Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

I don't know what to do??

25 replies

Insanityismymiddlename · 04/07/2014 00:04

Long story short my DP and I split last month due to his depression and MH issues as he was smashing holes in my walls in front of DCs and threatening suicide, however he moved out and we meet up nearly everyday and he has his DD (also mine) every weekend.

Recently his moods have been getting worse shouting at me and losing his temper quickly, he says I'm controlling nasty and horrible but the next day apologies and for a few days things are fine then it starts again.

Tonight he kicked off again because I asked him to put one of our pets in its cage, apparently I said it wrong and he starts shouting at me that he is leaving, to which I kinda just said ok bye as didn't want a row, he then proceeds to stomp around punch my wall and threatens me on his way out saying if I was a man he'd hospitalize me.

However he has text telling me he is picking his dd up in the morning, and I am not comfortable with this, I will also be at work so puts my dcs carer in an awkward situation.

Can I stop him, legally? What do I do?
He is also very suicidal and if I say no I fear he may hurt himself.

Please help.

OP posts:

Montegomongoose · 04/07/2014 00:09

He is also very suicidal and if I say no I fear he may hurt himself.

You simply cannot be held to ransom like this. If he's going to kill himself it will be because he chose to.

Why are you meeting every day if you've split up?

Tell him you will call the police if he damages your property or threatens you again.

Get some legal advice sharpish and good luck.

Original poster

Insanityismymiddlename · 04/07/2014 00:13

I stupidly fall for the apology routine everytime and we agreed to try again sort of just living seperatly so he had some space.

If he killed himself though id have to explain to the children and his mum will blame me and everything is just a mess I don't want him to harm himself.

OP posts:

Montegomongoose · 04/07/2014 00:41

You need to detach and accept that if he kills himself that his children and mother will see that it was his choice to do so and that you did not 'make' him.

Stop trying to save him and concentrate in what's best for you and your children.

TheEnchantedForest · 04/07/2014 00:43

He has mental issues that mean he is suicidal -I think you have to question whether or not your children are safe around him.
People who are suicidal are on the edge and you obviously don't want your child there if he decides it happens to be the right moment. He may act irrationally.
This us aside from all the shouting etc.

hmmmwhatnow · 04/07/2014 00:47

If I say no I fear he may hurt himself

And if you say yes and he hurts your DD too?

Your job is now to protect your DC. Say no make it clear to the carer and ensure they are safe too should he just turn up.

mercifulgibbon · 04/07/2014 01:03

I would be frightened that he wouldn't just stop at hurting or killing himself. Every so often you see it in the news that a parent has taken their child with them. If I was in your situation, I would stop contact and seek legal advice. It sounds a difficult situation to be in though.

kawliga · 04/07/2014 01:10

You have one duty only, and that's to look after your DC. You do not owe him a duty to look after him - you are not his mother and you are not the right person to save him.

Happydaysatlastforthebody · 04/07/2014 01:15

Good god op. Far too many red flags here for me. Photograph the damage to the wall, go to the police, change your locks and stop him taking his dd out of your care.

I would be petrified for her safety if I were you.

He's an adult so makes his own choices.

PasswordProtected · 04/07/2014 05:42

There is no such thing as being "very suicidal" - my husband committed suicide, he did not go around being abusive or punching walls beforehand.
Your dp has problems, possibly of his own making, that HE needs to sort out.
His behaviour sounds like that of a small child testing its boundaries. For your peace of mind, I would set a few boundaries and stick to them.

AnyoneForTennis · 04/07/2014 08:35

Does he work? Is he like this with colleagues?

Carrie5608 · 04/07/2014 08:39

Phone his GP and tell him off your concerns. He can't discuss it with you but he can listen to you. Your DH needs medical help urgently.

AnyoneForTennis · 04/07/2014 08:43

As op mentions his MH issues I'm thinking he must have a gp diagnosis and maybe medication? Or is this a case if an angry man who has lost control over op and is using threats to regain it?

