...to feel miffed my friend keeps blowing me out?

[joosiewoosie]

I have a mummy friend who I was very close with when our nearly 2 year olds were babies. We used to meet a couple of times a week. A couple of months ago, I noticed a cooling off on her part and I took the hint and saw her on her terms. (I think this was after I couldn't 'jump' to her request that she uses my Costco card with me the next day, as I already had other arrangements). However, 2 weeks in a row now, she has asked to meet up for a stroll with our toddlers, but then blown me out. (We do seem to get on, and our toddlers adore each other).

What makes it worse was that I only found out I was kicked to the kerb when I text her on the morning of our meet the first time, and the day before, again when I text to check arrangements, this time. The first time she was 'tired' - that was ok with me as I'm in 1st trimester and a little tired myself! This time, she said she's going to see her brother and friend in another county.

It feels as though she made one arrangement with me, saw a more appealing opportunity and booked it, not even thinking I might be hurt or offended. Add to this, she is always 'busy', here there and everywhere seeing all her friends, I can't, (and actually, don't want to,) keep up. I'm much more of a reserved, few close friends kind of person than a social butterfly! (I even have trouble keeping up with fast moving threads on here! )

I feel a bit ignored and unimportant if I'm honest. I accept that as our little people grow and change, so will our friendship, but right now, I'm a bit sore about it. I sent her a text last night to check arrangements, when she told me, so I sent another saying 'I'm working really hard to not be paranoid that you keep blowing me out! You are such a social butterfly I can't keep up!'. I wanted to let her know that I felt a little neglected, but not be aggressive. I wished her a fun visit and mentioned how nice her other friend seemed when I met her once a year ago, and asked her to wish her well for me. I know that she read my text (it's on WhatsApp and you can tell from the time last read stamp) but she's now ignoring me. No response at all.

So am I being over sensitive with regard to this friend? Are pregnancy hormones making me over-think the situation and feel it more intensely than perhaps I should? Was my text unreasonable or rude?

As I write today, I'm feeling a little tearful (definitely hormones!), but I don't want hormones to mess things up for me. Be balanced please. I've a scan tomorrow, and I started to miscarry this time last pregnancy, so I know that's on my mind making me feel anxious. This is why I need you lot to be my balanced, rational and non-anxious brain please. Thanks.

Hi, this is happening to me too and I've made so many excuses as to why but am now thinking that my friend is really not who I thought she was and am accepting the situation as it is, but It really hurts.

Our girls (3yrs old) were so close, we went to parks/soft play/swimming etc then I noticed different people cropping up on her fb talking about days/nights out they had when she told me she was "busy"
I've given up trying now and think that she will need me before I need her, I have other friends but felt our friendship was really special, especially with our girls being so close too.

Don't let her know you're bothered and upset by this and concentrate on your dd and new baby, congratulations! You need to relax during your pregnancy and could do without this stress.
She is clearly not worth it.

Your text was good, IMO - quite frank but not aggressive. But I don't think WhatsApp tells you if the message has been read? (I understood it that one little tick means the message has reached the server and the second one means it's been delivered.)

Anyway, you're not being over-sensitive. Worst case is she's "punishing" you for the Costco incident, but more likely she's just thinking you won't be too put out if she cancels arrangements. Either way I wouldn't be investing too much time in the relationship unless she puts in a bit more effort. Hopefully you'll have other people to socialise with and help you keep positive at this worrying time.

Joosie, don't worry, things like this happen all the time. Friendships change and it's no reflection on you as a person.

You've been upfront about it and said how you feel in a nice way so you've done all you could. If she doesn't reply you've got your answer. If she does then maybe she just didnt realise the effect it was having on you.

Personally I get annoyed with people who make arrangements then bail, that's not the kind of friend I want. So you'll be better off finding less fairweather friends.

tbh I don't think you can really expect her to not go on a day visit to family just because you had agreed to go for a walk.

If I had received that text I would probably feel a bit upset and definitely wouldn't respond immediately. The social butterfly but to me is a bit passive aggressive I think, the first part is clear and upfront though.

