To wonder if this is it?

[thatmother]

DS is so uncontrollable. School is mega exciting. It's carnival week. He's excited and cannot pay attention or listen to me at all.

I ended up walking home last night crying in the street with him after family had fucked off left us to it when I was shouting at him excessively in public.

I'm subjecting him to emotional abuse. He has low self-esteem. When I'm cross, I can't help myself. I'm so annoyed with him for not listening to me. Why can't he just stay with me rather than running off all of the time. And no, I'd not want to be with me either.

Mum is having him tonight and I feel like I want to use this time to hop on a train and get as far away from them as possible. Reinvent myself and start again and not look back. I really feel like I'm failing. We do things, holidays etc but we don't have a good time because I spend half of my time shouting at him/being cross.

Will it ever get better?

How old is he?

If he runs off make him wear a back pack that has a lead that you hold

Use the time he's at your mums to recharge your batteries, eat cake , have a long soak in the bath

You don't mention a partner. father? Is he helpful at all?

How old is he

He's 7 at the end of the year. No father at all. Mum's not very useful either, but she is trying. They'll have a great time later. She'll remind me to make allowances for him and that he's only this little once and to "enjoy it".

She'll then go on to tell me that "well, it is embarrassing having you shouting like that" if last night is brought up...

How old is he? Do you have any other support?

I was horribly ashamed of myself a few weeks ago for screaming at one of my son's - it was very out of character for me and I was abolutely disgusted in myself and couldn't stop thinking of how awful I'd been. But a couple of weeks on, I have a bit of persepcetive and have rationalised that yes, he was being an almighty pain (again, out of character) and I had let myself down but we both knew it was a one off and I hope there'll be no long lasting effects. It's a horrible feeling.

From what you say, it seems like this isn't a one off for you and it makes you feel horrible. Depending on how old he is you might have to reassess your expectations - younbger chilkdren will run off, have tantrums etc and expecting that behaviour, realsing it's not the end of the world will help you manage it with more prespective.

If you feel you need more help, there are a wealth of books out there and your Sure Start Centre will have some pointers too - people you can speak to without judgement.

Hope things get better for you.

Sorry about typos!

Just seen that you are a single parent - never underestimate how tough this is. Single parents have my utmost respect. Be kind to yourself and seek out support from other sources. No-one is superhuman.

Yeah, I'm seeing School Health again in 10 days to see if she can push for more support/assessment. It's been such a tough couple of years and I actually cannot remember the last time that I had a whole day without shouting (where he wasn't staying with my mum so I could go away for a couple of days!)

He KNOWS what is expected of him, but he's so impulsive and doesn't think before acting.

We were making progress but then now it's nearing the end of term and these few weeks are so exciting at school, it's like we're back to Square One again!

It's just relentless.

Have a look at this book
www.amazon.co.uk/Calmer-Easier-Happier-Parenting-Revolutionary/dp/144472990X

and her MN webchat
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_live_events/a1489480-Calmer-Easier-Happier-Parenting-author-N-el-Janis-Norton-live-webchat-on-Monday-11-June-noon-to-1pm

It is really easy to get into a pattern of shouting (I've done it hence knowing about the book). The move to noticing when your child is doing what you want rather than noticing when they aren't makes a big difference. The basic starting point is that you decide what you want your child to do e.g. walk next to you rather than run off and you comment descriptively as soon as they are doing it e.g. I notice that you are walking calmly beside me, that is very sensible.

It takes the focus and attention off what you don't want on to what you do want.

I found it hard to get out of the shouting habit especially if I was tired but it really does help the atmosphere if you do. One question that I ask myself is - has the shouting actually worked; did it make a long term change in their behaviour? Usually the answer is no.

Thanks Chaz :-)

Wrt the running off, why not use his energy to control him with goals like "run to X but then i want you to wait for me" then when you catch up allow him to run to the next point.

Is there a play park on your route home that you can take him to in order for him to run off steam?

As for the shouting, when their behaviour pushes you to the limit and is relentless it is really hard. So try not to be so hard on yourself!! Maybe try and pick your battles and let the smaller stuff slide for a bit?

OK confession time
I once burst into tears, dropped the basket and marched out of the supermarket because mine were mucking around and wouldn't stop. So I bought the book!

I have a 7 year old and have found that a good walk of about 2 miles a day tires him out, a good diet- I have recently altered this dramatically as DD (3) has asthma and I'm cutting out most processed food for all of us. We don't have a computer for the children but I have reduced screen time- either DVD or tv for 20 minutes a day. He's good at playing on his own anyway but this helps with his moods. He listens to Storynory on my phone to get him off to sleep. They are read in a very calm voice and there are no loud background sound effects!

You've got to be able to deal with a reasonable 7 year old if any of what you're telling him is going to sink in so I do think you need to address the fundamentals for this to happen - diet, sleep and exercise.