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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think he is being hypocritical

25 replies

oxfordmumma1 · 03/07/2014 11:04

So yesterday dh gave the kids a lecture about leaving rubbish out in the garden. No problem there.
However, he is as bad as the dc for this. Just last night he left an empty soda bottle on the kitchen worktop, a crisp packet and a biscuit wrapper on the table near the sofa. Plushis glass which I have to move as we have a toddler.
He also moand at dd for leaving clothes lying around on the flloor. Well lets just say you can't see the bedroom floor for his clothes.
I may be a sahm but I feel like I am being treated like a maid by dh and dc. I do keep reminding them and it may improve for a couple of days but that's it.
Aibu

OP posts:

MelanieCheeks · 03/07/2014 11:18

Do you just want people to say "not you're not unreasonable", or do you actually want some suggestions on how to make things better?

Original poster

oxfordmumma1 · 03/07/2014 11:20

Suggestions. Because talking hasn't helped.

OP posts:

HecatePropylaea · 03/07/2014 11:20

Not at all.

Have you pointed out that children learn by example and what they are learning from him is that you can leave your crap anywhere you like, and mum has to deal with it? So he cannot tell them off for simply learning from him. What he has to do is change.

HecatePropylaea · 03/07/2014 11:24

ok, suggestions - don't tidy up after him.

If you have to put something that is actually a hazard out of reach, tell him to do it first and point out it isn't actually your job to risk assess for and tidy up after a grown man and it's really rather pathetic.

If he leaves actual rubbish lying around, either leave it where it falls and point it out to him or gather it up and put it on his pillow or somewhere else that is a massive inconvenience to him

tell him that treating you like a household appliance is making you lose respect for him and that if he chooses to not change, he is telling you that he has no respect for you either

wait until he is asleep and then write I Am A Lazy Sod on his forehead.

BlackeyedSusan · 03/07/2014 11:27

if he leaves it on the floor it does not get washed.

if you have to tidy up stuff because he has left it about and it is not safe... then you do not have time to do something else that is relevant to him. he will not change unless he suffers the consequences of his actions.

coralgrimes · 03/07/2014 11:30

Yep don't pick up after him. DP would leave stuff around and I'd day dont forget to pit that away...put that in the bed etc So I started leaving stuff...and then dd would get hold of it and I would say look you can't keep doing this because dd can get to this stuff/rubbish now. He doesnt do it now. It was mostly opened post and breakfast plates and cups. He doesnt treat me like a maid though.

coralgrimes · 03/07/2014 11:30

day=say

coralgrimes · 03/07/2014 11:31

oh god, just ignore my million typos

maras2 · 03/07/2014 11:57

Why not just say ' Pick your own crap up before you give out to the kids you hypocrite' That's what I'd say.Don't do it for him.

EmptyNestAgain · 03/07/2014 12:05

My DH was like this in the early days, until the trainer incident. He left them in the middle of the floor of our (very small) living room. I asked him to move them -at least 20 times- and he didn't. I ended up hoovering around them for a week. So I said that if he didn't put them away, I'd put them in the dustbin. He didn't and I did. The last he saw of them was when he was running behind the dustbin truck, trying to get them back . Funnily enough, his untidiness improved somewhat after that. And the Dcs learnt a lesson.

Joysmum · 03/07/2014 12:09

I asked my DH how the hell he expected our FD to respect him when he's such a hipocrit!

We had the same conversation as our DD has the same issues with food as we do and in frustration he's shaming her about it. It turned it back on him to make him see how hurtful he is and how she'll withdraw from him.

It works, but it's not nice for either of us when it's needed.

AMumInScotland · 03/07/2014 12:59

What happens when you do talk to him about it? Does he see that he's being unreasonable and promise to change, then just slip back into his old ways? Or does he blank you out or tell you he doesn't see the problem?

In terms of what you can do, I think they've mostly already been mentioned -

Don't clean up after him, unless for DCs safety. Even then, just move his mess to somewhere that causes him a problem instead.

Call him on it. When he mentions clothes on the floor, say "Maybe both the irresponsible people in this house need to spend the next half hour picking their clothes up off the floor"

If you can't stand the mess, put all his stuff in a bin bag and put it somewhere out of your way, and preferable out of sight.

Don't wash anything that hasn't made it to the washing basket.

