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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I will have to just please myself?

46 replies

MrsWinnibago · 03/07/2014 11:10

Sorry it's wedding related. DH and I are getting married.

We;re also emigrating to his country (Oz) in 2016.

I want to get married over there on the beach. My sister has just said it's out of order as none of my own family can come if I do that.

I feel sad now. I feel that DH has lived here in the UK for 12 years now and his family have had the loss of him and our children all that time...they should get to enjoy our wedding over there...also DH has a lot a good friends who will want to come whereas over here in the UK I don't have many people I'd ask at all....DHs friends are mine too...and I have a very, very special friend over there who is going to come too.

I want to get married in Oz.

My Mum has seen three of my siblings get married with big weddings and MIL has not seen one of her two children get married. My SIL won't marry....she's 45 and a lesbian and has just split up from her long term girlfriend...theres always a chance she might meet someone else but it's not on the cards really.

I could just about pay for my Mum to come over to see us get married but not any of my siblings...I didn't think they'd care this much.

Only my older sister has moaned about it....now I'm worried that I'm being selfish.

OP posts:

flippetygibbet · 03/07/2014 13:41

Do what you want - not your dm/dsis/mil ......getting married on the beach sounds great ---If your telling them now they have 2 yrs to save up for flights, would be lovely for you to fund your mums ticket but not compulsory ...my friend did similar and again it was her siblings that moaned not her mum - she was fine with it and told the siblings to butt out.. they can choose their own way...you choose yours

Legionofboom · 03/07/2014 13:45

Your sister is being thoughtless. You and your DP are from opposite sides of the world so wherever you hold your wedding it is bound to be difficult, if not impossible for some people to attend.

All you can do is find the solution that works best overall, which it sounds like you have done. You have good reasons to get married in Australia and I think it's lovely that you are thinking of your future MIL.

DH and I changed our wedding plans because my brother got all huffy about it. I doubt if he can even remember our wedding now but whenever I think about it I feel sad that we didn't have what we wanted.

CannulaNellie · 03/07/2014 13:45

Mrs Winnebago: don't do it to please your sister!

If your mum won't be fussed then chat to her and say you'll set up Skype or whatever, tell your sis she can host a Skype party and 'attend' that way. Do not be a doormat! (Easy for me to say I know).

Tell everyone what's going to be happening and brook no arguments, just shrug and say 'oh but it's all arranged, it's all booked now I can't cancel ...' And do whatever the hell you and your dp want.

ShergarAndSpies · 03/07/2014 14:41

A wedding on a beach sounds lovely!

Just one thing (and sorry to be all doom and gloom) - have you had a proper think about what might happen if you emigrate to Oz and your relationship doesn't work out?

I'm certainly not saying that it won't but there are an awful lot of women on this board who are stuck in Oz despite wanting to move back to the UK because their marriages failed but the children must remain in Oz - even though they were born in the UK.

It's an awful position to have to be in and I wouldn't want anyone considering a move to be unaware of the risk.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/07/2014 14:47

Please yourself. I organised four bloody wedding to try to appease MIL and BIL and in the end DH broke down and told them to shut up and we would do as we pleased. These are people I like and respect (DMIL has since died and I miss her a lot). People are ODD about weddings and can't be pleased.

Original poster

MrsWinnibago · 03/07/2014 14:52

Terry that's it....exactly! I think people get anxious about them when there's no need.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/07/2014 14:55

Screw 'em Winnibago Also, can I get an invite? I love holidays, beaches, Australia and weddings. I promise I won't demand anything.

PeachyParisian · 03/07/2014 15:07

You have to do what you want to do, it's not about your sister it's about you and your partner.

For various reasons DH and I ended up getting married in his home country at the grotty town hall. Only my parents and siblings could afford to come and I feel like I missed out on having the wedding I wanted. We are have another one next year in the UK, a simple ceremony and party afterwards with all of our friends and my family in attendance

allmycats · 03/07/2014 15:09

Your wedding, your choice , end of.

Original poster

MrsWinnibago · 03/07/2014 15:12

Terry I would bloody love to invite MN. We could have an anonymous thread after where everyone picks holes in the day! I'd go incognito and pretend I was a guest and pick on my menu!

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/07/2014 15:16

I'm buying a hat.

Original poster

MrsWinnibago · 03/07/2014 17:24

I want everyone in Easter bonnets Terry like the famous fox one. T'would be great to see my relatives faces

OP posts:

Littlef00t · 03/07/2014 18:33

Ooh I really live the idea of a lavish engagement/leaving do inviting your family and friends then getting married when you get there with skype etc.

It's only selfish to get married in oz if you're expecting ppl to come. If you're understanding of the cost then fair enough.

Original poster

MrsWinnibago · 03/07/2014 20:05

Little but as I said, I only have about three friends! It won't be very lavish at all with only 20 guests...most of them my family!

OP posts:

306235388 · 03/07/2014 20:11

I can see why your sister is upset, you, dh and the kids are moving to the other side of the world and also waiting until you're over there to get married - surely you can see why that is upsetting for her?

That said do what you want to do.

KnackeredMuchly · 03/07/2014 20:15

Yanbu op - do it in Oz

goldenlilliesdaffodillies · 03/07/2014 20:51

My sister got married in Oz at Christmas. The fall out with my parents was massive and they have only just started speaking now.

As her sister it was quite odd seeing pictures of my sisters wedding on Facebook and having nothing to do with it. However that was her choice to do that so I respected that.

Do what feels best for you. You have one life.

HowsTheSerenity · 03/07/2014 22:58

I'll be the MN rep. I'm in Oz

ICanSeeTheSun · 03/07/2014 23:13

I would have the legal bits done here, but I tend to over think things and would be worried that the oz government started questioning if the wedding was legit.

It's your life and do what you and STBDH want

M10s · 03/07/2014 23:35

"Ooh I really live the idea of a lavish engagement/leaving do inviting your family and friends then getting married when you get there with skype etc"

Similar idea to an engagement party, with a bit more 'direction', MrsWinnibago ... have a short and simple 'Betrothal Ceremony' followed by lunch (with the 20 people that you would have had at your wedding, had you had a wedding here).

An American friend, whose father and stepmother lived in the UK, did that before she and her fiance returned to the US, after an extended visit. They had a very short ceremony (maybe conducted by a 'lay preacher', I think, perhaps I could find out). Her fiance asked for her hand in marriage, her father gave his blessing, they were pronounced 'Betrothed', they had a champagne toast, then all sat down to a celebratory lunch.

I've never heard of anyone doing this before or since, so maybe it's an American thing, but it could work for you instead of a UK wedding.

StrawberryGashes · 04/07/2014 09:38

If you want a wedding on a beach in oz then have one. It's your wedding. Are your parents/sister paying for it?

You could go out for a big meal for everyone in the UK as an engagement celebration before you go so they're included.

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