At the risk of stating the bleeding obvious you need to find more friends and stop relying so much on one.

although if you only found out when you texted her that is off. She should have texted you without promoting when she knew she wasn't going to be able to make it

You sound nice, she sounds flaky and a bit of a user. I would quietly drop her, shes more hassle than shes worth.

I'd be upset too, but you've put the ball in her court by that text, so now her response will make everything crystal clear. Fingers crossed for you that she will respond positively.

I wouldn't have sent that text. I would have waited until you actually do manage to meet up and talk to her face-to-face.

I don't think you can call someone flaky or a user based on cancelling two arrangements.

Croydon - the alternative last night was to ignore her text completely and it think that'd would definitely have been passive aggressive and not what I want for our friendship at all!
I tried to be as balanced as I could!

I wouldn't respond to that message if I received it to be honest. I'm someone who gets quite stifled by people sometimes and need my own space. I have one particular friend who wants to do things together ALL THE TIME. It's quite draining. In the end we sat down and had a chat about it and I told her that although she is very dear to me, I just don't need to see people every day. She needs people around as she doesn't enjoy her own company so much. So once we talked that through (neither is right or wrong - just different people) she has made more of an effort to make new friends. So we are both happier, and of course, still friends!
Passive aggressiveness is a major turnoff.

It's only been twice, once for family and once because of tiredness which isn't her dropping you for a more exiting opportunity. Neither is being a social butterfly. You meet quite often so there's bound to be other things that come up. I'd just have texted back to say fine have a nice time and found something else to do. She may become more unreliable and it sounds like she irks you in other ways so I'd just ease off a little and not take it personally.

I would feel a bit pressurised by your reaction to two cancelled meet ups and if I'm honest a bit criticised by your text. Do you think your hormones are changing the way you'd normally react? Try not to think about it for a bit as you've got enough on your plate and don't need extra stress. Hope your scan goes well.

Thank you. Your responses have helped me see both sides.

I think I'll leave thinking about it anymore for the moment and 'see what comes out in the wash.' If our friendship is important to us both, maybe we'll talk it through another time, and if not, there's the answer.
Thanks for your time in answering.

Do you feel that you are actually friends? Or just friends because you both happened to have children at about the same time? Were you friends prior to having children or meet as a result?

I am just wondering because I have ended up socialising with people because we happened to be in the same parentcraft club when I had my first. I got on ok with them but all we had in common was we all happened to reproduce at the same time which turned out to simply not be enough in itself to sustain an actual friendship.

Fast forward 15 years and I can't even remember their names and I very much doubt they will remember mine.

It wasn't that there was anything wrong with them. They were perfectly nice people. It's just that they weren't really my friends and we had little in common and even less to talk about (apart from the babies and all things baby related ) and although we all tried, it just wasn't enough to create a friendship in the long term.

I just wondered, because you called her your 'mummy friend', whether it could be the same sort of thing, either on your part or on hers.

Ok, balanced opinion:

1. I don't think the cancelling is the problem. I think the problem is her not letting you know before you 'chased her up'. I doubt it is personal though. I think if she's initiated these meet ups, she's probably a little flakey especially if she's taken a lot on and likes having lots of friends.

1. I don't think your text was appropriate at all. It comes across a bit stalker-ish (in a 'trying-to-be-lighthearted way). Both sentences really. I wouldn't know what to respond to that.

How could you have responded to her text blowing you out? Just say, "ok then, let me know when you're next free. dd misses your dd."

I'm with HecatePropylaea - these things happen very regularly during the kid years, it's not even personal.

Particularly when there is some transition - house move, kids go to different nurseries, then schools, then secondaries - it's normal that life gets busy and friendships change for the parents as much as the children.

I personally think that while hugely fun and supportive, the mummy friends I've made over the years tend to be more transitory than the friends I've made in circumstances not related to children. Not always but mostly. The people in my antenatal group kept me sane at times and yet I see none of them regularly at all (but I like them all lots though!).

I know it hurts but it's going to happen more and more sadly as your child grows older.