Basically, make him the one who has the inconvenience. Most people won't bother to change their ways if they don't feel the pain. Make it his problem, he'll be more likely to do something about it.

cozietoesie · 03/07/2014 13:59

If you've already discussed it as much as you feel is productive, I'd buy a sticky'post-it' pad and start to leave some garish pink/yellow/etc notes on the offending items. 'Left around by DH' etc or similar.

(It risks some post-it retaliation but I think a fluorescent forest for a few hours would make the point.)

LindyHemming · 03/07/2014 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

oxfordmumma1 · 03/07/2014 14:28

He comes up with an excuse generally. I forgot or I didn't know which bin!

OP posts:

Anomaly · 03/07/2014 15:11

You shouldn't have to do anything talking should be enough. My DH was the same but I posted here and I'm fairly sure he read it and the replies. After that and a massive argument things have improved a lot. He now does something like his fair share. If he stops it will be counseling for us.

HecatePropylaea · 03/07/2014 16:17

I didn't know which bin?

HOW do you not laugh in his face?

I didn't know which bin. Pathetic. Really, it is.

WHY does he not know which bin? That's the question. How can he not know about such basic things in his own home?

Original poster

oxfordmumma1 · 03/07/2014 22:03

It was glass so didn't know if it could be recycled.

OP posts:

Montegomongoose · 03/07/2014 23:43

Put all the shit he leaves around under the duvet on his side of the bed.

Parrot exactly what he says to the kids to him, in front of them, substituting 'sofa' and 'floor' for 'garden'

Collect his crap and put it all on the driving seat of his car after he's gone to bed.

Tell him you're suing his mother for irresponsibly bringing him up.

Collect all his shit and distribute it to the homeless and charities (my own DM's strategy. Only needs doing once.)

Get a butler and housemaid. One to clear the stuff away and one eye candy for you while you do your nails.

samithesausage · 04/07/2014 06:57

I would second the suggestion of anything of his that's lying around, bin bag up. Don't throw it away, put it in the garage/loft/shed. When he gets down to two odd socks and a pair of holey pants, he may ask where everything has gone.

FunkyBoldRibena · 04/07/2014 07:07

Walk him to the recycling bins and point out the glass one...playing dumb and pretending to forget, you need to be one step ahead of him and preempt the playing dumbness.

redexpat · 04/07/2014 07:12

Empty i salute you

dontevenblink · 04/07/2014 07:20

Unfortunately OP I could have written your post... I really feel your pain.

DH never puts his rubbish in the bins, he'll have crisps or choc etc. in the evening and then will just leave the empty wrappers on the side table, obviously assuming I will pick it up, also does this with tissues - yuk. He is also incapable of putting anything he uses into the dishwasher. And as for his clothes, he will put some of it in the washbasket, otherwise it is just left where it falls...

I do see it as my own fault to a certain extent as I do put the stuff in the bin, pick up his clothes etc and wash them, put stuff in the dishwasher as otherwise the house would look a mess, and I think it just makes him do it even more... I've now started bringing it up whenever he does it, especially the dishwasher, and the dc have even started teasing him about just leaving his clothes on the floor! He does get grumpy with me when I bring it up, but I am past caring now...

I think I'm going to brave it and just stop washing the clothes as suggested, and just push it all into a corner next to his bed. Then when the inevitable 'I haven't got any clean shirts' comes in I can point to the mountain

Original poster

oxfordmumma1 · 04/07/2014 09:17

The thing is I don't wash the clothes. He than dumps them all in te washbasket in one go. Think I wil, be having another word.
I have done the nobody ever puts things in the bin in front of him. He changes for a day or two. Last night we had a crisp packet and glass again.

OP posts:

AMumInScotland · 04/07/2014 11:42

It shouldn't be your job to clear up after him, and it also shouldn't be your job to nag him about clearing up after himself.

But...

If sensible talking doesn't work, I'd be tempted to get into narky nagging mode and remind him every single evening to put the glass into the dishwasher and the crisp packet into the bin. And to go find him every time you see something lying on the bedroom floor and tell him to go pick it up and put it away or into the washing basket.

You shouldn't have to. And I would crack and start shouting and threatening to leave if he didn't start showing me some respect, if it took more than about 3 days to get results. But sometimes I think it takes that level of constant nagging to get some people to notice that there's a problem and it isn't going to magically stop being a problem by him ignoring it.

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