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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

In saying his ex isn't BU

19 replies

Jesaya · 03/07/2014 00:06

So male friend said tonight that he spoke to his ex about his girlfriend collecting DS for visitation.

His DS live 200 miles away. They have been together a year and his DS gets on well with girlfriend.

Ex said no she doesn't feel comfortable handing her DS over to someone she's never met.

He has his son 1 week out of 7.

I don't think his ex IBU he does.

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Original poster

Jesaya · 03/07/2014 00:06

His son is just coming up for 4

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Original poster

Jesaya · 03/07/2014 00:08

He also asked my opinion I didn't just volunteer it.

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Bogeyface · 03/07/2014 00:10

No she isnt BU.

Had she met the GF, if he had him more often, if it wasnt such a long distance then ok. But I wouldnt be ok with this.

Why do some NRPs not see that the child is a person with feelings, fears and needs and not just something to be transported?! If he wanted to his DC that much then why doesnt he make the trip himself?

And 1 week in 7? Why does he bother?

PedlarsSpanner · 03/07/2014 00:11

If he cba to collect one week out of seven he's a pretty poor specimen

Original poster

Jesaya · 03/07/2014 00:13

The one week is seven is due to various circumstances that can't be avoided just now and he really does adore his son.

However the rest I agree with you on. I had to tell him I wouldn't discuss it further with him because it was getting heated. I'm a single mum and told him in no uncertain terms that it wouldn't happen with my DD.

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Bogeyface · 03/07/2014 00:15

And why would the GF be ok picking up a child from a mother she has never met? I wouldnt want that responsibility!

Bogeyface · 03/07/2014 00:15

Why is she picking him up and not him?

Original poster

Jesaya · 03/07/2014 00:17

Also he has collected till now but due to work he can't collect till 3 if his girlfriend did it it would mean him being at his for 12 so he "could spend longer with him". I understand the theory but it doesn't change my opinion. Practically I just don't think it's fair on anyone (except him)

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PeachyParisian · 03/07/2014 00:17

Why can't he pick up his own DC? I wouldn't hand over my child to a woman i'd never met!
What the father does with his son and who he sees when he is in his care is beyond the control of the Ex, but she can (and rightly so) choose who she hands over her child to.

Bogeyface · 03/07/2014 00:34

3 hours over a week?

No, still on Team Ex!

Bogeyface · 03/07/2014 00:35

Had it been a weekend then maybe, but even then I would have my doubts given that the ex hasnt met the GF.

WanderingAway · 03/07/2014 07:31

HIBU

How can he think that it is ok for his child to be handed over to a stranger, because the ex hasnt met the new girlfriend she is a stranger to her.

Littlef00t · 03/07/2014 08:13

1 week in 7 could he not book a half day? Would be less than a weeks annual leave overall.

Original poster

Jesaya · 03/07/2014 09:22

His argument is that his ex has their boyfriend live with her and that he doesn't know him. As I explained to him he is in the same boat their with his own girlfriend and ex has been fine about that.

I explained for me why I personally wouldn't allow it to happen with my DD for example it really could be anyone at the door as I don't know girlfriend, I don't know how competent a driver she is and even if she is a competent driver normally, driving with a 4 year old for a long period of time is a different kettle of fish. There would be no proper handover between parents to catch up on any issues, pass over any medication if on antibiotics which is often the case with this little boy because of repeat ear infections, have a general chat about any changes. A lot can change in 7 weeks. The list went on.

I tried but he just wouldn't see it from her point of view and insisted on labelling her difficult, bitter, controlling and jealous. He really pissed me off hence refusing to discuss it further with him. Glad it's not just me that think his ex is completely right for her feelings.

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WanderingAway · 03/07/2014 11:25

Reading your last post I think he could have a point.

How much childcare does the boyfriend do? Would the ex allow her boyfriend to do handovers? Maybe now is a good time for them all to meet each other.

Original poster

Jesaya · 03/07/2014 18:50

I honestly don't know if he does childcare neither does my friend but no he has not ever done the handover.

His ex isn't saying she can't be involved it's only the collection alone she's said no too.

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Itsfab · 03/07/2014 18:57

The fact he doesn't know his exes boyfriend is irrelevant as he is not about to drive the child a long way but why does he not know the boyfriend given that he goes to the house once in a blue moon to collect his child? I get the impression the boyfriend lives with the mother.

mommy2ash · 03/07/2014 19:02

if he was seeing his son more regularly I would agree with him if the son had been spending time with the girlfriend and seemed to like her

it is because so much time has passed since the previous visit I agree with his ex. the child might not be comfortable with being in a car alone for so long with someone he sees nearly every two months. if they have been together a year then that is only six visits the son has met her assuming she was introduced quite quickly.

Original poster

Jesaya · 03/07/2014 19:39

He doesn't know the boyfriend because the time he usually does the pick up is when her boyfriend plays for his football team so it's not like they have actively avoided meeting just that it hasn't ever happened.

Like I said, I really do understand where he is coming from but I don't think he's looking at the situation realistically or very fairly. Apparently his ex said that she would let her boyfriend do a journey like that alone with her son either.

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Flip