Advice please! ��

[jen89]

Hiya im going to try and explain as much as possible, I stopped access with my eldest sons Dad when he was 3 the reason for this is he was taking drugs owed drug money to people and would never turn up to pick his child up after many, many chances. His "Father" never once tried to get back into contact since I stopped him he moved on looks like he has sorted his life out went on to have two further children. My eldest is 7 now cut a long story short I am with my partner who I have been with since my eldest was 2 he has brought him up as if he is his own! Im a so thankful and appreciate that so much we now aslo have a 17 month old my two boys get on so well we live as a family in our own home! Last saturday my eldests "Father" stopped us outside a resturnate as we where about to go in bear in mind my son has not seen him in for nealry 4 years! Lets just say I was absolutly fuming inside by this, My eldest got upset when he left and said he wants to see him again what was fine by me because i have always said if he wants to see him now he is older I would not stop access because he has his own mind now and he is very mature for his age. Later that night my eldest got upset and said he wasnt sure if he wants to see him I sais thats fine the choice is yours! The next night he called me from hos bed saying he needs to talk and said the answer is no to seeing Paul he called him by his name not Dad I said okay if you change your mind let me know and I will get intouch with him! Well paul is txting my phone I have asked him to stop doing this and I will get intouch with him if he wants to see him or talk to him! i do not want to talk to Paul till my eldest wants to know him again am I being nasty alot has gone on in the past I dont want to go into that oh and now he is threating a solicitor!! Im not stopping access though he said No to seeing him thats not my fault I cant force him!! Im so angry and upset by it how dare he expect miracles when he never exsisted in my childs life! Thanks for reading

Bumping for you.

It is a difficult situation, but if your ex did take it to court he may very well get some sort of access, even if it is indirect/ at a contact centre.

At seven your son is to young for a unilateral decision to be made on their wishes alone.

Sorry should have said that maybe you could ask him to do a drug test to see if he is now clean?

I don't think this is a decision for a 7 year old to make. His wishes need to be taken into account but it is for you and your ex to sort this out between you. Its too much responsibility for a child.

Don't put the decision on your son. My 'dad' was a drug addict and my mum made the decision to keep him away from me. It was the best decision she ever made for me. He was not a good influence and had too many issues to even consider what a child needed.

If your ex can prove he's clean, has his life together etc, then make contact an option? If he doesn't have a safe place for your son to sleep or play and is still involved with drugs, then he obviously doesn't care that much about seeing him. Why now? Why does he want him after four years? Has he been paying maintenance? Has he done anything for your DS?

I few things to consider-
Never discuss child's dad while the child is in earshot.
As others have said do not put the decision on your child's shoulders whether to see his dad or not.
Definitely ask for a drug test before ever making the choice that your child should be in touch with his father.

Your DS doesn't have the skills or understanding to make this decision. He (hopefully) doesn't know what a drug addict is, what dangers lie in owing money to dealers or how to tell if someone is clean. That is your job.

You need to find out about your ex's current lifestyle and work out whether and how it is appropriate and safe for your DS to see him.

You need to be seen to put your DS's needs and his right to have contact with his father first and that doesn't mean just doing what an uninformed 7YO says he wants. He doesn't know his dad from Adam so he doesn't know what he is rejecting.

Whether your ex has paid maintenance or kept in touch doesn't change your DS's right to form a relationship with his father if that is in his best interests. If his dad is clean and leading a stable life, it is in your DS's interests to see him.

If your ex pursues this he may be awarded contact in a format you are not happy with. Better to arrange it yourself, through a contact centre or supervised by a family member if necessary.

Remember, this is about your son's right to a relationship with both of his parents, not about the rights of the adults.

If you have any concerns, keep a diary of contact and other interactions with your ex so you have evidence for the court just in case.

No I have had no money for 5 years now I hace not asked for any either of him

Thanks x

But he is 7 he knows what he wants so what if I sort access out and my son still does not wont to go I feel that is forcing him, that is wha confuses me x

My son says he can remember him he was 3 the last time he seen him, I just not sure if the best decision is to sort access out and then he still does not what to go what would I do then x

This must be very tough for you but can I make a suggestion?

Ignore the texts. Let him go to a solicitor. Detach completely for now. If your ex wishes to go to court, so be it. Mediation may be a very good route to take.

Go to court, get it all official, and then make your ex pay for his biological child.

I have three things to say,

1. 7 is FAR to young to have the decision thrust onto him,

2. neither you nor DS have the power to make the decision anyway. Your ex can either force a contact arrangement, or walk away, and you can't do anything about either, so please don't tell your child he has the power or authority to make a decision, when he doesn't

3. Your ex is likely to be able to get contact awarded through the courts.

I agree, mediation is the way to go, you need proper formalised access arrangements in pace, ven if thee ex doesn't bother to turn up

Ignore the texts. Let him make the effort to go to a solicitor or mediation if he wants to make a regular contact arrangement. If Paul wants contact let him know that any contact arrangement is subject to proof that he is now clean of drugs and living a stable life, and that you would be happy to meet him in mediation to make an appropriate arrangement, starting with short supervised contact and going from there. Focus on the future not the past. Is your son in touch with his grandparents etc? Can you get the information to find out whether contact is likely to be safe and good for your son?
Your son is understandably confused and you're going to need to decide what you think is best. (better to arrange contact you're reasonably happy with than to have him go for a court order, but if you think contact is a risk for your son prefer to fight for a no-contact order)

what if I sort access out and my son still does not wont to go

You facilitate the access in such a way that you're supporting your son as he gets to know his father. Obviously you only do this as long as his father is clean, behaving appropriately, committed to a long term arrangement and able to keep him safe.

There's no law that says that contact can't be with you present while you all get to know each other again.

Hiya thanks for all replys I appreciate your advice when I was first talking to Paul he was all for let my eldest decide give him time as soon as I said he said no for now but I will get in contact when he comes and asks me, well thats when Paul turned nasty threatning me with court! No the "Grandparents havent bothered with my son at all neither has his "Auntie. I think I would rather mediation first then if he does let him down atleast someone professional can see it. My thoughts are wait and see if paul does try and go to court to get access and then I would be willing to do mediation but I am not making the first move when Paul might not be 100 % in it and my son hasnt mentioned it again is that wrong of me? X

I think you have made the right decision.