Figster · 04/07/2014 08:45

Speak to his dr have evidence of his damage but most of all don't let him take your child he's incapable of looking after her by sounds of it.

Definitely do not let him take your DD if he is that unstable and remember you are not His healthcare provider he has to take personal responsibility for himself

wheresthelight · 04/07/2014 09:06

I'd be reporting to the police and speaking to social services both regarding hos behaviour and protecting your daughter.

DO NOT let him have her without supervision, how would you feel if he killed himself whilst looking after her or he hurt her when in a rage?!

This is abuse and emotional blackmail. Put yourself and your daughter first and stop contact until he receives help

KnackeredMuchly · 04/07/2014 09:42

I would also be petrified harm would come to my child and would do everything advised here - SS, police and GP.

Pay for a solicitor if you have to.

Numanoid · 04/07/2014 10:00

If he killed himself though id have to explain to the children and his mum will blame me and everything is just a mess I don't want him to harm himself.

No, no, no! I've seen so many situations like this where people try to guilt others by threatening suicide, and it's not on. Don't bend to his will because of it.

It is sad when someone is genuinely considering suicide, but right now he isn't in the right frame of mind to be looking after children, and needs to find help for himself first.

Numanoid · 04/07/2014 10:02

As other posters have said, keep yourself and your DC away from him. If he contacts you, tell him that you think it's best, until he has sorted through his problems. If you feel at all threatened, involve the police.

MrsWinnibago · 04/07/2014 10:07

Call the non emergency number and tell them he's threatened you.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 04/07/2014 10:10

People who appear to be very suicidal are usually just crying out for help.

It's the ones who never mention it who are more likely to do it...and I speak from bitter experience.

But no, if you feel he is unstable at the moment then you and you DC should keep your distance until he sorts himself out.

AllThatGlistens · 04/07/2014 11:04

By the sounds of it he's causing far more harm to your DC than himself at the mo.

I'd be protecting the truly vulnerable ones in this situation, and that's your children.

Topaz25 · 04/07/2014 11:47

Your DD has one stable parent and that is you. You need to protect her. What if your ex hurts her or hurts himself in front of her? Call the police.

MsVenus · 04/07/2014 12:11

Get legal advice quickly, the first 30 minutes are free so you could book a few half hour apts with several solicitors.

Is your partner receiving treatment for his mh condition? If so can you speak to his mh nurse or gp about his threats and behaviour?

Call the police on 101 & explain the situation and see what they say. Also see if CAB can put you in touch with some mh organisations.

ikeaismylocal · 04/07/2014 12:27

He is an adult and your dd is a child, you need to protect her from his behavior. Mh issues are not an excuse to behave in a violent, scary way around children. Everytime she sees him behaving aggressively or violently it is teaching her that it is ok for men to behave like that, imagine if it was your dd's future husband/partner and treat you partner/ex as you'd treat your dd's future partner.

Can you arrange for your dd and the person looking after her to go out for the day so there isn't a confrontation?

I also think social services are a good idea, it's great that you want to maintain contact between your dd and her dad but I think it needs to be in a more controlled environment.

londonrach · 04/07/2014 12:54

No way should your dd be left with him full stop. Straight to police, so anyone now. Your dd needs protection as do you. Please op be strong. X

Original poster

Insanityismymiddlename · 04/07/2014 13:19

So far I haven't heard from him, so thats good, I have taken the day off work to keep an eye on things and to make sure he doesn't just turn up.

He has depression and is on medication and having counselling.

He doesn't work but is like this with other people if he doesn't get his own way, like a toddler he throws a hissy if he isn't in control, I have posted a few times about him a while back as this isn't the first kick off I have had but stupidly I always take him back.

I don't believe he would ever hurt the DC but I am not taking the chance.

I have been onto my health visitor for some advice and I am looking for a solicitor but there is only one local to me who deals with family law and apparently there is no such thing as legal aid anymore.

OP posts:

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread