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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think my friend's exW is being unreasonable re contact between kids to new boyfriend?

20 replies

Johnogroats · 30/06/2014 16:25

I posted in lone parents, but thought I'd get more traffic here.

I have been speaking to a (male) friend about his situation. I think he is between a rock and a hard place, but I honestly don't know what the right response is, so thought I would ask here.

He is in the middle of a messy divorce - the marital house has been sold and they will be moving to new houses over the summer. His almost exW had an affair (been going on for about a year), and has many issues - financial irresponsibility and drinking too much (at least a bottle of wine a day) are 2 of them, all very probably linked to the fact that she is bi-polar.

So about 2 months ago she introduced their 3 DCs (10,9, 6) to her boyfriend (without consulting my friend), and then took them away for the weekend with the boyfriend, again without telling him. He thought they were all at the grandparents. The DCs told him later.

He is very unhappy about this. He has never met the boyfriend and doesn't really want to. He knows he cannot control what the exW does with the DCs when they are with her, but is very concerned about the long term impact on the DCS, one of whom is autistic (and not sure if this is linked) and is very emotional and has been on anti depresents for a while - this pre-dates the affair/divorce).

With all this in mind, should my friend ask to meet the boyfriend? Should he ask the one or 2 mutual friends who have met him what they think? Should he do nothing, and just hope the DCs are ok?

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

OP posts:

FreudiansSlipper · 30/06/2014 16:36

There is no right or wrong in him wanting to either meet or not meet the new boyfriend

Asking friends puts them in an awkward position

I guess it's down to how the children are dealing with it but no lies should be told that is unfair on him and his children

riverboat1 · 30/06/2014 18:19

If the divorce is messy, I assume this means he doesn't have a good relationship with his ex?

If so, asking to meet the new DP will probably just get her back up, I'd have thought, and not really achieve anything.

If they have a working relationship in terms of parenting the DC, maybe he could ask. But what will he then do if he meets the new DP and doesnt like him, or it increases his worries in any way? Ultimately as you say he is powerless to stop the mother letting the kids spend time with whoever she wants during the time she is with them.

Original poster

Johnogroats · 01/07/2014 15:16

Thanks for your thoughts. I think you are both right - but it doesn't make the situation any easier. She is a nightmare, and he understandably, doesn't trust her judgement....

OP posts:

longjane · 01/07/2014 15:20

Why did he leave the kids with women who drinks ?

Smelsa · 01/07/2014 15:25

Lots of these men who just leave their kids with crazy alcoholic nightmares, isn't there. Almost as though they are exaggerating or something...

Also funny how they only get bothered by it when they are worried about another man. Hmm.

ApocalypseThen · 01/07/2014 15:27

Well she may be a crazy alcoholic who's judgement isn't too great and who can't be trusted, but not leaving the kids with her would involve more effort than slagging her off to the new girlfriend, so, you know...

WorraLiberty · 01/07/2014 15:32

I don't think drinking a bottle of wine a day necessarily makes someone an alcoholic.

OP, whether he meets the boyfriend or not, it's not going to change anything so he has to do what he feels comfortable with.

kentishgirl · 01/07/2014 15:36

Either he trusts her to parent, or he doesn't.

Presumably he does as she either has the children resident with her, or pretty free and easy overnight access.

If he does, then it's no business of his who she sees and who the kids meet. I never expected to meet my ex's new partners, and I've not had the mums of my partners children demanding to meet me either. We've never got permission to take kids away or do whatever with them. I wouldn't have thought that would be what usually happens. When you've got the kids, you've got the kids, you are good to go with whatever parenting decisions and activities you choose.

If he doesn't trust her parenting - then it should matter to him at other times than when she gets a boyfriend.

Agree with other posters that she possibly isn't as bad as he makes out - otherwise he'd be an irresponsible parent himself for having his children in this situation with her.

kentishgirl · 01/07/2014 15:41

And the children are 10, 9 and 6. If they have a problem with mum's new partner, I'm sure they'll say. He shouldn't go pumping them or mutual friends for info and opinions.

What is he worried about, exactly? What impact on the children? When he gets a new partner is he expecting to go to his exwife for permission and approval? Will he arrange for ex wife to meet her before the kids do?

