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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Treatment of SEN

63 replies

Isthisright1 · 01/07/2014 20:47

Not sure if I'm right or wrong so posting to see what the general view on this is. Have NC to protect identities.
AIBU to think that a child with SEN (ASD) should not effectively be ignored? Have recently witnessed over some time a child basically being treated like they are invisible and never engaged with in any way.
This child throws things, nobody says anything they pick the stuff up, she breaks things they just shout no to her, spoils things, the same. Lies on floor and is ignored completely, sits by door or window and is ignored. No attempt made at any interaction at all.
It seems to be a case of clean up/clear up whatever is disrupted but act as if the poor child is invisible and huff and puff in her direction like its all so difficult. She is spoken about within earshot as if she is nothing but a nuisance and it is not nice.

At first glance it does seem like the problems are very severe and there is little eye contact/communication but the other day I said hello to her and she had eye contact with me. She threw a load of pens and I picked them up then put them back on the table and said "let's leave them there now" smiled and she went to throw them but put them down then sat next to me, and sang the alphabet song.
I don't know who to raise this with but I think this little girl could really benefit from somebody making an effort with her.

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 01/07/2014 21:08

I think instinct is always worth listening to, and if you are uncomfortable with a situation then it could be that there is a reason for that. There might not be anything wrong, hopefully there isn't, but I'd rather be someone who was seen as interfering than someone who was turning a blind eye to a child being treated badly.

People being made to feel like they are interfering and being told they should mind their own business is what allows neglect and abuse to continue.

ouryve · 01/07/2014 21:09

And, YANBU. It's absolutely wrong if she's constantly ignored by staff.

It's hard to say what to do about it, because if she was my child I would be furious to find that she'd just been left to her own devices and not spending any significant time in the care of a key worker. But then, if she was my child, I'd need to know that she was being properly cared for.

marne2 · 01/07/2014 21:09

Sad how sad that they don't seem to know how to interact with her! they probably find it easier to let her do what she likes and plod along on her own rather than reading up on Autism and helping the poor child. I'm so glad that my dd had the right nursery setting which gave her a great start to life, sadly it doesn't happen often enough and kids miss out on help early on.

Levantine · 01/07/2014 21:13

This is terrible. I don't know what I would do in your situation but I think you are right to be concerned. Talking about a child negatively in front of them is unacceptable. Do you know how much longer she is likely to be in that setting? Might she be going to school soon?

goats · 01/07/2014 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

marne2 · 01/07/2014 21:16

I would try and get friendly with the child's mother and then tell her what you saw, if my child was being ignored I would want to know, I often rely on other parents and children to tell me what goes on in class at school as my dd can't tell me.

Original poster
Isthisright1 · 01/07/2014 21:19

I'm not sure if she is three or four. I wouldn't know what to say to the parents, considering how they are with her I think it would break their hearts. Nearly breaks mine seeing her lying on the floor today, tears down her face being stepped over and ignored.
I might speak to the nursery manager and just say I know its not my place to be involved with another child's care but I've noticed the lack of interaction/way she is spoken about, tutted about and all the huffing and puffing about behaviour and that I don't feel it is right or fair.

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 01/07/2014 21:24

Oh goodness - please tell them. Wouldn't you want to know?

hazeyjane · 01/07/2014 21:25

Does the child have a 1-1?

I think you must talk to the parents, I would need to know.

Levantine · 01/07/2014 21:25

Actually, reading your second post I agree with marne, although I understand it is easier said than done. I would want to know. Could you just start to get friendly with them for a start?

Original poster
Isthisright1 · 01/07/2014 21:27

Yes, I would want to know. No idea how to tell them though.

OP posts:
FunkyFlanFlinger · 01/07/2014 21:27

Tell the parents immediately. The chances are that although this little girl is sitting quietly looking out of the window, inside her is complete and utter turmoil. ASD children are geniuses at "facades" it is how the often cope with being in a room with other people, some will linger at the back perhaps looking at a book..

Good grief, I would have gone completely mental....

I have two ASD children, and frankly, they are not allowed any behaviour like that. Never, ever entertained it... But then some people are different when it is their own child, it is like they cannot see how amazing, unique and capable an ASD child is. Breaks my heart.

FFF x

sammythemummy · 01/07/2014 21:27

Please speak with her parents!! I'm sure they'll be greatful.

I find a lot of TA's don't have the appropriate experience in dealing with problematic behaviours...I say that as an ex TA myself.

Poor poor girl

Original poster
Isthisright1 · 01/07/2014 21:28

No, no 1:1. There are issues at the nursery hence me being there to be 1:1 for my own child so really I shouldn't be surprised at this.

OP posts:
Levantine · 01/07/2014 21:28

The thing is, this will be doing damage to that child's mental health that the parents will have to unpick - with little or no support - further down the line. They do need to know (I have a dc with asd btw)

Longtalljosie · 01/07/2014 21:29

Tell them straight. Hang around outside the door until they leave and say you need to have a word with them. Then tell them what you told us. Don't forget to include the stepping over her Angry

Levantine · 01/07/2014 21:29

Sorry cross posts, don't mean to go on at you!

miffybun73 · 01/07/2014 21:30

So very sad, you must tell her parents.

WaveorCheer · 01/07/2014 21:30

If that was my DS, I would absolutely, unequivocally want to know.

Original poster
Isthisright1 · 01/07/2014 21:31

Half of me wondered was I wrong. After all I have no childcare qualifications, little knowledge of ASD or how it is treated but I just feel an overwhelming sadness that there is no interaction and a gut feeling that they just can't be bothered.
I will try to start up a conversation with her mum and go from there.

OP posts:
marne2 · 01/07/2014 21:34

Please tell them, they will be upset but at least they can then do something about it, I would appreciate being told, it's important that a child of that age gets the appropriate help and support because that's the age where they are likely to make the most progress, most likely to talk and improve their communication skills, being ignored is washing precious time Sad. My daughter was non verbal at the age of 3, she then went to nursery ( 3 days at a sn nursery and 2 days at a ms nursery ), she received a lot of support in the way of therapy at the sn nursery and support to improve social skills in ms nursery, without that in place I dread to think where she would be today.

marne2 · 01/07/2014 21:36

And if your child also has sn's I would be tempted to look for another nursery Sad.

MissOtisRegretsMadam · 01/07/2014 21:39

Op I really would write it up and express it as a concern to whoever is in charge, keep a copy to pass on to someone higher if they don't act on it. You may be the only person who will speak up for this child. Will you be leaving your child there alone at some point?

Original poster
Isthisright1 · 01/07/2014 21:40

My dd is leaving in three weeks, she needs the social interaction but I stay as she also has medical needs that unfortunately although training given were not met adequately (luckily for us it was immediately evident her needs were not being met) she goes to school in sep and will have the 1:1 she needs.
I will speak to the parents, they need to know you are right.

OP posts:
MissOtisRegretsMadam · 01/07/2014 21:44

Well done op ... I bet some of the other staff don't agree with the treatment either, it takes courage to challenge people who are perceived as "the experts"

I would speak to the parents but also put it in writing to the local authority or whoever provides the funding for this setting. It needs to be taken seriously and the setting may just fob the parent off, a formal complaint will have to be looked into.