religion and feminism puzzle

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I have namechanged for this. I am usually on a different part of the site and rarely venture near AIBU. I would value some opinions.

Dear Stepdaughter (DSD) is 19. She has lived with me and DH since she was 12. We have a great relationship and she is a lovely, very bright, wonderful girl, now in her second year at Uni (lives at home with us). Her mother lives in a different country and she sees her once a year, spending the long summer holidays with her.

I am a liberal and tolerant person, I am also very much a feminist. I have brought her up to be one too (or so I believed). I have no religion, neither does DH. DSD used to be an evangelical Christian, like her mother, when she came to live with me, but that faded out over the years.

She had a boyfriend about eighteen months ago who was a Muslim. I had no difficulties with that. The problem was however that he came from a strict religious family and it soon became very evident that they did not even know of her existence, that this was, from his point of view, a secret forbidden relationship. Also he started to become quite controlling of her (as she admitted later). I was not happy about the relationship but didn’t say anything. Then she broke up with him, citing his controlling behaviour, and DH and I heaved a sigh of relief.

Now she has a new boyfriend. He too is a religious Muslim. This time she has started taking the religious much more seriously, reading the Quran etc. Well I never said anything when she was spending her time reading the Bible, so I kept quiet. But over the last few weeks she started to wear a hijab, and long sleeves and long dress, even in hot weather. She passed the dresses off as “very comfortable” and the hijabs off as “scarves”, which she has around her neck until she leaves the house and then puts on her head once she is out (and particularly when she is out of sight of DH).

I do not want to be disrespectful to anyone here but I am afraid that I am of the school of thought that deplores any attempt by men to tell women what to wear, including the hijab and all other forms of covering up. I know many will disagree but that is my view, and very strongly held. I cannot believe that this wonderful bright, highly educated young woman, who has lived with me for years, would allow herself to go down this route. I just don’t know what to do.

DH says that when she gets back from holiday if she has not stopped this behaviour she will have to leave our house. I don’t know if that is the right approach, but I can’t just leave this, it is highly disturbing.

Any views?

First, I think asking her to leave the house is completely the wrong approach.

Would there be some opportunity to discuss her clothing and why she had changed what she wears. It may be nothing to do with direct pressure from the bf but more of a trying to fit in?

Oh, and I do agree it is disturbing but if as you say she is intelligent and educated then I feel there is much more to this than she is letting on. Cutting her off will not help anyone.

Your DH is BVU, she is an adult and entitled to make her own decisions about faith and he risks alienating her permanently and probably pushing her more towards it if he kicks her out.

I can't offer much advice other than my initial reaction that asking her to leave would likely be very damaging to your DH and DSD's relationship. You need to be able to talk to her and leave those lines of communication open. She needs to feel acceptance and love from you and DH what ever she chooses to do, it shouldn't be conditional on the basis that she conforms to what you and DH believe to be right. If this relationship turns sour she will need you to be there.

You cannot change someone's beliefs by nagging, so make sure there is plenty of mutual, respectful dialogue in which you can discuss your beliefs and hers, that is the only way to help someone see things from a different perspective.

It is entirely possible that no one is telling her to wear it and that she is doing it of her own free will.

Islam is a peaceful religion that does not demand the covering of hair in the Quran but it is a cultural decision - she may view it as part of her step towards converting.

If you and your dh have a problem with her converting you need to become more educated about it instead of shutting down any debate out of fear or ignorance.

I disagree with the need culturally to wear a hijab but I respect their rights to do it - as should you if you're a liberal feminist.

The issue is, and I have put this very forcefully to DH, that I strongly feel she has the right to whatever beliefs she wants (well, within reason, obviously not racist or prejudiced beliefs etc). And her religious faith is her own concern and I have never sought to influence that in any way.

It is the issue of the behaviour, not the faith, that I am worried about. First, her being in a relationship with someone when we can't meet their family, invite them around etc etc. And most importantly, her being dictated to in respect of her appearance and dress.

I know someone who's parents threatened to throw her out of the house for becoming Muslim. She just practiced in secret for 5 years instead and is now happily married to a fellow convert.

If you Google New Muslim Project, they would be happy to talk to you about any concerns.

I converted to Islam nearly 10 years ago, I was in my parents were very concerned, but when they realised, that I was still the same person, just practicing a religion they came to terms with it.

I can understand the cconcern with regards to the boyffriend, I think you need to talk to her, without the threat of throwing her out if you don't like her answers.

Presumably her boyfriends family do not want their son going out with someone who isn't Muslim?

Yes, that's very sad. It doesn't mean he's telling her what to wear though.

I don't have a problem with her converting (although DH would). I do have a huge problem with the cultural aspects in relation to women.

Are you sure that she's 'being dictated to' about what to wear, rather than wearing it by her own choice? Maybe she feels more confident because she's wearing a visible declaration of her beliefs.
To further complicate matters, if you're telling her that she can't wear it, then, surely, you're dictating to her what she must wear?

I think the best line to take is having calm interested conversations with her, about what she's reading, how she feels about it, why she feels this is the right choice for her at this time. If you focus on listening, and try to keep your comments as neutral as you can, then you're more likely to get her to engage with you rather than her feeling you are 'against' her choices.

You may not get her to change her views, but at least if you understood where they are coming from you could gently suggest things, or prompt questions in her mind, to make sure she's hearing a variety of viewpoints.

if she is educated and brought up with freedoms, there isn't much you can do. Do check that this is is her own choice, as she has form with controlling boyfriends - you are reasonable to be concerned that there's no 'no-one else will look at you, I'm all you'll get so do as I say'.

it also saddens me that people make these choices, and that restrictive religion continues in the 21st century - but as long as the choices don't harm anyone else, then they have to be allowed. To do otherwise constrains freedom. If people choose to restrict themselves, there's nothing to be done.

if this is her choice, remember it is only part of her life and there is no reason you cannot still continue your excellent relationship.

So she was an evangelical Christian, lost that faith and is now seeking out strict Muslims? She sounds a bit lost. Religions bring rules and certainties as well as a sense of belonging. I'd look at trying to help her feel involved/connected, digging out her baby photos and retelling stories or having family gatherings, encouraging her to join (non religious) groups or societies that fit with her interests etc. Don't mention religion but listen without criticising if she brings it up.