Would you leave if your dh never said anything nice to you and also refused to name you as co-owner on deeds to house?

[tisrainingagain]

Just that really. There is a back story which I have told before, but without going in to all of that and the ins and outs of our relationship problems, would this be a deal breaker for you?

Wow, after reading that long post of yours the details kind of seem irrelevant now. You seem very very unhappy with him, and that's reason enough to leave!

Leaving is a big decision and you sound paralysed with indecision eg about working, about your relationship.
Your depression, anxiety and inertia might be alleviated by leaving (if your dh is your main source of stress). Could you see a counsellor? It might help you to feel more confident in your decisions and you could use sessions to create a plan to build a life that energises rather than drains you.

(your dh sounds EA from your longer post. Living with someone like that is incredibly damaging to your self-esteem)

Thank you. The thing is I went to counselling for two years by myself and h and I also went for about 4 or 5 sessions together until he reckoned I mislead the counsellor about how much money I got every month. Which I did I would only have done inadvertently and we could have discussed it with her, but that's the thing, he takes everything very personally, is very defensive and often misinterprets things.

I've looked at your other thread.

You've been married for YEARS and you've become SAHM and done all the childcare.

The house is a marital asset whether he likes it or not and whether your name is on it or not.

So what I would do is go to a solicitor, outline the facts (length of marriage, how house was bought etc.) and ask their opinion on what you'd be entitled to if you split.

After over a decade of marriage and bringing up three children, it's not going to be much less than half! And if you were to split, there's a good chance that YOU would be the person staying in the house at least until your youngest was 18, after which the house would be split and the proceeds sold.

You've contributed just as much to your joint lives and their expenses - both seen and unseen - as him. Fact.

What I would do after seeing the solicitor is register your interest in the house. Then I would sit your H down and tell him that he either a. puts your name on the deeds and b. starts treating you with a little fucking RESPECT, or you will file for divorce and - on the advice of the solicitor that you have already visited, will be expecting either to stay in the home OR get a substantial portion of the proceeds once it is sold. Because the fucking house is YOURS TOO, ALREADY!!

Do you say nice things to your DH OP?

Yes I agree that the house is mine too Bruno and have told h this, but to take the steps you outline (I have considered registering my interest at the land registry) would be like a red rag to a bull. Also I suppose that if my whole stance is that h doesn't trust me but should, it is weird to threaten divorce in the next breath (which I do sometimes feel like doing and which has been spoken of in the past to which h has told me to "fuck off then").
I would say nice things to him chicken but I am often seething at the last horrible thing he has said to me or how little attention I get (he reckons I am asking for stuff all the time, like a child - he spends his evenings glued to his computer but reckons I am always on my phone (on the computer) ). My basic character would be to be a lot more easily affectionate.

It sounds as though he deliberately misinterprets things to cause maximum upset. That's not misinterpreting - it's manipulation. Couples counselling isn't recommended in an EA relationship so it's not that surprising that it didn't work for you both. I'm sorry your individual counselling didn't help.

Speaking to CAB or a solicitor is a good idea. I don't where you are but the legal situation is different depending on whether you are in England or Scotland so a solicitor/CAB would be best placed to advise you on your legal status regarding the house.

Thank you. I did go a see a solicitor a few months ago (sorry for the drip feed) who made me feel quite positive in the sense that I then realised that the law looks after both parties and that after an 18 year relationship (the six years before marriage count as well as apparently as we were living together), I do have a lot of rights in terms of not being thrown out without a penny!! I went to see her because it was after a terrible rough patch and I wanted to inform myself and feel more positive. Which it did help to do - the solicitor was very positive and obviously on my side (paid to do this I know) which felt good.

In reality however I would like to feel like co-author of events and for h and I to be affectionate to each other.

I live in England.

i do not think this man loves you I think he is treating you like his first wife and is sort of creating a self forfilling propechy by treating you in the same manner.

I believe when people commit to each other and give each other - esp women the men the best years of their lives they deserve to be looked after to a degree when that arrangement comes to an end.

It sounds right to me that he got a small flat and his ex with the child go thte house.

I do not think this man loves you I honestly do not think he is capable of it because he cannot see you as a separate person.

Sorry for typos.

Yes I agree regarding the separate person thing . There certainly is a degree of narcissism to him.

I think the deeds/house and how you get on together are two separate things. Have you tried the "let's have a new start, I really appreciate everything you do for our family, be nice to him thing?" if he still isn't nice after a few months you need a plan of what you want to do.

I didn't think the deeds thing is important in itself. As said above, you already have a good legal claim to your share in the house.

Aside from that, it seems the two of you have grown apart and are not making each other happy. You have made various attempts at reconciliation, and have failed.

It seems to me that the marriage has ended in all but the legal sense, and you might now be looking at how you can separate with the minimum negative effect on your children - bearing in mind that they will already be picking up on the strained relations between their parents.

