to think about getting back with my ex, and father of my children?

[allovernow1]

Just that, really. We met when I was a teenager and he was 29. We had a couple of years together before amicably splitting. The age gap got more obvious when I went to uni. I then found out that I was pregnant with our son. We didn't get back together but stayed close and have brought up our now 13 year old son together, pretty successfully. He has a key to my house and we all spend weekends together and go on holiday together. Neither of us has really met anyone else, partly because our son and jobs keep us so busy.

We ended up starting sleeping together on holiday last autumn. Don't know why, combination of drinking, nostalgia and 'why not?' from both of us, I think. I certainly didn't intend us to actually have sex and my immediate 'oh shit, I'm not on the pill' afterwards was a bit of a giveaway that I sort of regretted it. I took the morning-after pill but I got pregnant. I panicked. I got over the panic. I miscarried. All without telling my ex. I wanted to sort my head out first - keep the baby? Get back together? What to tell our son and families? But I miscarried before telling him and it has messed my head up. On pills, in therapy etc. etc. but I have felt crap for months. And we have kept sleeping together since last autumn, on and off.

My instinct is that I don't feel like I felt about him when we first got together BUT I wonder if that is just maturity rather than meaning that I don't have feelings for him at all. We get on. He makes me laugh, and feel safe and looked after. But is that just convenience? And am I just after having another baby because the loss of the last one has messed me up so badly? Can you ever go back?

Any thoughts welcome.

I think there is often a really strong pull towards your first serious love. Just sit down and talk to your DS's dad. Ask him what he wants, tell him what happened, figure out what you want together. Maybe try 'dating' properly and being in a relationship together to see what it's like. If it's not working, make a clean break (ie no sex, no holidays together, etc). Don't get pregnant again until you know where you stand with this man though!

How would you feel of he stopped sleeping with you and met someone else.
That may help you decide if he is just a habit.
Do you love him?

I don't know if I love him. I hate the idea of him being with someone else but partly because I would be sad for our son, and miss the babysitting! Our son has SN and so I do need breaks and ex provides those. I didn't tell ex about the baby after I miscarried because timing would mean he knew I deliberately kept it a secret until he couldn't talk me out of it. We are both scarred, I think, by how our relationship became once I found out I was pregnant with our son all those years ago. He wanted me to abort and get back together; I wanted to keep the baby and see how we went. He's never forgiven me really for 'getting to decide' and I've never really got over how shitty he made things during my pregnancy. Telling him about the second pregnancy would cause more trouble than it was worth, especially all these months on.

Your last post really has the answers I'm afraid.
I don't think he is the one for you. Move on.
You 2 have alot of unresolved baggage.
Why would he stop babysitting if you didn't sleep with him?

No , I would miss the babysitting if he had a new girlfriend that he needed to spend his free time on, and (more importantly) he would have less time to spend with our son.

We do have a lot of unresolved stuff. But my question is whether I want to resolve it and move on WITH him or without him, I suppose.

He doesn't actually sound that great when you say never forgiven me for 'getting to decide' are there redeeming features?

If so then ask him what he wants, find out how you both feel about big stuff like babies and life plans and see if they are compatible, imagine being with him forever and whether that feels good or not.

Apart from the fact he sounds a bit resentful and petulant, it must also be appealingly easy and those are not important grounds to settle on without all the other stuff.

There are many redeeming features. He is a good dad and fun to be with. He does a lot for me, just to be nice and helpful. He is a dream ex in many ways - even before the sex, so it's not ever had an ulterior motive before. To be fair to him, he doesn't raise his resentments and nor do I. We mostly talk about how glad we are to have had our son, not about all the crap that went on back then. I just get a sense that there is still a grudge and so much of the arguments back then were 'why do you get to decide?'.

Maybe broach it and see? Maybe he wants to apologise for how it was. If it is possible to clear the air and put it all behind you then it could be a great relationship!

I'm assuming hat it was a contraceptive failure that led to your son's conception, in which case I can slightly understand why your ex might feel like that - but still pretty shocking that he didn't work out that it's your body and therefore your choice and that there is a risk of pregnancy that comes from having sex.

It sounds to me like you are already back together (what would change if you actually said the words?)

If he walked away tomorrow what would you miss? Would you miss him as a person or him as your son's father? All relationships have their passionate moments and their comfortable in each other's company and I guess you need to decide what you want (in lots of cultures the latter is enough for a marriage). I knew I wanted to be with my DH when I realised I think I'm a better person when he's around.

I don't think either of us would ever apologise because we both thought we were right at the time. It was indeed a failure in the pill that led to that pregnancy.

I don't think we are at all back together, and we'd both say that. We are friends. We are co-parents. We also sleep together sometimes, especially on holiday. But it's not a relationship. I would miss him as himself as well as as my son's dad, but I don't know if I'm confusing familiarity and ease (and wanting a baby) for potential long-term love...

I think he sounds like a dream ex too. An ex. Are you settling? Because it is easy, safe, you know this?

Probably :(

You don't have to...

If your son were to leave home in a few years, would you still want to spend lots of time with and sleep with his father? For his own sake? Or would you rather be alone/ with someone else?
Or are you just feeling broody and would like him to father another baby? In which case it might be an idea to discuss it first this time? He may feel the same way!

We were talking about our son leaving home the other day and he said "don't worry, I'll still come and change your lightbulbs" - not a euphemism, but reflecting the fact that he does actually do most of the DIY stuff and maintenance on the house. I do know how weird that is! I would miss him if he wasn't around but it could just be habit. I am really conscious of how messed up my head is right now but often, the only time things seem to make sense are when I'm in bed with him, or lying watching TV on the sofa with him. That could be because he doesn't know what happened whereas my friends and many colleagues do. So being with him is an escape, I suppose. But is that love? I don't know. I'm afraid that, if I ask him or discuss what it is we're doing, it will force the issue, and I'm not even sure what I want. I don't know if I'm more scared that he'll want to get back together or not want to. I'm also worried that I'm just trying to put things back, baby-wise, to where they were in December. It was my first response to the miscarriage: well, I need to have another baby. I have had to make myself become the queen of contraception because I know my head is too messed-up for that right now but I do know a baby is a massive ulterior motive for even considering getting back together.

Still no further on with any decisions except convinced that I want another baby. So tempted to just stop taking the pill and see what happens. But that would be wrong, right?

Can't you just have a heart to heart with him? Maybe he feels differently now all these years later, and doesn't hold resentments?

I think the resentment on both sides is overshadowed by our love for and pride in our son. But it's still not the way that either of us planned things to be. I am over that about our son. Less so about recent situation.

Ask him what he thinks about your relationship and whether he wants another child. If appropriate tell him about the miscarriage. Don't just carry on guessing everything.

My friend did the stop the pill thing. She got pregnant straight away but when her dh found out he felt very deceived and the relationship suffered a lot. Especially as he did want a kid so her deception was unnecessary.

I don't think he's in any more of a certain place than I am. So I guess I'm scared of a conversation either way.

Why don't you ask him of he still resents the fact that you got to decide whether you kept your son or not and take it from there?

A lot of relationships are not as solid as yours sounds. Nothing is ever perfect and sometimes being realistic iswhat you need to be, some see this as settling, some don't, me being one of them. Sometimes contentment is enough. Also I don't think its the end of the world to have another baby with him, in fact I know of couples who have planned to do it. Why not just spill all this out,dont mention the miscarriage now, just that you feel you could create a sibling for your DS ...start a discussion.

I think a discussion is needed but am terrified of disrupting what currently works :(