to be fed up childcare is always my responsibility

[oxfordmumma1]

I am virtually a sahm but do run a small business on a very part time basis. It is quite child friendly so often I work whilst looking after dc D.h works long hours Monday to Friday. During the week he has little involvement with dc. Never does bedtime etc.
A few examples in recent times. Before having last child I contemplated working nights as a means of keeping childcare costs to a minimum. The reaction I got was well you will have to be back to enable me to go to work. I am the main earner etc etc.
I wanted to go on a work conference. I was told I could go if I sorted out childcare. He refused to take a day off work for it. So I had to go cap in hand to Mil to ask her. She said yes originally and than backed out at the last minute. She thought she needed to tske sil somewhere although she actually didn't do it in the end. So dh took day off. Maybe she did it to get him to step up.
The third is that I need to go to hospital on Monday. It is an awkward time so don't think I can get back for school run. Plus bring an active 20 month old to an appointment for a gynecological issue is not my idea of fun. Also stressed as condition is sometimes pre cancerous. So surely at this point a considerate dh would say o I will see if I can work from home. He does this quite regular when he has appointments etc etc. However, he claims he can't next week
But no, I had to ask mil who is surprise surprise busy with sil. Only option now is to get sister to do it which will involve paying for her to make a 30 mile train journey or a 120 mile round trip to pick up and drop off.
Aibu to feel let down. If he wants to go away for the weekend he can without worrying about childcare as he knows I am there. Yet if I need help I have to do all the running.

My husband is exactly the same. I also work 30 hours a week but EVERYTHING re the children is my responsibility. He will never ever help out. We've had so many rows over the years which have got me precisely NOWHERE.

I made the decision on Monday to end the marriage and the relief was immense. I just couldn't stand the complete lack of respect. Because that's what it boils down to. It's much much more than a childcare issue.

The thing is though redsky the time he would have to take out of day to look after toddler is less than the length of his commute/lunch so he could still do a full days work without it impacting.
Yes I do have some contacts but its tricky with older ds who is at middle school and get the bus. He is not yet 10 so really needs someone home when he gets home. I guess he could go to a friends house but its complicated managing this for 3dc.

He has never really done bedtime for youngest as she is ebf and I co sleep. This really came about because dh hated it when her crying kept him awake at night! Co sleeping gave me the energy to get up and other dc to school. Now she is fed to sleep but rarely wakes at night.
He does interract more with her now but rarely does the hard slog like dressing, nappy changing etc. Even at weekends when home. O and he has never bathes any of them.

redskyatnight
If you are normally responsible for looking after the DC at a certain time and you can't do it for some reason, then I think it's reasonable that you are responsible for finding alternative childcare...I also don't think it's on to expect someone to work at home while looking after a 20 month old - sorry.

The other reason childcare falls to you is that you are the one with the contacts! It is literally impossible for a DH who works long hours to get to know other parents...

Agree with both these points.

My husband and I both work and we have a general rule that if one of us needs ro alter childcare because of working late/attending a course etc then it is the parent who needs the change who sorts the change however this is not set in stone as we live nearer my family so usually it will be them chipping in so me asking and there is no way he wouldn't help me attend a hospital appointment - no normal, caring person would!

Which leads me on to another point - people don't become selfish and inconsiderate as a result of having children. They will have always been selfish and inconsiderate but it won't have been so apparent. I always want to flag posts like this to women who haven't yet had children but are in relationship with this type of person and scream "LOOK!!!! THINGS WON'T GET BETTER, YOU WILL JUST BE AN UNPAID COOK/CLEANER/NANNY/EGO MASSEUSE"

Bathed.

Tbh he was alot better before having dc. He was also far more proactive with 1st two. He used to take charged of 2 year old whilst I did newborn. He has definately changed for the worse since having unplanned 3rd.

The thing is though he never needs to arrange childcare when he works late because he knows I am there to do it. Yet whenever I work I either have to bring dc with me, arrange childcare of it I a lucky he will do it.

It sounds like you are the in the position where he considers that he is the breadwinner and you are the SAHM. He thinks of your job as something that can be picked up and put down. TBH, you yourself describe it as "very part time" and something that you can do "while looking after DCs". Neither of these things scream "proper job".

So I think you need to decide what it is - are you a SAHM - when it is perfectly reasonable for DH to expect you to pick up the slack when he has to work late - that is one of the benefits of having a SAHP!!

Or are you someone who works part time, in which case you have proper childcare set up, a back up plan when the proper childcare doesn't cover an ad-hoc situation and DH recognises that you are working and your job is equally important as his.

I would just say all of this to him.
Marriages are meant to be partnerships and the idea that you would have to ask your sister to come when you are having medical investigations for cancer is utterly ridiculous.
Very simply he's being unkind to you and he's meant to cherish you-I know that sounds corny, but I have been in an identical situation myself recently and dh has done everything and more-same work issues, childcare, possible cancer etc. He's done it all as a matter of course- as would you if the situation was reversed and your dh had similar needs.
The money, the childcare, the lack of parenting, the lack of support for illness -what exactly does he think marriage is about?

I can't get over the not claiming child benefit because he couldn't be bothered filling in a tax return. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but for 3 DCs that's about 3000 a year, so either he is definitely in the higher tax bracket in which case as a family you can afford to pay for childcare when you need it or the other option is he is incredibly lazy and does not care if you lose 3000 p/a because it is your money that you use on the DCs and yourself rather than his money.