I think he's actually having a bit of an emotional blip here about 'another man' doing Daddy stuff. Which is understandable. A lot of people go through it, and you quickly realise it's about you, not the kids or the ex's new partner. And for the kids sake, you get over it.

Sassyb0703 · 01/07/2014 15:44

I am no expert but 'a bottle of wine a day' assuming 'a day' means every day... to me would definitely be an alcoholic.. as in addicted to alcohol. If the genders were reversed on this thread then we would definitely have posters advocating nc until alcohol issue dealt with and for children to be nowhere near the drinking parent... If I were you OP assuming the facts are correct and not the imagination of a bitter ex spouse, I would definitely apply for residency. Bi polar and alcohol is not a stable environment for children of any age.

WorraLiberty · 01/07/2014 15:46

She could be drink dependant or an alcoholic, we can't diagnose from our armchairs is what I meant.

EarthWindFire · 01/07/2014 15:51

Lots of these men who just leave their kids with crazy alcoholic nightmares, isn't there. Almost as though they are exaggerating or something...

Extremely unfair! Sometimes it is the women that are responsible for a marriage breakdown you know. The OP has already said that the ex wife had an affair, or is that ok in your books?

STOPwiththehahaheheloling · 01/07/2014 15:51

She never had any obligation to ask for your friend's permission before introducing her boyfriend. Nor dk you have any right to meet him. I guarantee you your friend will introduce the DCs to all sorts of people (friends and family) who his ex will have no right to 'vet' before hand. That's just as it should be. My ex never consulted me before introducing our DCs to his partner or moving in with her so my dcs would be sharing a home with her. Your friends doesnt get a say in those things.

EarthWindFire · 01/07/2014 15:52

She could be drink dependant or an alcoholic, we can't diagnose from our armchairs is what I meant.

I agree. You can't diagnose something from a couple of lines on an internet public forum.

Original poster

Johnogroats · 01/07/2014 15:54

Interesting thoughts. I think Kentishgirl may be right about the daddy stuff.

And to be honest, I think the other concerns about her parenting ability are the bigger matter (although admittedly not what I posted about). He is extremely concerned about these issues, but has been advised that the bar is pretty high when trying to prove someone is an unfit mother. He doesn't want her to fall apart - he wants her to be able to parent 50% of the time. Time will tell.

For those that say he isn't that interested - Apocalypse - he actually has the kids about 90% of the time at the moment, even though it should be 50/50. She is off seeing the bf on the weekends she is supposed to have the kids, and he isn't making a fuss because he wants to be with them. For me the term "alcoholic" isn't particularly helpful - but she certainly has a drink problem. When you can't deal with a child who has been sick because you are drunk, to me that is an issue.

As for there being a new girlfriend - absolutely not at the moment. He totally loved the W, and has been utterly shocked at the events of the past year. He will move on in time, but between holding down a demanding job, getting a divorce, moving house, dealing with an extremely difficult exW AND doing the majority of the parenting, that simply isn't on the cards.

OP posts:

ApocalypseThen · 01/07/2014 15:55

Extremely unfair! Sometimes it is the women that are responsible for a marriage breakdown you know.

Nobody denies that. The problem is leaving your children with someone you believe to be an alcoholic.

Maleducada · 01/07/2014 15:58

i'd stay so well out of it you meet yourself coming back.

my x told everybody who'd listen how unreasonable I was.

Smelsa · 01/07/2014 15:58

Earth, I'm referring to the fact that if they were as bad as it was being made out, they wouldn't be doing nothing about it. All these men just happily letting their children life with CRAZIES until another man appears. Then they have issues. Silly jealous men.

But anyway if his update is accurate, this one doesn't sound great so EGG ON MY FACE

Needadvice5 · 01/07/2014 16:56

Remember that there are two sides to every story!

I'm quite sure I've been painted in a very bad way when I separated from my ex, not saying your friend is doing this but just be aware!

Original poster

Johnogroats · 01/07/2014 17:10

I know there are always 2 sides to a story. I don't want to say more on here as I would definitely out self, but for various reasons I am pretty confident that 1. the version of events I have is accurate, and 2. the exW would absolutely disagree with all of it.... and this isn't a nasty H slagging off his ex, this is an H who has supported a W who has MH issues for years, he can see that she is not coping, it is affecting the DCs and there is precious little he can do about it.

If he asks again I will say he should stay well away from bf (which was his inclination in the first place).

OP posts:

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