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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do you ask or tell your children you're moving to a new area?

39 replies

Fattymcbatty · 04/07/2014 12:34

Ok, I don't mean ask their permission but to what extent should their feelings be taken into account? My DCs are 9 and 8 and also have two babies. We live in a 3 bed semi but if we moved an hour away (which happens to be a lot closer to dh's work) we could, for the same price purchase a 5 bed with office and conservatory. I don't work, my best friend is about to move to another country and I really don't feel any ties to this area. Older DCs are however dead against moving as they love their school and friends. They cry when we mention it on any serious level! I don't know if I can do it to them.... What to do?

OP posts:

ConsideringReconsidering · 04/07/2014 12:45

It's a tricky one. Could you wait a bit until they hate sharing a room and then sell them the idea of a bigger house? Or take them to the new area and show them.what sort of space they could have/how nice it is etc.

AMumInScotland · 04/07/2014 12:48

I guess you have to weigh up the strength of your reasons for wanting to move, against the strength of their reasons for wanting to stay.

If you really don't have much choice, then it's kinder not to even put it in terms of a question, better to present it as 'this is going to happen' and accept the fact that they may not like it.

Since you've already raised the subject, and they are really against it, I think I'd need something a lot stronger than 'it would be nice to move' to disrupt their lives.

But that's just me, and plenty of people would no doubt say you're the adult, they're the children, you get to make these choices and they will learn to cope.

christinarossetti · 04/07/2014 12:49

The problem is that children will rarely if ever 'want' to move - they are only aware of what they'll lose and what will change rather than what they'll gain.

We're about to move half a mile up the road, same school etc and my 7 year old is excited/sad/worried/angry/frightened about it all, including saying that she's going to refuse to move.

I think, as a child, it makes you really realise how powerless you are over so many aspects of your life and makes the world feel really scary and unpredictable.

You and your dh should make the decision based on what you believe is best for your family, and then support your dc with the difficult feelings and anxieties that they feel and try to make the move as smooth as possible. They're too young to be able to make such a significant decision!

Bodicea · 04/07/2014 12:56

Personally I am in the you are the adult they are the child camp. I don't think children should be pandered to. I think that happens too much nowadays.
I was moved about a lot as a child. The decisions were nothing to do with me. I think it actually made me a stronger more confident person as I had to go into differnent situation, make friends etc.

ClashCityRocker · 04/07/2014 13:03

You need to take what's best for the family into consideration - and children can't be objective as to what's best for them.

If you feel that yours and the kids quality of life will improve, go for it...your kids will be upset initially, but they will hopefully make new friends and settle in.

I've also moved around a lot as a child (parents in forces) and whilst I used to get upset whenever we moved, it was soon forgotten about and I don't feel that it had a negative impact on me at all.

I think you need to accept that they will be upset about it, which is perfectly natural. Assuming they don't have any additional needs which needs to be taken into account, I wouldn't let it sway my decision if I really wanted to move.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 04/07/2014 13:05

I have to say at 9 and 8 then no, I wouldn't give them any say at all. Kids like routine and familiarity -they are bound to want to stay where they are.

However, they are also resilient and will make new friends in no time.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 04/07/2014 13:13

You have to tell them, asking them gives them some feeling over responsibility over it and that responsibility is too big for little shoulders. It's hard enough weighing up pros and cons as an adult. If things don't work out its a massive thing for them to carry.

We were made to feel responsible for a big move when we were kids. There was a huge amount of guilt associated with that. Parents need to make decisions and not shift them on to kids.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/07/2014 13:28

We moved when my DD was 7-8.
Moved about 40 minutes away.
So much more house for your money and closer to ExH work but much further away from mine.
I don't remember asking her to be honest.
We made the decision and did it.
9 years on and she barely even remembers her old life or any of her friends.
I don't have to spend over an hour travelling into London on the M40.
Although ex has left, we still love it here.
This is your decision and you need to make it.
They are children and they will adjust.
My DD has a great life with loads of friends.

Frikadellen · 04/07/2014 13:30

we spoke to our children about it However we never asked their opinion we as the adults made the decision,

FFW 8 years and I see happy confident teenagers who have made friends who they get on well with and the 2 younger ones have little recollection of where they lived before the older 2 outright say their new primary school was better than the one one.

Had we asked them if they wanted to move their answer would have been a solid no.

DH and I could see the benefits and went for it.

HappyGirlNow · 04/07/2014 13:34

No say. You're the adult, you make the decisions. Of course they won't want to move but they'll adapt and may learn from it..

