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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I may be but dont think I am...

19 replies

fortheloveofmike · 02/07/2014 08:12

Long story short... my mum and dad split up over 6 years ago married a long time. Not amicable as he met someone else but did try and stay to keep everyone happy (not us)
Fast forward to now.. they are divorced which was very messy and caused huge probs in the family.
We have our childs birthday coming up and for the last 6 years we have bent ourselves double and arranged it so that they never met.. its been tricky at times to say the least . So aibu to say this year there is a party and both are invited and its up to them what they do? Am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
Minisoksmakehardwork · 02/07/2014 08:14

Your parents are adults and should be able to behave as such. It's up to them to decide whether they can be polite in each other's company and therefore attend their grand child's birthday party. Or if they cannot, they shouldn't come and make their own arrangements to visit another time.

You can't keep carrying the weight of your parents issues on your shoulders.

OorWullie · 02/07/2014 08:15

No, if they end up miasing out because they can't at least ignore each other or be civil for one day it is their own doing.

It has been six years and it's not up to you to manage their relationship with each other.

Only1scoop · 02/07/2014 08:15

Yanbu at all. Sounds like years of having to stress over occasions that should be joyous. They are both welcome....the rest is up to them.

naturalbaby · 02/07/2014 08:17

YANBU. Have you spoken to either of them about it?

Original poster
fortheloveofmike · 02/07/2014 08:21

Wow thanks.. its been bloody hard work so was hooing this time I could leave them to it. I shall be saying to them that there is a party at such and such time and they everyone will be there. Will leave it at that and if they want to ask if the other will be coming then up to them.
Have had enough of pussyfooting around it all...
Thank you all!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
fortheloveofmike · 02/07/2014 08:21

Apologies for mistakes.. bloody phone with its bloody teeny keys

OP posts:
ithoughtofitfirst · 02/07/2014 08:42

YANBU.

The fact they can't get along sucks for them but it's not your problem.

bedraggledmumoftwo · 02/07/2014 08:47

Yanbu, my mil doesn't speak to her mother but whenever there is a kids party we just invite both and they have to behave themselves for it. Could do without the melodrama before and after, but we cant get the kids christened twice or not invite one just because they cant get on!

Tory79 · 02/07/2014 08:50

It is rubbish. My parents divorced 23 years ago and my dad, who has been happily remarried for the last 16 years STILL won't go anywhere near my mum. Drives me potty. THey last saw each other at my brothers wedding, 8 years ago, He didn't come to mine, didn't come to ds first birthday either.

His loss.

coralgrimes · 02/07/2014 09:03

YANBU . They should be able to put up with each other for yours and GC sake.

I'm in a similar situation. MIL and SIL do not speak and we got our dd bday coming up and DP has told MIL that SIL and DNs will be there and they can put up with it for a couple hours or don't come at all

Original poster
fortheloveofmike · 02/07/2014 09:03

I just know that my dad will end up backing out as hes the one who always misses everything as my mum would go mad if she wasnt at the party..
He just wants us to have a lovely day but we want him involved too.. Guess I just have to leave them to it

OP posts:
TOADfan · 02/07/2014 09:07

My friend and her mum are very close but she's refusing to go to her wedding because her dad will be there and giving her away.

Only1scoop · 02/07/2014 09:09

Can you talk to your mum....explain you really want him there for ds.
Childs parties don't go on for hours....
It's awkward for you.

TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle · 02/07/2014 09:11

Yanbu! My dh's parents didn't speak for 27 years after an acrimonious divorce (he left her for ow). When we got married, we told them they were both invited but only welcome if they could be civil to each other.

They were. And it was fine. And now they've been civil at a number of events. They will never be friends but they know our ground rules if they want to attend our family events!

Original poster
fortheloveofmike · 02/07/2014 09:16

All the talking in the world wont help.. itll just be all about how hard it is for her..
No im gonna do what I said and thats that. The day is about our childs birthday nothing else Smile

OP posts:
CrapBag · 02/07/2014 10:42

It sounds like it is your mum that is more the problem?

Can't you tell her to grow up for one day because you want your child's DGF to join in with his birthday as well? Can you not tell her that she will not be included if she is going to make things awkward?

"The day is about our childs birthday nothing else" exactly! Shame your mum doesn't think like that.

Original poster
fortheloveofmike · 02/07/2014 11:22

Nail on head CrapBag...
Will make a start on planning a lovely party and what will be will be... I just wanted to be sure I wasn't BU by expecting to have 1 party this year on 1 day and not 2 different ones

OP posts:
CrapBag · 04/07/2014 09:38

Nope, you are definitely NBU to want that. Don't pander to it by doing it separately anymore and let your mum get on with it.

If she starts creating a scene, take her quietly to one side, tell her she is spoiling her DGC's birthday and she either sucks it up for an hour or so or can leave.

Good luck.

lola88 · 04/07/2014 11:37

I have 1 party my dad never comes his loss I tell kids the truth Granda was invited but didn't come. IMO if you don't love my child enough to put your issues aside for a couple of hours they are better off withot you.

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