Re. the new start idea, I am so often sidetracked by feeling hurt that I can't see past this. Forgot to say that another of the things h said yesterday was that he can't put me on the deeds as I often go kind of crazy or lose the plot (words to that effect). This is when we have had terrible rough patches and I have thought we should separate. H's whole stance is basically very blaming.

Ok it was just a suggestion. After 18 years with someone I think I would give it one more 6 month try. I would go for
trying a computer/phone ban in the evenings to see if you can reconnect and communicate with each other without screaming and swearing at each other.
I am trying to see it from both sides.

tisraining reading your OP again and your other thread, it doesn't really matter if I would leave my dh because of the deeds or because he wasn't nice to me. What matters is that you seem to have reached the end of your tether with it all.

You've tried counselling. You've spoken to a solicitor. Ultimately it sounds as though you don't trust your dh. You don't trust him to look after you financially (the deeds issue) or emotionally (the being nice part of your question). You also don't trust his perception of you (him accusing you of being crazy when you're angry). It's completely valid to mistrust him for those reasons. What do you do with those feelings? Either you try to protect yourself emotionally and financially as much as possible whilst living with him or you use the energy that will take to build a new life without him.

Imagine if the rest of your life was like this - how would you feel? Now, imagine if I said this didn't need to be your life - how would that make you feel? What you can't do is build a life on the basis that your dh will change and become nicer. He is who he is.

I can give you permission to leave but you need to give yourself permission to leave.

chicken I am sure h also feels unloved and I am not discounting your suggestion but I have worked through huge amounts of torpor in the past to try and get things back on an even keel. Which they were for a while (though not close) but it is obvious from yesterday's conversation that he doesn't think anything positive about me and it is this which makes me feel really hopeless. There is always one more thing I have to do before he will be affectionate and it has been like this for a long time. He definitely feels that he is working very hard and I am making weird unreasonable demands. He seems to have no problem with the lack of affection between us. He left for 4 days this morning and just said goodbye to the kids etc.. etc.. However I am not sleeping in the same bed as him at the moment because he the other day he shouted at me saying he did not "care about any of my fucking opinions" after an argument.... And so it goes on. He would never turn off the computer just because I asked. He is completely self-driven and independent minded.

book this You don't trust him to look after you financially (the deeds issue) or emotionally (the being nice part of your question). You also don't trust his perception of you (him accusing you of being crazy when you're angry). It's completely valid to mistrust him for those reasons. really resonates.

Ultimately I want to get rid of the horrible feeling that everything that I do is pointless because ultimately h does not value it and will see something negative that I haven't done. It's very debilitating.

You need to value yourself.

Ah, you can't let your sense of self-worth be dependent on the whims of another, even if that other is your dh.

To quote from a cheesy American film (The Holiday) : 'You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life!' It sounds like you're not even the best friend. You're some kind of bit player or scene setter for your dh.

You can't make your dh happy. He can choose to be happy or not. If you want to protect yourself from his negativity you can imagine a bubble round you protecting you from his barbs, or, a technique I find helpful when someone is being UR, is to imagine how else they could have reacted.

So you have an argument about being on the deeds of the house. He could rationally say (a) I don't want to put you on the deeds of the house because I need that security after my last marriage. I know it's my issue and I'm going to try to work through it. Is there anything else I could do to make you feel more secure? (b) I know you feel insecure about not being on the deeds of the house but to put you on the deeds would make me insecure so we're at an impasse (c) you're mad and crazy and I can't trust you with even a smidgeon of responsibility for the house! See! He chooses his response. We all do. That's not to say that we don't ever react in anger or emotion. Of course we do but for important issues, there comes a point where you try to work with the emotion or deal with it so you can move forward together.

How would he react if you tried to make it all less emotive eg by writing him a letter outlining your concerns and offering different solutions eg the deeds, a will, etc?

I sent him an email doing that - book, and he never mentioned it.

It's a beautiful day outside and I am inside doing nothing with a horrible knot in my stomach wondering how I can feel better. Sounds pathetic I know.

I agree with your analysis of the different ways h could have answered. B is good but A would have been perfect.

At some point I might have to say that I am sorry but I don't trust him because that is it in a nutshell. Mistrust (which sounds like it's mutual).

I just feel pointless .

BookABooSue

Totally agree with your posts. life is short, just heard on radio william boyd said:" we are living in a chink of light between two long endless dark casms, we must find love".

tisraining you're not pointless and I'm sorry you're so sad. Maybe put all the big issues aside for a little while and do something for you - call a friend, watch some trashy tv, read a book, go for a walk. Just enjoy being alive and schedule some time later for taking one practical step towards where you want to be. It is hard.

He's an abusive shit and I'd leave him.

"I know we've been together the better part of 2 decades...but my ex wife was meeeeean.

Bollocks.

Yup.

But these things are never, ever as clear as that. I used to think I'd leave if anyone raised their hand to me, but when I was actually put in that position, it was not that simple.