I was in the same situation as yourself regarding the abnormal smear. From what I remember I attended the initial appointment on my own and DS was at a childminders and then for the colonoscopy DH was there with DS which was good as I was quite sore afterwards and in no condition to drive myself home. I hope everything is ok for you.

Does he enjoy being a parent? As he doesn't seem to do much. Just because he works doesn't mean you should be doing 24/7 child stuff.

I wouldn't ask my DH to take a day off, sometimes he's been able to go in a bit late if I have a GP appointment. But as DS goes to nursery two days, I try and arrange whatever I can for then. He did take a day off when I had horrendous food poisoning recently and couldn't move. And he has DS if I'm working a weekend. It's not even an issue and neither should it be.

why are you having a colonoscopy for gyne issues? Surely it is a colposcopy?

I have 2 separate issues. Monday is gynae issue. Also waiting for colonoscopy appt. Not asking him to take dayoff. Just work from home which he is allowed to do. The problem is I could get a paid part time job but I would worry that he wouldn't pick up the slack with the home/childcare.
Maybe I should have given him more notice.
He income is just In the band for total loss of chb. However, we are ot rich with spare money by any means. We live in a fairly expensive area and dh has a long commute which eats fuel. He pays alot into a pension. So whilst we could afford childcare as a one off me going back to work full time is not really voing to be cost effective until youngest is at school.

All the best for the future fairy. My work is fairly quiet now but I am really busy inthe run up to Christmas. He did look after dc whilst I was physically at an event but he never got up until the last minute leaving me to look after dc whilst loading car etc.
Think things have to change this year.

oxford if you want things to change - it really does come down to the language you use - and your attitude...a
nd (I've found) it will take time - this mentality has built up over a number of years - difficult to change overnight - and to an extent you have enabled it...
You need to make him really understand that you are doing your bit ...without you doing what you do he would struggle doing his job...
My DP goes to the dental hospital - fits it around his work etc...but struggles with the concept that I couldn't (pre school/during hols) do that ...once we had an appt clash - he had booked on his day off without looking at the calendar first - I ended up taking the DCs to my appt - he COULDN'T take them with him...
A good eg to give him was if he had to go to the GP with his piles. Would he be able to fit an appt in to his schedule? (Yes - I assume)
Would he want to take his DCs in with him? (No I assume)
So if that is true for him - he should be able to cover for your appts...

Good luck for Monday op.

Thank you

the time he would have to take out of day to look after toddler is less than the length of his commute/lunch so he could still do a full days work without it impacting.

I don't understand this. Assume the working day is 8 hours and 2 hours commuting. Are we saying that a toddler will stay on its own in another room, not making a noise and not getting into trouble, for a cumulative total of 8 hours in a 10-hour day?

I can't get over the not claiming child benefit because he couldn't be bothered filling in a tax return.

I think you've misunderstood, I think not taking child benefit makes no difference to the family income. If they claim it, their will be extra paper work (a tax return) as a consequence of which they will lose it all again via his taxes. So he is quite sensible not to ask for the money. (Though she should be "claiming" it without getting paid so she gets pension credits.)

This is a bit of a pita, but at the end of the day, someone has to do the grunt work. In your case, it seems that it always falls to you because dh is off doing something else. If you're happy with it, fine. If not, you need to be able to have a senseible conversation about who's responsible for dc and when. In your case, it seems that you can't make him see your point of view, and I'd be asking why this is. I'm suggesting he doesn't want to see it, and he's using your acquiescence to his advantage. To be fair to you, I think it is missing the point to refer to yourself as a doormat. You are not a doormat: you are simply taking responsibility for your own dc. It is pretty much impossible to renege on that responsibility, if you have no relable help.

Your h sounds a bit of a nob, tbh. If he won't take time off to work at home for a short while, even if he's able to, then I think you're flogging a dead horse. He'll never change, imo.

Whatever happens, good luck at the hospital.

I will be there for most of the time fraid. When dh works from home I normally take toddler out so as not to disburb dh. The same could have happened tomorrow.

Thank you. I am feeling anxious but hopefully it will be ok.
I know whether we claIm or don't claim child benefit makes no difference to overall income. I guess I just miss having £188 which feels like mine. Tbf I used to save most of it. But it was good knowing I could dip into it to pay a heavy gas bill or whatever.

Well saw consultant today. He is not too concerned but going to have a biopsy as a precaution. Sister was a star.

Glad all went well today- but it's really awful of your H to refuse to work at home so that you could get out for an hour for a hospital appointment for cancer investigations when he'll happily take a day off to recover from a heavy weekend. Seems like he has pretty skewed priorities.

You should be registering your eligibility for child benefit regardless of whether you claim the money, in order to maintain your NI record. Give your DH a deadline of e.g. a fortnight to arrange the transfer of equivalent funds, or start claiming again and let him have the hassle of a tax return. Things for the children should be paid from family income

yanbu. Childcare is a joint responsibility, end of.

Oxford - if it makes you feel any better I had the whole thing 15 years ago - including having abnormal cells removed.
Never had another abnormal smear since....never had any more related problems - carried two babies to full term...etc.
I remember the worry - but the procedure was fine - only thing I remember was the consultant thought I wanted to watch on the screen (I was studying biochemistry). The cell stains etc were interesting ...but still - I'd rather not watch a chunk being taken out of my cervix - thanks for the offer though !!)

Finger crossed this will become a distant memory for you too....
And your DH realises just how selfish he is being ...and doesn't pull another stunt like this...