Crinkle77 · 04/07/2014 13:37

I agree with the others that you don't need to ask their opinions but when you tell them just be as sensitive as you can. Don't say this is what is happening and that's that. Try and be as supportive and understanding of their worries and give them lots of reassurance.

RedSoloCup · 04/07/2014 13:37

I moved three times as a child, aged 5 stayed at same school, aged 7 changed schools, aged nearly 11 changed schools and spent just two terms at that local primary.

The only time that really adversely effected me was the last move especially as I then went on to a different secondary school to everyone else in the village we'd moved into.

If you're going to do it I would say sooner rather than later.

Bonsoir · 04/07/2014 13:39

Children don't decide where the family lives - parents do! Don't even think of consulting them on this one.

Andrewofgg · 04/07/2014 13:41

What Bodicea said which matches my experience. Tel, don't ask.

Andrewofgg · 04/07/2014 13:42

Tell

7Days · 04/07/2014 13:44

Kids will say No they don't want to move, regardless. So there is no point asking them.

You could ask them if they still want to go to Brownies or whatever every Saturday, to keep in touch with old friends. And commit to it. It will probably be a pain but look at the time your DH will save on commuting during the week, time that can be tacked onto Wed eevnings or Sat mornings - I imagine that will fade away too in time.

We moved across the country when I was 6. I hated it, and thus began 10 years of bullying and exclusion to varying degrees. But it was still the right decision for our family. So don't be as cavalier and insouiciant as my parents were, but don't turn down the opportunity either.

starlight1234 · 04/07/2014 13:47

I would say the earlier the better. I think maybe drop the subject and when you know where they are moving to explain then. At the moment it is all about what they are losing.

I said this on another post My Ds had 2 new children in his year they were very popular and everyone wanted to play with them. New kids fit in well at this age

lynniep · 04/07/2014 13:51

I agree with everyone else. Children hate change. Its really unsettling for them. Its in your families best interests though, so do it. I can't see any reason at all for you not to.

crazykat · 04/07/2014 13:54

We had to move countries when I was 9 an tbh I hated it. At first I wanted to go home. This was partly down to moving just before Christmas so I was in a strange place where I knew no one. Within two weeks of starting school I'd made some friends and was a lot happier.

If the move will be better for your family which it sounds like it would then do it. The children will get used to it. They'll soon make new friends and with all the technology now they can keep in touch with their old friends.

Now would be the ideal time to move before your oldest starts secondary school.

Try to sell them on the idea of their own bedrooms and getting to choose what they want rarer than having to agree between them.

I'm guessing they'll get to see your DH more as well if its an hour closer to where he works.

Iseesheep · 04/07/2014 13:59

Forces family here so move a lot. You can't give the children a choice but you can be sympathetic, make sure that if they want to your kids can keep in touch with their old friends (Skype etc) and most of all turn it into a massive adventure! If I can't go and visit the new house and area then we spend a few hours finding play parks etc on Google Maps.

If it's a done deal, after a couple of weeks of push back, they'll come round and look at the positives, just so long as you give them the positives.

Galvanized · 04/07/2014 14:12

Wait until they are due to move up to secondary school. That way their friendship group is likely to change anyway even for those who stay put, and at the new school they won't be "new kids", there will be kids from various local schools (unless you're in some backwater tiny area...!).

HecatePropylaea · 04/07/2014 14:13

Children arent able to make decisions like this because they are children! They lack the maturity to be able to see the big picture, they are more likely to crave the familiar, be afraid of change, etc.
so for me, it's a case of saying we are moving and being gentle but firm and not giving them the illusion of choice in order to make myself feel better. I would offer them actual choices like how their new room will be decorated, which room will be theirs, etc, so that they have something that is their decision, but you can't let the normal and natural fear of the unknown that children have stop you from making decisions that you as the adult have assessed as being in the ultimate best interests of the family.

HecatePropylaea · 04/07/2014 14:14

Meant to say that my husband does the choice illusion thing and it drives me batty. Asks them a question to which he already knows he will only accept one answer. I say if you arent actually asking them, dont pretend you are! To me, that is worse than just straight out telling them.

Bonsoir · 04/07/2014 14:24

Children aren't able to make decisions like this because they aren't theirs to make. Parents own the rights to where the family lives, in accordance with a whole host of variables.

GoringBit · 04/07/2014 14:31

We moved when I was 12, so I went into my new school in what is now year 8. I didn't want to go, but it was okay, and it was certainly a better life in a lot of ways. The only thing was that my peer group had established friendships during year 7, so I spent a lot of time playing catch-up in terms of making friends there. But hey, life changes, we adapt.

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