tricky -so maybe I will be slightly more tolerant and less infuriated by his reluctance..WinkGrin

OP posts:
Original poster
unlucky83 · 05/07/2014 12:47

(Oh and it will good to have him around - but better if we could have a decent break in October to look forward too....)

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 05/07/2014 18:45

OP YANBU. Is it company policy to assign holiday? I would be incredibly annoyd with my work if I requested holiday, had it refused and was then required to take it with only a few days noticed. That's pretty outrageous.

Your DH sounds very passive about managing his work/life balance. I can understand not wanting to rock the boat if you've just started, but once you've been there a while and built up relationships then failing to find out what can be done to help make sure he can get away with his family is really poor. He sounds really selfish over the whole family holiday thing. I understand it's not everyone's cup of tea, in many ways I would rather be home alone than take my kids most years - it's exhausting and we dont' do much that I really like, but I didn't like changing nappies either, that didn't mean I avoided doing it.

I would be tempted to take time of myself somewehre next week leaving him to look after the kids then take the kids somewhere in October while he works.

zipzap · 06/07/2014 00:28

As you are now ill and unable to go away anyway, could he not use that as a reason to talk to his boss or HR and say that while it's really kind of them to have fitted the requested leave in at extremely short notice despite having refused it initially, circumstances have changed, you are ill and not up to travelling, you've been advised to rest at home and you need to see the gp daily. However you are going to need a really decent holiday at the end of all this and that by having a week now it means you won't be able to have a 2 week break later on when you really need it. And as he thought his leave request had been denied he didn't see any need to do anything as he assumed he would be working normally.

Not sure of the exact details of your illness but from what you have said this sort of story would work and be a way of saving face all around.

Hope you're better soon OP Thanks

Heathcliff27 · 06/07/2014 00:38

So you want him to cancel the weeks leave and keep it for October?? So he won't have any time off till October and no time with the kids over the summer holidays whether at home or away?? YABU, surely he deserves some downtime too. And you did only ask him 3 weeks ago? He was lucky to get any time at all. He surely doesnt get much leave if he cant take 1 week now and 2 weeks in october.

Heathcliff27 · 06/07/2014 00:39

And i just skimmed the replies incase some of this has already been covered

Original poster
unlucky83 · 06/07/2014 11:25

So an update - as I suspected his immediate boss was trying to do him a favour ...he came to chat to him yesterday ...asking him if he was glad he'd got next week off.
DP 'picked up the courage' to tell him (and from something he said I think he did tell him for the first time I'm ill!) - and his boss said no worries at all - don't take holiday next week!
DP was surprised how easy it was etc...it is a confidence thing...and that is what frustrates me and why I get cross.

As to DP not getting a break ...he works early mornings - so he is home in the afternoons so we can go out locally with him - (he goes to bed an hour or so before Dcs do).
And (if all goes well with me) I will take DCs down to visit my parents for a week or so in hols - so he will get a break in that when he is home he will be child free... And at Easter he deliberately took the week off after the DCs had gone back to school ... (work was too busy during the school hols Hmm!)

OP posts:
Heathcliff27 · 06/07/2014 11:29

Glad its worked out for you but I meant doesn't he deserve a break from going to work every day? Theres no way my husband would go till October without having some time off, he does have a stressful job though so enjoys even just a week at home pottering about and taking the kids to the park etc.

Original poster
unlucky83 · 06/07/2014 12:29

His job is quite hard physically but not really stressful - that was the point of him selling his business 5 yrs ago - reduce the stress and working hours (he only used to get one day off - working 90+hr per week...)
He didn't work at all for a while- but got bored....hence taking what he considers an easy job!

OP posts:
slartybartfast · 06/07/2014 14:35

oh that's good, glad to hear he braved it out with his boss. and hope you get away as planned in october Smile

maddy68 · 06/07/2014 17:48

Go on a mon - Friday holiday. I do that all the time. In fact I prefer it to a whole week. Means I can also have some time at home

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